[jbug]

I wrote this letter to my T and I plan to give it to him when I see him on Tuesday but I want to know if it makes sense.

Dear Steve,

I have been thinking a lot lately about everything and I’ve come to a decision. Life just sucks and it won’t get any better. I am really struggling right now and it seems like when I vocalize this no one is listening.

Everyone says how good I am doing but I just see a lifetime of struggles and stupid mistakes. I feel like I am standing in a crowded room screaming and no one is listening. I know you said I freaked out Dr. Farrow and that was not my intent I was just vocalizing what I am feeling. Maybe I do need to be put in the hospital. I really don’t want to go though because I know I’d have to go back to Little Rock, as Vista never has any openings. I really don’t want to go to Little Rock. No one could come see me. I feel so all alone in Little Rock the few times I’ve been there. I also don’t like that someone is telling me when I can come home. You say there aren’t any 72-hour holds anymore but I am scared that you are telling me this just to calm me down. I want to believe you but for some reason I just can’t.

I just want it all to end and just make all the pain go away. Why can’t I make that happen? I am trying so hard to do what I think others want me to do and am trying so hard to make things work in therapy. I do what you tell me to do but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like I am in crisis all the time. I know that is part of what being borderline is but it seems like my life is ruled by my disorder. I want to rule my disorder not have it rule me. I want to have control over my life but it doesn’t seem that is going to happen anytime soon. Why can’t I just wake up and all things be ok. I want the magic wand to be waved over me so that I can be normal. I know you say that there is no such thing as normal but I don’t want to be on disability, I don’t want to have to come see you twice a week, I don’t want to be on medicine. I want to be well. I don’t think that is ever going to happen though and that scares me. What if everything I’m doing is for nothing. What if all this work I’m doing is just a waste of time because I’ll never get any better. If I’m never going to get better it would be better off if I wasn’t here.

((Jenniebug))That is a very sad letter. You do deserve to feel better. I hope your T realises the desperation you are feeling at this time! Please know that someone does care. I care!

[jbug]

Thanks mouse. I am really struggling right now as you realized.

Jbug

[pegasus]

(((((((((( janniebug ))))))))))

Try and remind yourself that you won't always feel like this forever. Mental health is up and down. You will get through this.

Can you ring your T to let him know how desperate you feel. Sometimes it helps just to hear T's voice and know that someone cares.

Thinking of you, please take care.

[dreamrunner]

janniebug.....your letter makes sense to me.....I think it will be good to hash it all out with him.
Good luck

(((( jbug ))))

I think you expressed yourself very well in your letter.

Hang in there. You absolutely do deserve the life you want.

I believe in you.

hugs,

ECHOES

[MissCharlotte]

((Janniebug))

I am so sad that you feel so low and in such despair. Know that we are here to listen to you and support you. Your letter makes perfect sense, as it expresses your feelings. I hope T appreciates your honesty. Best of luck with your session and hospital decision.

How are you feeling today Janniebug?

[jbug]

I am feeling about the same. I talked to my T today when he was in his office doing some paper work. I told him I wrote him a letter and he was interested and I told him I posted it here and he came and looked at it and we talked about it. I think it is getting closer to the time where I will be hospitalized. I am trying to put it off until after my surgery on Friday. The on-call therapist helped a bit but it wasn't who i expected so it made me bit uncomfortable. I was told to take my meds and call myT in the morning. I will call Steve when I wake up as he told me to do. I am supposed to come up with some reasons for me to live.

Jbug

[lauren_helene]

Jannie I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I like the letter and am glad that he called you back to talk about it.

(((hugs)))

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((((((Janniebug)))))))))))))))))))

This hurts my heart so much to hear how much you are going through right now. You are such a kind and caring person and I wish i had the power to just wave that wand over you and make everything okay. I'm glad you did share this letter with you're T ...

You said that you didn't want your disorder to rule your life, but for you to rule your disorder. So do it. Go for it. I know you can do it, you are so strong. No, its not going to be easy, but nothing ever worth accomplishing is. Try not to hang on to your "mistakes" ... try not to beat yourself up over them. No one is perfect, and mistakes happen for a reason ... everything happens for a reason. YOU are here for a reason. Fight this. I know you can do it.

Thinking of you,
Jacq

[Soidhonia]

(((JANNIE))). I am very sorry that you are struggling at this time. I hope that you will get better and feel better soon. Take care of youself, Soidhonia