[lauren_helene]

On the 3rd, just after I pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the airport, we'll be heading to my session together.

Both my brother and I have major emotional issues due to my dad. I managed to get out on my own a long time ago but carried so much of the emotional damage with me.

My brother is just getting out now and he's 34. I want my brother to understand me and the issues I am working on. Some background on this is my dad swears ADD does not exist and refuses to see that I am getting better through the process of meds and therapy.

He will never ever admit he has any issues or caused us any issues. He was and is still emotionally abusive and used to be physically abusive.

Anyway, this is the only session my brother will be able to come to as we live in two different states. So there is a lot of pressure on this next session.

My brother and I were not close as kids. Because my family favored my brother I kind of just did my own thing and either ignored him or fought with him. I never felt like I fit in with my immediate family and it was confirmed by them often that I was the 'black sheep'.

My brother and I are a lot closer now especially since my brother is now being kicked to the curb like I was years ago. His eyes are opening and he's excited to come to my session.

I don't know where to begin. I'm just nervous I guess. I love my brother so much and want this to go right...

I am also really hoping that the plane isn't delayed. My therapist is waiting for us later than he normally would because this is a special session. I am so touched that he was willing to do this for me. He's going out of town the next morning so I really appreciate him doing this for me.

Have any of you taken a family member to your session? Any advice so I can stop feeling nauseated?

[sunrise]

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almeda24fan said:
Have any of you taken a family member to your session? Any advice so I can stop feeling nauseated?

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Yes, I have taken my husband. The most useful thing I did was trust in my therapist. He was the professional, he was the family therapist, he knew how to handle multiple family members at once. I made sure my T was clear on what my goals for the session were before it began. That way he knew what direction to go in and how to abstract the most meaning/satisfaction for me from the session. Also, I am used to leading my individual sessions, but I gave that leadership up to T for the joint sessions. I just sat back and let it unfold and watched T skillfully handle the session. I tried to be honest, not withdraw, listen carefully to what my husband was saying, and not be afraid to say how I felt.

almedafan, from what you wrote, this is the explicit goal I see: "I want my brother to understand me and the issues I am working on." Is it your hope that you will have greater courage to communicate these things to your brother in your therapist's presence? (because you could just explain this stuff to your brother on your own too) Or do you see that your therapist will himself explain some of these things to your brother? Are there any other goals? Are you hoping this session will help you and your brother become even closer? Are you hoping that if your therapist meets and talks with your brother, that he will understand you better?

Good luck! And enjoy your brother's visit. (((hugs)))

[dreamrunner]

No, I haven't taken anyone to a session before but if you think your brother might help you in recovery.....WHY NOT!
I've often thought that maybe I would like my husband to go to see T once so that he could understand and help with my disorder more effectively.
If you trust and love your brother,this should help you to connect even more.
good_luck:

I remember you saying a while ago that your brother was coming and would go with you to your session and that T will be waiting.

I think it's very exciting you're doing this. How wonderful to be able to share whatever you can with your brother and better yet to share your T with your brother and your brother with your T!

It is nice of your T to wait and he's doing it because he chooses to and wants to, so I hope you can relax a little, remembering that. He also knows neither you nor your brother have any control over the flight schedule and he's okay with that, too.

Some of the best sessions are those that just happen and we go with the flow. So, just go, let T help you. He knows the gist of what you want to convey to your brother, I would imagine, and has ideas on how to help you do that.

Congratulations to you and your brother for working on your relationship now!

Let us know how it goes, if you care to share that.

We'll be here cheering for you on the 3rd!

ECHOES

[lauren_helene]

Thank you Sunrise! You always know what to ask

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sunrise said:
I have taken my husband. The most useful thing I did was trust in my therapist. He was the professional, he was the family therapist, he knew how to handle multiple family members at once.

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That is very good advice. I'm used to leading too. I just need to trust my T. He knows me and my family history... and will know the best way to go.

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sunrise said:
Or do you see that your therapist will himself explain some of these things to your brother?

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Yes exactly and this is because my brother is so brain washed by my dad, we all are. I want him to hear about the diagnosis, therapy etc. from my T. Not that my brother would discount what I say but he will accept it more hearing about it from him.

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sunrise said:
Are there any other goals? Are you hoping this session will help you and your brother become even closer? Are you hoping that if your therapist meets and talks with your brother, that he will understand you better?

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I am really hoping also that my brother has a small epiphany after this session and will seek help himself when he returns home. I've tried to get him to therapy but my dad always stops me by talking him out of it.

You've also picked out something that I didn't realize until now. I guess I do want my T to understand me better too. This is the closest glimpse my T will ever get of what my father is like and what I used to be many years ago.

This is huge step for me. I never let anyone into my private world like this. What I mean is my brother will be very open and candid I'm sure about me, my dad, mom etc. If I didn't feel connected to my T, there is no way I would go here.

I guess I'm somewhat like my dad in that I like to pretend things aren't as bad as they really are...

[lauren_helene]

thanks dreamrunner, I say why not too!

[lauren_helene]

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ECHOES said:
It is nice of your T to wait and he's doing it because he chooses to and wants to, so I hope you can relax a little, remembering that. He also knows neither you nor your brother have any control over the flight schedule and he's okay with that, too.

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I know it is so nice of him and it made me feel like twirling

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ECHOES said:
Some of the best sessions are those that just happen and we go with the flow. So, just go, let T help you. He knows the gist of what you want to convey to your brother, I would imagine, and has ideas on how to help you do that.

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I need to remember that phrase, go with the flow!

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ECHOES said:
Let us know how it goes, if you care to share that. We'll be here cheering for you on the 3rd!

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I will definitely share it! thank you for the cheer!

be careful of having too much riding on this... it will skew what could happen. Try not to try too hard.

almeda24fan,

Reach for the Stars, sweetie!







.

[SecretGarden]

I am so pleased that you will be going with your brother. I bet you have talked to your T a bit and hope that he will help you with the session and meeting the goals that he believes you have for the meeting.

It could be a meeting with a mission but remember that one session is only so long so do not expect the world all at one time.

I am pleased for you and your brother. Please let us know how it goes. At any rate I bet you two can set up some framework or background for the two of you to work forward from.

Best wishes my friend. I hope it goes well.

[lauren_helene]

Thanks everyone!!

I am putting a lot on this one and only session. I'll take the advice from here and go with the flow.

I trust my therapist completely

I love the fireworks display echoes, I must figure out how to do that.

Secret, thank you for your kind words too.

Hi Almeda! It's July 4, and I'm wondering how your session went... I took my mother to a few sessions with my 1st therapist.. it was years ago, back when I lived at home, and most of the problems were centered around conflict with her... It was weird b/c my therapist at the time was her previous therapist. Either way, I wanted to kick my mother off of the couch. So I really hope your family member session was better than mine! Let us know how it went. Is your brother staying with you for a few days?

[sunrise]

almedafan, I am hoping too that your session with your brother went well. Enjoy your time with him during his visit!

I have found it interesting when my husband attends sessions with me to be able to sit back and watch T "in action." It gives me new appreciation for his skills, when I can observe them more neutrally, when they are not directed at me.

[lauren_helene]

Hi all

I didn't have a chance until now at 5:40 am to give a summary. I do not think it went well w/ my brother.

Before my brother arrived at the airport, he had a major blow out w/ my dad. I talked this over with T before we went to the appointment and he suggested canceling so not to stir anything up with him. I was afraid he would have a melt down and asked for a crisis number in his absence.

I didn't want to cancel and at first I was hurt he suggested that. Then I figured maybe I was putting him in a bad spot since my brother isn't his client and he tried suicide once years ago and has major anger issues. I've told T all about this in sessions. He did say it was up to me and I still wanted to go.

I told T that nothing would happen at the session and it didn't. Why I think this went bad is because my brother said many things that hurt me:

1) He focused on how 'awful' I was growing up and said 'well, I didn't hate my sister, I don't think mom or dad hated my sister'. My T didn't ask if he hated me. I forget what the question was but this answer hit me hard. He never said he wanted to be closer to me like I did at the beginning of the session.

2) Even though my brother is having a rough time with my dad, he defended him all through the session. He always does this. My T was asking him how he thinks I should handle myself with my dad when he is critical? My brother had no answer really. He then said both my parents love me more than life. My T then pushed on and said 'your dad once called your sister and threatened that in a divorce he would testify in court for her husband and not her'.

How should she have responded to this? My brothers answer was 'dad just says things sometimes, he jokes, or he gets mad and doesn't think, he didn't mean that. He then said my sister and my dad are the same person and just butt heads'. T asked him if he thought my dad was just joking and my brother said probably.

Then my brother went on to say how all the men in my life before my current husband were garbage and I should feel lucky that my now husband wants me. He also said that if I can't get along with my husband, I might as well hang it up and never date again. Because he is perfect don't you all know... He's even told my husband that he loves him as a brother.

That's nice, but he's never told me he loves me as his sister...

There was more to this love fest regarding my husband but too much to type. I'm glad my whole family loves him but he and I do have problems. He won't even go to therapy to fix them. He says I am the problem not him.

My family treats my husband way better than me. I am a good wife and mother. That is why I am in therapy to be a better well adjusted mother for my child and not repeat any of these bad cycles. It is working I think.

My T was mad when I told him what my dad said months ago. I am not doing anything that a court would find unacceptable and take my son away. My T told me outright that he believes this too.

This is just more threats and brainwashing by my dad to not leave my husband because HE doesn't want me to. My husband is good for my family but may not be right for me.

My brother was his normal self and was hard on me I feel during the whole session. I could tell my T didn't like what he was saying at all. I can't wait for our next session to get his take on all of this.

I am glad I did it though. T really went out of his way to do this for me. His phone kept ringing and he ignored it during the session. I heard him later after the session say to someone 'I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now'...

I did apologize for keeping him but he said no not at all, he wanted to meet my brother too. I did tell T that I am beyond grateful that he did this for me. I'm sure he had a lot to do before leaving for vacation the next morning.

There is more to all of this but I'm so drained right now. My brother and his girlfriend are here until Sunday.

[Perna]

almeda24fan, sounds like things went both "good" and bad. Lots of things were confirmed for you and your T it sounds like. It's too bad your family, especially the men, sound so defensive. I'm glad you are going ahead and helping yourself and doing that well and that you have such a good T to help.

[lauren_helene]

Hi Perna,

You are right in the sense that my T was able to see for himself what I'm dealing with. He basically just met my dad because everything out of my brother's mouth was dads words and even the way my dad would've said them.

The whole thing is very scary. It just confirms for me that I'm alone except for my son and sometimes my husband when he feels like being my husband...

I know I'm being negative but I can feel myself spiraling...I'm trying to recall what my T would say to me with times like this. I'm having an easier time seeing his face and remembering what he has told me.

That is progress I think! Someone on here mentioned about not being able to see their T's face outside of session. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. Isn't that odd?

I wish he would write a book or something, then his picture would be on the back cover and that would help

[MissCharlotte]

((Almeda))

Wow, what a session. It sounds very painful and difficult.

I have a similar situation with my brother, who denies my childhood experience. It hurts deeply. I'm glad for you that T got to observe the interaction, it can only help your therapy. I was the one who said I can't remember T's face from session to session. And now that he has been on vacation since last week, I really can't remember what he looks like at all.

Take care and good luck with the rest of the visit.

[sunrise]

almedafan, that sounds like a very intense session. How very dedicated and caring that your T agreed to do this one timer with you and your brother. You know your T did that for you because he cares so much about you, don't you? I could easily see a T not wanting to do that since it is a one time thing only and lots of potential for opening cans of worms and solving nothing. But it sounds like your T did a skillful job with it.

It also sounds very hurtful to me--some of those things your brother said. I have had a similar experience with my husband in therapy, that he can say some really, really hurtful things that just knock me out. Things he has never said to my face outside of therapy. I think it is to the therapist's credit to create that safe space where people can say stuff like that. It was certainly amazing how your brother opened up and said stuff instead of just sitting there, feeling shy, and not comfortable enough to get to some issues. In some ways, it is almost like it hurts more to hear those things from my husband in T's presence because it makes me so vulnerable, not just to my husband but to my T, that he is hearing this stuff. And I have wondered if my husband knows it will hurt me more, be more potent, if he says this stuff in front of T. The flip side is that he has also said some really nice stuff to me in therapy, and he doesn't say that stuff outside of therapy either. Family therapy is a mystery!

I cringed when I read what your father said to you about taking your husband's side in a divorce. ((((hugs))))

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My T was mad when I told him what my dad said months ago.

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I am glad he got mad on your behalf.

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This is just more threats and brainwashing by my dad to not leave my husband because HE doesn't want me to. My husband is good for my family but may not be right for me.

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almedafan, I hope you will not let your family's opinion of your husband sway you one way or another. It doesn't matter what they think of him. You are an adult and they do not control you. It is your marriage and only you know its highs and lows and what you might do in the future. Frankly, if my family members chimed in with their uninformed opinions, I would tell them to butt out.

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The whole thing is very scary. It just confirms for me that I'm alone except for my son and sometimes my husband when he feels like being my husband...

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almedafan, it is important to develop a support network so you have people you can turn to. It sounds like maybe your family will not be part of this. Your brother and father at least are not supportive. How about your mother? Any other siblings? Besides family, a support network should include friends. If you don't have close friends who can provide support, that is an area to develop. Hope I'm not getting too CBT on ya...

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Someone on here mentioned about not being able to see their T's face outside of session.

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My daughter is that way with her therapist.

You were brave to do this, almedafan. I hope it was useful to you.

[SecretGarden]

I have been thinking of you during this time and wondering how things went. This sounds like a particularly difficult painful session. It makes me hurt for you just reading it. But, as others have said, yourself included, this gives your T the picture.

I wonder how long your T is on vacation for or when you will see him again.

I also wonder how the rest of your weekend has gone with you and your brother? Were you able to put the session aside for the time being? I think that would be difficult too..all that it included.

Good luck with the rest of the weekend. Take care.

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Before my brother arrived at the airport, he had a major blow out w/ my dad.

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Well, wasn't that convenient timing by your dad.... making sure your brother was firmly in his 'camp' before he left to visit you?

I'm sorry the session was disappointing and painful for you.

I so admire you, Almeda24fan, becuase you have learned to think for yourself and because you have the courage and bravery for therapy.

I'm so glad you have a wonderful T who stood up for you and obviously cares very much for you.

I hope you are doing okay today.

hugs,

ECHOES

[lauren_helene]

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sunrise said:
almedafan, that sounds like a very intense session. How very dedicated and caring that your T agreed to do this one timer with you and your brother. You know your T did that for you because he cares so much about you, don't you?

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Yes I am now feeling that he does care I've been with him about a year and a half and it has taken me this long to feel that he cares rather than just hear about it. It means more to me than he'll ever know that we've gotten to point. I have very few people in my life who I can say that I feel they care about me.

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sunrise said:
I could easily see a T not wanting to do that since it is a one time thing only and lots of potential for opening cans of worms and solving nothing.

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I was wondering about this because it was a one time thing. He put me at ease with it though. I mentioned it to him way in advance so he could think about it.

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sunrise said:
It was certainly amazing how your brother opened up and said stuff instead of just sitting there, feeling shy, and not comfortable enough to get to some issues.

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I was surprised too but I am realizing now that my brother did tell my dad he was coming with me. So my guess is that dad made sure he was in his camp...it is odd because my brother flip flops way too much. When dad hurts him he believes what I do about most everything. Then dad smooths it over with him and his back on his side again.

It is a frustrating and never ending cycle. I'm glad my T heard him the way I usually hear him...

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sunrise said:
I cringed when I read what your father said to you about taking your husband's side in a divorce.

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Isn't that outrageous for a father to say to his daughter? and when there is no reason for it other than my dad thinks my husband walks on water and apparently he still harbors resentment against me for the past (teenage years stuff). I was floored. I'm not doing anything that would cause me to lose my child or be labeled an unfit mother. This really sickens me that he said this and my brother didn't defend me with my T. He just went on to say how I should consider myself lucky that I have my husband because the guys I used to date were a bunch of idiots.

I shake my head at this comment from both of them.

As for the support system, you are right. It just takes me a long time to trust people. I do have my best friend back home and some new friends here. We'll see what else develops...

[lauren_helene]

Thanks everyone! It really helped me to read your comments. Echoes you hit the nail on the head. My dad did make sure my brother was in his camp.

We are both in our mid thirties, isn't this beyond childish at this point? Geez!

no, not childish. family dysfunction gets so tangled, so enmeshed, that it takes hard work to sort out... the very hard work you are doing and should be SO proud of yourself for!


ECHOES