[retro_chic]

I had a session with T today and I'm not exactly sure what it was specifically that triggered this but I just feel really hopeless and kind of scared for some reason. I feel like everything is too much and I can't handle it. I have this weird feeling like something bad is going to happen and I don't know why.

It's times like these that I miss T and wish she was here so she could hug me or something but when I have a session with her I immediately put up this wall and feel angry when she keeps asking me questions and I want to push her away.

I'm sorry this is all over the place but I'm feeling very scattered.

[Out There]

I can feel like this sometimes , like fragments come up and it can feel bewildering. I think of it like a puzzle with bits forming a picture , they can be all over the place. The feeling that something awful will happen sometimes comes for me when things change or become clearer.

[Waterbear]

The biggest thing that I have learnt so far is that therapy is hard. The thoughts and feelings are all over the place, coming and going seemingly randomly and it is confusing. No advice I am afraid just wishing you well.

[retro_chic]

Thank you both for the replies. I had a terrible sleep last night and I still don't feel great.

My T said something in our session yesterday that made me feel guilty. We were talking about how I have difficulty opening up and she said that normally the client would do most of the talking and that is ultimately where we want to get to but it is going to be a slow process. Because I have difficulty opening up T will sort of prompt me with questions but the questions feel kind of invasive to me because that is how I feel when my Mum asks me questions. T said she doesn't want to replicate that relationship and that we need to find a balance between getting me to open up more and me feeling uncomfortable when she asks too many questions. I feel like I'm disappointing T. I want to be the "perfect" client and to be her favourite.

The session ended kind of weirdly too. It went like this:
T: So when will I see you next?
Me: Ummm... I don't know?
*Awkward pause while I wait for T to say something* (She didn't so I continued talking)
Me: Uh, next week I guess??

I know T is trying to get me to take more control over my sessions and stuff but felt so weird and awkward.

[retro_chic]

I know a lot of you are probably asleep because of the time difference but for those of you who aren't, I'd really appreciate some more responses to my post. I'm sorry to be so needy

[skat]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I can definitely relate to the difficulty in opening up in therapy. It has taken me years to open up with my therapist and there are still sessions during which I do not talk much. When I have thoughts similar to yours - that I'm a disappointment as a client, I feel guilty/bad about something that happened in a session - I tell my therapist. The first time I told her, it was hard and I was so anxious leading up to it, but the conversation that came out of it was really good. Each time I bring something like this up, it gets easier.

Do you have the option to contact your therapist outside of session? It might help you feel better to let her know how you're doing.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thank you both for the replies. I had a terrible sleep last night and I still don't feel great.

My T said something in our session yesterday that made me feel guilty. We were talking about how I have difficulty opening up and she said that normally the client would do most of the talking and that is ultimately where we want to get to but it is going to be a slow process. Because I have difficulty opening up T will sort of prompt me with questions but the questions feel kind of invasive to me because that is how I feel when my Mum asks me questions. T said she doesn't want to replicate that relationship and that we need to find a balance between getting me to open up more and me feeling uncomfortable when she asks too many questions. I feel like I'm disappointing T. I want to be the "perfect" client and to be her favourite.

The session ended kind of weirdly too. It went like this:
T: So when will I see you next?
Me: Ummm... I don't know?
*Awkward pause while I wait for T to say something* (She didn't so I continued talking)
Me: Uh, next week I guess??

I know T is trying to get me to take more control over my sessions and stuff but felt so weird and awkward.

That sounds hard, but I am sure you are not disappointing your therapist. But I know how things can feel all stirred up sometimes!!

Have you ever read anything about self-compassion? That's been very helpful for me to stop my self-criticism and judging myself. Maybe take a look at this website Self-Compassion

I wish I could be more helpful. I find guided meditations and yoga useful too. They seem to help settle me when I am feeling stirred up and uncomfortable.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by skat

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I can definitely relate to the difficulty in opening up in therapy. It has taken me years to open up with my therapist and there are still sessions during which I do not talk much. When I have thoughts similar to yours - that I'm a disappointment as a client, I feel guilty/bad about something that happened in a session - I tell my therapist. The first time I told her, it was hard and I was so anxious leading up to it, but the conversation that came out of it was really good. Each time I bring something like this up, it gets easier.

Do you have the option to contact your therapist outside of session? It might help you feel better to let her know how you're doing.

Thank you for your reply. I will bring this up with T at my next session but she doesn't really allow contact in-between sessions other than for scheduling purposes so I'm kind of my own until I see her again on Thursday.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Pennster

That sounds hard, but I am sure you are not disappointing your therapist. But I know how things can feel all stirred up sometimes!!

Have you ever read anything about self-compassion? That's been very helpful for me to stop my self-criticism and judging myself. Maybe take a look at this website Self-Compassion

I wish I could be more helpful. I find guided meditations and yoga useful too. They seem to help settle me when I am feeling stirred up and uncomfortable.

Thanks for your reply. Self compassion is something I have always struggled with (obviously haha). I have also been really bad with meditation kind of things too but I guess these things take practice. I will give it another go I suppose.

[Waterbear]

The feelings of wanting the T to lead some way are quite strong for me because I have always been in charge of my emotional journey since a very young age. I never had anybody to turn to with thoughts and feelings for as long as I remember and now there is someone who is willing to listen I almost want them to drive for a bit and let me see how that feels. I need to become comfortable as a passenger and not being a back seat driver. Having her ask the questions and you just feeling comfortable and trusting enough to answer them might be where you need to get to, rather than you taking the lead which may be what you have been used to and are fed up with doing. Always being in control in relationships is not ideal, I can tell you that for sure, it can be quite damaging so I don't understand why this seems to be such a big goal of therapy. Sometimes we need to work on letting go of that control and still being OK in ourselves.

I am not explaining this very well, sorry, my heads a mess too but you might find something relevant in that lot or you might not. Best wishes though.

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thanks for your reply. Self compassion is something I have always struggled with (obviously haha). I have also been really bad with meditation kind of things too but I guess these things take practice. I will give it another go I suppose.

I have started doing meditation recently. I can only do it when I'm already sort of calm but over time I can see that it has made a difference in how I feel. It was not immediate, for me it took six weeks of doing meditation twice a day before I really saw any benefit. And I cannot yet use it to calm down when I'm already upset. I still think it's worth the effort though.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I had a session with T today and I'm not exactly sure what it was specifically that triggered this but I just feel really hopeless and kind of scared for some reason. I feel like everything is too much and I can't handle it. I have this weird feeling like something bad is going to happen and I don't know why.

It's times like these that I miss T and wish she was here so she could hug me or something but when I have a session with her I immediately put up this wall and feel angry when she keeps asking me questions and I want to push her away.

retro_chic, I'm sorry that you're feeling so unsettled after your session. I know this feeling too well. In times like that there tends to be a lot of ambivalence inside of me: Wanting T to be close, yet pushing her away, or sometimes not even allowing her to come too close... Because it feels too dangerous. Frightening.

For me, those moments seem to follow a pattern. Quite often, those ambivalent feelings emerge immediately after (or the week after) we had some sort of "breakthrough" or covered some new/painful/very emotional stuff in session. It seems to me that a side of me takes over that's very protective of my vulnerability and somehow I see it now as a (feeble) attempt to protect myself from getting hurt. This was probably a helpful and important coping strategy when I was younger, but nowadays it tends to be confusing and even counterproductive. I started to talk more openly about this ambivalence in when I see my T, to explore the different sides and aspects and this seems to help a bit, and helps me to accept that things aren't always either/or.

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I have started doing meditation recently. I can only do it when I'm already sort of calm but over time I can see that it has made a difference in how I feel. It was not immediate, for me it took six weeks of doing meditation twice a day before I really saw any benefit. And I cannot yet use it to calm down when I'm already upset. I still

Second this. Mindfulness meditation and more recently mindful self-compassion (MSC) exercises made a huge difference to me, how I feel about myself, the universe and everybody else.
I know that MSC is kind of "taught" in eight week courses, once a week. Maybe this would be an option? I found the group once a week really helpful to try different things to see what works for me (and what doesnt) and to get some sort of routine established with regard to practising meditation and/or exercises.

Wishing you all the best and sending you a warm hug,
c_r

[retro_chic]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I think a lot of what I was feeling after my session was due to some stuff that was discussed in the prior session. I realised that I feel abandoned by mother even though she is very involved in my (like too involved) but not really in the way I need and I feel as though she doesn't understand me. On the rare occasions when I open up to her I feel as though she makes it about her or she makes me feel as if my feelings are wrong somehow. I have a lot of anger about this and I don't want to. I feel guilty that I feel so angry towards her and I just don't want to deal with any of this stuff right now.