[musinglizzy]

Most of y'all know my story of boundary changes/rejection I dealt with almost a year ago. Well, unfortunately, that hasn't gone away yet..... I keep trying to work through it so I CAN push it away, but honestly, it was suggested to me (by my new T, T2) that it retriggered my PTSD and isn't going to "just go away" like I'd like it to. Then last week I had a rejection from someone else, "of higher authority," which caused a meltdown, and reminder of the feelings I've felt with my T's decisions.

So I have not yet left T1, I see her twice a week, and my new, CBT T, I see once a week. So no one can say I'm not trying to move past this, I'm in therapy three days a week with two different therapists with completely different approaches, and I read what I can to help myself accept this and move on.

I know a lot of you don't care much for my T, and to be honest, yes, I've been very angry with her for being so hurt by her. But in other ways, we work SO well together, and I am hopelessly attached, for now. I've been trying to pull back.... mostly by not contacting her between sessions (even though she encourages it,) hoping that the feeling will just go away.

Well, I was asked a pretty direct question yesterday in my session, which I didn't truthfully answer. She asked how my weekend was, and asked me what I fill my time with every day. I'm not working right now due to an injury, I've been off since November. I'm hoping to go back soon, which will surely help. I listed off things that I might do around here during the day, but I didn't mention just how much reading I do, and thinking, about therapy and rejection. She also asked how I've been lately, and I told her nothing has changed, I'm quite depressed, and she asked what it is I think about. Well, then, too, I rattled off some big stressors in my life that I deal with, but again, I failed to mention therapy and rejection.

It consumes most of my thoughts. I'm not at ALL attached to CBT T, I like her enough, and don't NOT enjoy my sessions. I talk through the whole darn thing. But I don't contact her between sessions, even though I'm allowed to, and I don't think about her at all between sessions. I'm not even having to work at that, not getting attached, I suppose because subconsciously I won't let myself. I don't know, but it is a relief to not have to work at it. She's just there. And I could quit seeing her at any time and never think about her again. I wish it were that way with T1. It was CBT T who suggested that my PTSD was triggered by T1's actions, and she doesn't make me feel self conscious for my feelings for T1. Only I do that.

So, I want to say, T1 and I have been doing some great work together since this rupture. But I have pushed myself to stay engaged. Because I did just shut down for a long time. Occasionally I still do, but it's been easier to manage. There IS a connection there, even though I have to work sometimes to let myself feel it. But there's still SO much hurt in that room. I want to work through this and continue my work with this T (who is now much more "ethical" than she was. She's watching her Ps and Qs, and is more the kind of T many of you would have hoped she was in the beginning. But the memory of how she was still haunts me, makes me feel rejected. We have touched on it here and there lately, but I'm still getting nowhere. I know I probably ought to just share this post with her... but direct is something I'm not good at being quite yet. T1 does NOT know about T2, I've been afraid to tell her, afraid that she'll get defensive. T2 of course knows about T1, because she's been trying to help me with it.

I know there are some of us that allow therapy to just take over our thoughts. I'm wondering if anyone else wants to discuss it? Honestly, all of us here think about therapy outside of session, or we wouldn't be talking about it on a therapy message board. It really is my hope to move past this and continue work with my T1, and how she is now. But in time, T2 might help me realize that moving on might be the best thing. I've only been seeing T1 for 6-7 weeks now....so we're still pretty new to each other.

Thank you for any thoughts.

[Soccer mom]

One thing my new T. recently said to me was I stayed with ex-T. a long time because the relationship was familiar enough that I wouldn't leave. Ex-T. was giving me just enough yet was so similar to my mom.

I truly believe you won't get past it until you talk and talk to T1 about the issue. I don't think about therapy near as much, and when I do, it's in a healthy way trying to work on what I want to change.

I wonder if you won't quit until you finally get the full acceptance you've been waiting for and feel you used to get. I recently asked a friend why I keep thinking of my ex-T. and she said you're still hoping she will accept you and connect with you. I now realize my entire relationship was about fear of rejection due to the small ways my ex-T rejected me frequently. I was never going to get better with her and I now see it.

Maybe you are also fearful that she will reject you again - does that affect your therapy?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Surely it is very good that you think so much about your therapy. You seem to be making good progress and have impressive understanding.

[JaneTennison1]

Honestly my journey with ex T has been wild. I was so hurt and still go through phases of that (just look at my past posts) but one creeping feeling has been relief. It started small and is getting bigger. It's over, I don't have to work for acceptance, I don't have to think about it. After 2 years I am finally getting her out of my head and living life without her.

I thought I would die without her and the more I live and accept life, the more I realise I don't need her, the stronger I feel.

I used to think about therapy too much when I saw my ex-T, i think therapy was a stress for me then, it was confusing and unsettling. With my new T (I've been seeing her for about 9 months), my therapy doesn't intrude so much on my life. I'm working on a lot of stuff in my therapy, but I'm more settled in general between sessions (with the occasional blip like last week when I posted that I was triggered). I have a really good T now.

[JaneTennison1]

Also I think having a T where I can have any contact I need makes me feel I don't need to obsess about therapy.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Also I think having a T where I can have any contact I need makes me feel I don't need to obsess about therapy.

I can text/Email whenever I want, as often as I want. Probably call too, although I never have. Unfortunately I still can't get therapy out of my head. I don't contact her between sessions like I used to...my choice.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I can text/Email whenever I want, as often as I want. Probably call too, although I never have. Unfortunately I still can't get therapy out of my head. I don't contact her between sessions like I used to...my choice.

But it's not safe contact. Sure you can have what you want....for now. The contact is not a safe space or a safe connection and so it's too hard "if I call/text too much will she take that away too? Will she take something else?" that kind of insecurity will make anyone obsess.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

But it's not safe contact. Sure you can have what you want....for now. The contact is not a safe space or a safe connection and so it's too hard "if I call/text too much will she take that away too? Will she take something else?" that kind of insecurity will make anyone obsess.

GREAT thought...thank you!

[JaneTennison1]

I know from ex-T that thinking all the time whether someone is going to leave you is exhausting. Utterly tiring to have it consume things and to try so hard to be exactly what you think you should be in order to not be left or rejcted. I was the same as I was so terrified of doing anything wrong and getting rejected. That's why when she left I felt some relief. I didn't have to worry anymore. This last week I've realised how free I feel.

I know what it's like to be so attached you can't even think of leaving but being on the outside I also know that you can get through it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think to an extent its normal to think about therapy a lot. In your case where your therapist has hurt you so much its very understandable that you would be thinking of it so much. You think of how it has hurt you and you are probably wondering what she might take away next. I think it takes a lot of strength to stay with her and try to work on things. I also think it shows a great deal of strength to see another T to try and deal with this. My hope for you is that you can move on and heal from this. Take as much time as you need to grieve. I have been following your threads for a long time and I am really pulling for you and I want to see you happy and healed and not hurting. You have so much strength that is really inspiring. Big hugs to you!

[musinglizzy]

Thank you very much for all of your understanding replies. I DID Email my T yesterday kind of setting the stage for tomorrow's session. I told her, in so many words, how the thought of therapy/rejection has taken over my mind. I hate this. Like Jane said, it's SO exhausting!

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have been following your threads for a long time and I am really pulling for you and I want to see you happy and healed and not hurting.

Yes, this. I could not have stayed with a therapist who violated me as cruelly as yours has done to you. You say that, overall, the therapy is "great", but I don't see how it can be when she never owned her own baggage. I would have HAD to terminate over this, and many months ago.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Yes, this. I could not have stayed with a therapist who violated me as cruelly as yours has done to you. You say that, overall, the therapy is "great", but I don't see how it can be when she never owned her own baggage. I would have HAD to terminate over this, and many months ago.

Thanks. It was within the past couple of months where she DID own up to it, she apologized (rather than just apologizing for me feeling that way,) and said she made a mistake and has learned a "hard lesson." Had those things not happened, I would have had a really hard time staying.

As I said though, I am seeing a new T now....and hopeful to see where that route takes me. She knows everything that happened, and knows I need help through that, so maybe she will be able to help me leave this therapist.

This last round of therapy and the therapist were very time consuming mentally.

I wish you strength and clarity as you move through your journey.

[divine1966]

I think it's harmful for you to continue staying with t 1. It is just my opinion though so I might be wrong

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[iheartjacques]

I really like my 2nd T, although I've only got a few sessions left. I feel like I'm never going to trust a male ever again so 1st T is important to me to remind me that I can have a safe relationship with one, even if no one else. I do work with guys and no problem with that, just in terms of family and marriage.

[rainbow8]

Good luck with your session today. I hope it goes well!

[musinglizzy]

Thanks Rainbow, it was a fairly uneventful session. More laid back, which I appreciate now and then. I think I needed that. The only somewhat difficult thing we talked about was how I seem to be isolating myself more in my normal life.

I keep trying to have faith that I can work through things, within myself, with T1. Like blaming myself, that I can't forgive and forget...so I have a lot to work through yet. And when I'm ready, I'm pretty sure I'll leave her. I think there's been too much hurt, and now distrust, to continue with her long term. We will see..... I'm pretty overwhelmed with some things in "life" right now, so afraid to make that change at this time.