another miserable group session

Ugh ugh ugh. Why have I not given up on group therapy yet?!

So this evening I didn't say much. But I was listening to a dialogue that was going on, and it was interesting and I was sort of trying to figure out what each of the people involved meant. But I didn't have anything that I wanted to add. Then T asks me how I feel and I don't know, and I say I just wanted to be a voyeur. So then I'm attacked by the group for not participating. So I say that I don't want to participate, don't want to be there, don't trust them, and am just generally hostile. Sadly those things aren't even true -- I just feel so horrified at the thought of trying to talk to a group of people at once. It's at least as frightening to me as public speaking (of which I'm terrified). And I mostly just can't do it. I mean not one single phrase will come into my head to say. Nothing. I'm as blank as blank can be. And I feel like a fool when I try to stumble around to make up something so I just become hostile. I'd rather be seen as hostile or silent and uncaring than as the fool I feel like if I try to participate. I actually do care and believe I could even connect with most of them one-on-one but not all at once. I just feel like I'm being judged, and I can't do it. Misery.

And of course the other ongoing problems of late are that I lost my job (most of you probably read the thread where I said I was laid off) and am horribly worried about that. And to top that off, I saw my ex-lover with someone else last week -- looking at her the way he used to look at me. I just wanted to vanish.

How I'm supposed to drum up the energy to participate in group I don't know. I have a horrible enemy = myself. And I don't have the mental energy to contribute to it. I think if everything in my life were going great, and I had just come from happy hour I might have a chance. Otherwise I'm not gonna participate. So why don't I just get out?! I guess i just hate breakups. All of them....

Okay thanks for letting me vent..... Hope it's not too frustrating to read the same old story from me again....

Sidony

Ugh... this again? JK!! You can vent as much as you want, you are going through a really, really tough time.

That must have felt awful when the group started attacking you for not participating. I don't think I could ever been in group therapy. No wa y. You are brave. Why do you think you keep going?

You have individual tomorrow, right?

Yup, individual tomorrow. I'll see how long I last without talking about the miserable group session.

I keep going because I think, if I were ever able to be open to it, it might be helpful. Or else I'm going because T wants me to and I trust his opinion. And sometimes I'm really optimistic about it. Only once I get in there do I flip out and can't say anything. I hate having T watch me struggling there too. I know I don't act like myself at all when I'm there, even though group is supposed to be some sort of microcosm of your real life experience. Well in real life I avoid participating in group sessions (other than happy social events) so the analogy doesn't hold for me.

I briefly mention my problems like my job loss. I don't find it helpful to talk about them there. Then I just feel obligated to give updates on it or something and sometimes I don't want to talk at all. I was content merely to listen tonight but had T trying to drag me in. Not that I blame him -- he probably wonders why I keep coming too.

Blah.
Sidony

What would happen if you printed out what you've written here and read it to the group? That way you don't have to worry about drawing a blank (I do that, too), and maybe they would begin to understand you better as a real person. Just a thought.

I'm sorry you were attacked just because you felt reticent about participating. I think you're really brave and determined to get well. Admiration.

sidony, I'm so sorry group is so hard for you. Do you think they were attacking you because they sense you are not being honest with them? What would happen if you told them what you just told us? How frightened you are to talk to a group of people, how your mind goes blank, and how you believe you would look like a fool if you tried to talk and they would judge you? Then at least they would know the truth and maybe might even be more sympathetic or helpful to you.

It is interesting that it is easier for you to continue with this seemingly miserable experience each week than to terminate it. (Kind of like me and my marriage! )

Hang in there.

sunny

Hey, thanks for the input. Yeah I know I need to talk about this stuff. Just haven't had the nerve. The reason it's easier for me to stay than to go is because I don't want to just vanish. Apparently it's really common for people to quit group by just suddenly not showing up and never showing up again. In group, they request that you come in and say good-bye if you're leaving. To me, that sounds miserable because you can't really say good-bye without people wanting to talk to you about it or talk you out of it, etc. It's a horribly frightening conversation. So I put that off. But avoiding it seems cowardly to me so I don't want to leave without doing it. I'm tempted to just randomly not show up some evenings, but then that comes across as some pathetic cry for attention. So I just show up and shut up. I guess I should just say that I have no goals there. Originally I said that I wanted to learn to be closer to people. I don't have that goal right now because my goal of fixing my life (finding a new job!) has overridden all else. Guess that's a hierarchy of needs thing....

Sidony

P.S. To be honest, they weren't cruel to me. They were just all asking me about it at once, so I felt under siege because I was suddenly on the spot. Truthfully they weren't mean to me about it.

Sidony - just wanted to say I am so sorry that group is so hard. I can't imagine going to a group - won't ever happen. Does it get easier each time you go?

Hi Sidony,

I read your post about group therapy. I think it's possible your experience in group could get better in time. I also hope you'll do what is best for you, whatever you think that is. If you've been going to group for some time now, and you're still not having a positive experience with it and you'd like to take a break or stop altogether, I hope you'll listen to that within yourself. Even if your T is recommending group therapy, you still have the option to tell your T that you think individual therapy is working out, but group therapy doesn't seem like the best match for you right now. That's valid....group sessions don't always meet everyone's needs! I know some friends for whom group therapy been very helpful, but I've tried it and I know it didn't seem to work out very well for me either. I think this is partly because I'm a very introverted person and am more likely to listen than talk....it's much easier for me to communicate one-on-one. I think there are so many things in life for which one size doesn't fit all. It's true in therapy also; one approach doesn't work for everyone. Group therapy is helpful for some folks, and other people do better sticking with individual therapy. And that's okay.....it's good for us to learn what works best for us, and in what situations we can do our best growing and learning. Or at least that's what I think!

Take care, I wish you all the best.

Take care,
ErinBear

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sunrise said:
It is interesting that it is easier for you to continue with this seemingly miserable experience each week than to terminate it. (Kind of like me and my marriage! )
sunny

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Oh! That hit painfully home for me! I guess the known pain/misery seems easier than dealing with the unknown.

Oh no Sidony, not that lousy group session again

I'm sorry you are going through a bunch of tough stuff right now. I understand the wanting to vanish sometimes.

I'm glad you expressed your feelings to the group. I say good for you!

If it makes you feel any better, I ran a group session yesterday, and wanted to hide under the table. Some people were actively involved, three people were arguing, one guy was pushing my buttons, and the rest were actively psychotic.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do... just that some days are a bit more frustrating than others.

Wow. Running a group session sounds like torture!

I talked all about group in individual session today. I said how I felt like a failure afterward and how I always felt like an idiot whenever I talked. I said I think the online forums I come to (here) are probably what group therapy is supposed to be since I come on here and participate. I just need the buffer of having time to think about what I want to say and being able to say it right. T suggested that I say (in group) that I want to respond but need to think about what I want to say. Naturally the pressure of an audience waiting on me would be overwhelming so I don't see that working. We talked about comfort too -- and how the idea of my sharing what's going on in my life with the group doesn't sound comforting to me. I guess I like escapism as comfort (happy music, psyching myself up on caffeine) rather than talking about things.

I don't know. Maybe I'll try to talk next week. They'd be happy to put the spotlight on me if I suddenly tried to dominate the conversation with my own feelings about how things are going! I don't see myself drumming up the nerve though.

Sidony

Maybe you jack yourself up on caffiene before group.

Imagine what the group would say if you came in one session and dominated the whole thing, not letting anyone else get word in edgewise.

But seriously, I'm glad that you explored it with your T during individual. It makes perfect sense that you like to think about what you are going to say beforehand.... and sitting in a group while everyone is waiting for you to talk isn't really an ideal situation.

Maybe you can commit yourself to saying just one thing about yourself next week. Just one. I know that group discussions can end up going wherever the group takes it and that you can't always plan beforehand what you want to say... but perhaps, knowing the dynamics of the group, you can think up a couple of things you might want to say-- something will fit in-- then pick one. And that's it. Then you can decide how you feel when you say it, and whether or not you feel like elaborating. If you do well, buy yourself a new outfit for indivdual on Tuesday. And if you you don't do well, then still buy an outfit. Just don't buy shoes to go with it.

Oh hey I like the way you think. I shouldn't let a little thing like unemployment stop me from buying stuff! :-D

And that's a good suggestion about just picking one thing to say about myself. Now what would it be....

I'd rather think about group therapy (and all the anxieties involved) than the process of finding a new job.... Ugh ugh ugh (I'm currently sitting here stressing over my portfolio website -- I've spent hours on it and still think it looks like crap -- this is not good for me.)

Sidony