Isnt there another way?

This is the second time my T has taken the route of me needing to confront my abuser, make myself vulnerable and have a voice.

I am SOOOO not there. I am just at the beginning. There are so many potential consequences.

Isnt there another way to heal? Does there have to be confrontation?

My T told me to avoid and keep distance and never be around my perpetrators. I wouldn't do well with having to confront them, at all. That wouldn't go over well for me. I don't think I'd ever be there, at the point of confrontation.

While my therapists felt it would be helpful, they didn't push it.

That said, I actually ended up with my first therapist in a session with my abuser because my abuser invited himself up to talk to me rather unannounced. Fortunately, I had some warning that he was on his way. My therapist was not amused that that particular abuser took it upon himself to come see me. T picked me up and took me to his house for safety and arranged for police to be present in the building when we met in case there were any problems. The meeting actually took place in the middle of the night at my T's office which was certainly safer than my abuser just showing up on my doorstep without anyone there to moderate. I honestly don't remember much about the meeting because I was in pretty bad shape. I do remember at one point the abuser tried to put the blame on me. T dismissed me from his office and had words with the abuser for quite awhile. I don't know what was said, but my abuser left after that and never laid a hand on me again. T definitely had my back on that one.

While abuser is too strong of a word for my situation, I would not confront the family member from my childhood. The therapist did ask about if I was interested in it and when I said no, she let it drop. I would have refused at any rate, but I don't think those guys are supposed to try and force you to do something like this that you don't want to do. I have not read of confrontation as being a requirement of any sort.

I don't know if confrontation is always helpful. An abuser by definition is someone who is unlikely to have empathy. Maybe they even get a thrill knowing they had an effect on someone. I would not give them the satisfaction.

There's not one right way to heal from anything. It's not like "Confront your abuser" is nestled in-between "Set oven to 350" and "Salt and pepper to taste" in some recipe book for wellness. If your T keeps pressing this after you say what you did in this post, tell them to back the **** off.

I truly cannot see any benefit to confronting an abuser. I think this sounds a lot like the kind "catharsis" techniques for dealing with trauma that have been thoroughly debunked. The potential to be harmed is very high. It strikes me as inappropriate for a therapist to push a client into any course of action much less something as fraught as confronting an abuser. I would be very, very careful with this therapist.

It would be much safer to role play it, I think.

Why does your t need you to confront your abuser? I do not believe there has to be confrontation. Victims whose abusers have passed on cannot have confrontation yet they find ways to heal. Even if confrontation was necessary, you've stated you are not ready for it. Your t should understand and respect that, and back off.

That is EXACTLY what I said, if she were dead, I wouldn't be able to address her personally about it, so does that mean I could never heal? He said that yes, there are other ways. But part of my problem IS allowing people to bully me, so I do need to find my "voice". I get that, but not with her, not now.

Maybe you could find your voice with this therapist and refuse his idea. You could even tell him that is explicitly what you are doing, and that you expect him to respect you in this.

I have actually never heard of this idea before, but I think it sounds dangerous. Even the fact that your therapist is pushing you into it sounds disturbing - I regard it as an extremely important part of my recovery from traumatic experiences to be able to say no to my therapist, and have my therapist then listen to me and respect that. I can't see how him demanding that I do something I don't want to do would be anything but retraumatizing. And I can't see how a therapist would think that pressuring you to do things against your will is demonstrating anything but an unhealthy relationship dynamic. You know yourself best, and you have every right to say no.

I think catharsis theory, which is such a tidy structure in a work of fiction, doesn't translate so neatly to real life. Yet this myth, first introduced by father Freud, still seems to prevail.

Therapists are never witness to the full dimensions of our actual lives, no matter how much we talk to them. Nor do they have the omniscient powers to predict what will happen to our attempts to change patterns or hierarchy. It's one thing to plan a confrontation. But the other person is the recipient whose response we can't control or predict. And often there is a larger network affected--those people can't be controlled or predicted either.

I've had many types of conversations with people who've treated me brutally or unfairly. I've occasionally confronted in the moment, more often after the fact. Some have been silent, some have changed their ways, some were sarcastic or "unapologized," one women recruited others to marginalize me. One woman apologized profusely and admitted fault, but the humiliation remained. A couple of times a mediator calmed things down. Sometimes I think there's nothing to be gained and walk away. The best experiences are the discussions that repaired a relationship and instigated forgiveness.

I believe these discussions have to be personal decisions.Sometimes I ask advice then make my own decisions. Sometimes I've confronted someone, but still feel lousy. I don't believe a third party could can tell me what to do or predict the consequences. Ultimately my actions must be my calculation--and risk.

Yeah, I feel like it would just open myself up for her abuse again.

I will have to clarify with him why he keeps going back to this whole, making myself vulnerable thing. Why would I do that? What makes him think that my abuser wont abuse again if I make myself vulnerable to it? It just doesn't make sense to me.