Intense session; insights maybe

My T doesn't want me to ruminate about the session and asked me to "put it in the cabinet" in her office, but I just need to "get it out". Hopefully, that's not ruminating.

The way my T does therapy is to focus on the here and now, so when I said I wanted her to sit closer and hold my hand, she moved her chair closer, a little at a time, and asked how I was feeling. Often I'm nervous with her being close. It was fine, though I thought I was "present", but she commented that I wasn't because my eyes were kind of glazed! She was right. She knows better than I do if I'm there or not.

I was going to talk about other things, but started to tell her about what I read in the book, Attachment in Psychotherapy. She says my attachment style is preoccupied, and agrees I'm not really borderline, but more histrionic (not sure if that's right word). There are two kinds of preoccupied attachment. Then I mentioned T thinking I was abused but I don't agree.

I had other issues to talk about but we got on that instead. She said this was more important than my agenda, because I was reacting to her in the here and now. She says I have a "what's the big deal? attitude about my brother and his actions with me. That's correct. She thinks his spying on me in the bathroom even though I didn't know it, was abusive. I sort of agree, but his making me touch him was just annoying to me. She says it's abuse because he's 5 years older. T says I protect myself from feelings about it. She asked why I didn't tell my mother I don't know why not. I didn't confide in my mother about things that were bothering me. I kept them to myself.

I didn't ask my mother something else that was more triggering for me. T said one of my anatomy words and I panicked! This has nothing to do with abuse. I feel really stupid because I didn't ask my mother something that worried me for 8 years!!!

Anyway, T held my hand when I asked her to, and we talked about her loving me even when I'm bad, like when I drove past her house. She says she does love me. She knows I won't drive by her house again, because I'm respectful. I still feel I'm bad, for other things, but I know I'm not.

I felt depressed when I left, but as I was walking out, I said "Our relationship is fine! I think it's what we talked about that's making me sad!" My T thought that was a great insight! Sometimes it IS about her, but today was mostly about my unfinished stuff from the past.

I feel crummy, but good at the same time. I asked T how many times she read that book, since she does therapy like Wallen. She said she didn't have to read it many times; she knows it! That's how she works with me. I'm so glad she's my T. Have I said that before?

I don't know how to not think about my session. It brought up a lot of old feelings that are unresolved. I'm never good with sitting with the feelings. I want them resolved already. I want the past to have been different. I wish my T would not keep insisting it's abuse! I added the trigger since I want to write about it again.

Why do I keep defending my brother? I saw that T thinks he was abusive. She said, what if a grandchild would do that to a sibling? I said I'd be angry! I think it was wrong for him to do that to me but I don't call it abuse. When he teased me by locking the closet and throwing lit matches at the door, that I can call abusive. But not making me touch him. He said I didn't object, but I was about 5 and he was 10. Or maybe 6 and 11. The spying through a hole he made in the tile happened when I was 14 and he was 19 but I didn't find out about it until I was 21.

I didn't realize I have unfinished business about these incidents but I must, or I wouldn't feel so unsettled now.

The other situation was because I was afraid to ask my Mom something because I was embarrassed. I was starting to blush in the session. T asked if I know the difference between shame and embarrassment. I think embarrassment is about a situation but shame is pervasive. I didn't say that so T didn't answer either.

Maybe by tomorrow I won't have to think about all of this so much but "put it in the cabinet" doesn't seem to work for me. Instead, I have to analyze it, come to some peace, and then I can relax.

What a great session! There is really a different flavor to the conversation between you and your t - a different give and take. You really are staying more present, more in the moment.

There is SO much distance between our brothers then and us now. I think thats a big part of trying to reconcile the past. I saw my brother today. Its like looking across a mine field. It could be clear, or it could blow up. We dont really have a bridge that takes us from the past to the present. We just never put the time or effort into it.

Thanks, unaluna! You noticed! Yeah, I thought I was honest with my T, but lately our interactions have gone to a new level of uncharted territory and honesty!!!

Thanks for sharing about your brother. Mine lives in another country, so we only email. I can't get over that he has such a different view and memory of what happened between us! It seems like we're both defensive in different ways. I always wanted to know the truth, but there is no truth, just perceptions and feelings. Except T thinks I covered up my feelings. Last time I posted about my brother, most people thought it was abuse. I didn't understand that, so maybe T is correct.

Just wondering if anyone else had any comments on my thread? I feel pathetic for asking. I'm feeling better today so maybe I just needed to vent and think things through. I also wonder if anyone else's T does therapy like mine, with so much attention to the here and now, and a focus on our relationship. Thanks.

Kudos to you rainbow for having the courage to focus on the here-and-now with your T!

I seriously shy away from the discomfort of it and change the topic (which my T finally pointed out) -- it's what I do in the rest of my life as well and so, being okay doing it seems like a long road ahead.

I guess I don't really have much else to say except take your time with the abuse label -- I find that just my emotions (about any event) being validated is often enough until I can get used to whatever the label is.

It sounds like you're really making awesome progress in your therapy!

I have been thinking of a response to your thread as my T seems similar to yours but I am not doing well in the brain functioning department today but I will respond when I can. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and your questions.

My T also tries to get me to focus on the hear and now, mainly because I automatically shut down my emotions when they're too unsettling. I've unknowingly become a master at avoiding unpleasant feelings.


Also, I can sort of understand the issue with your brother, although my story is not the same. I can accept that mine abused me, I can accept that alot of terrible things happened, and probably even more terrible things that I don't care to remember, I even know why I never told my mother, and I can accept my reasoning.... But I cannot think of my childhood and label what happened to me as traumatic.


Trauma just feels like much too big of a word.


I'm glad to hear you're making such wonderful progress.

Like trippin says - i got lost in my earlier post. Im one of the people who said, rainbow thats abuse. Maybe broken or effed up is a better description. Just not something to build a relationship on.

More apparent or striking by what is now absent, than by what was then present. Like, no hard feelings, but not a lot of close feelings either.

Thanks, ay! It wasn't MY idea to focus on the here and now but it's the way my T likes to operate. I've come to appreciate the benefits though not without embarrassment!

Thanks, Ellahmae. I've noticed your T seems somewhat like mine.

Thanks, trippin. My T talks about little t traumas. I don't like the word either, or "abuse." I still don't think he abused me.

Is that how it is with your brothers? Strange thing. I usually get along pretty well with my brother. I know he wasn't malicious so I don't blame him. It's confusing!

Hi Rainbow, focusing on the here & now is fantastic because this is where life happens.