I think my mother wants me to quit therapy.

So my insurance is about to run out which means I will be paying $150 a week for therapy. My mum told me yesterday that "I can't afford it" and I should just go once a month instead of every week. I was just like "Uh, no!". My mum also said that she can't see any improvement in me and that she doesn't think therapy is helping me. I told her it will take time and she asked me how long and what sort improvements should she expect to see. I really don't know how to answer that.

My mum then started criticising me and saying that "I don't do anything" even though I do. I work full-time and yesterday when we had this conversation it was Saturday so I just wanted to relax at home and watch TV and stuff. I did do some tidying but apparently that is not enough. I think the fact that I am able to go to work everyday despite feeling terrible a lot of the time is an achievement but I guess my Mum doesn't think so. I get so angry at her when she says stuff like this to me . She wants me to talk to her about what is going on with me but how can I when she acts like this?

I have hard time explaining what therapy is like to my Mum especially because psychodynamic therapy is a lot more "abstract" than CBT. My mother still gets psychologists and psychiatrists mixed up so yeah... My T has some articles on her website that explain what psychodynamic therapy is so maybe I could tell my mum to read those.

I love my T and I don't want to stop seeing her. I feel like going every week is important for me right now because I am still trying to build trust and open up to T and going on a regular basis helps with that. $150 a week is a bit of stretch for me though so I guess I will need to talk to T about this when I next see her even though it is kind of embarrassing for me. Ugh, why does it all have to be so complicated?

The "you don't do anything" speech is one I get often from my own mother, and it's really exhausting. When I was still living at home it was all the time; now it's just whenever I go back home on holiday, but it's still as mentally draining as ever.

I'm sorry you have to pay such an insane amount of money for therapy. I really hope you can work something out with your therapist, because it's clearly important for you to keep going every week. Building a therapeutic relationship can take time.

Also, it doesn't sound like your mother would be able to recognise progress even if it bit her in the arse? I know my own parents find it very easy to judge me, and seem to focus on that instead of looking for positive things to say.

Before I went home for Easter, my university therapist asked me to write a daily journal about the role I play in my family. A clear pattern emerged: my parents dish out the same criticism over and over again, and I respond either with anger or sarcasm. My therapist says that if I want that to change, I have to change my own role in the family script. It's my responsibility to change it, because I can't change them. So rather than falling into the same old pattern, I'm now going to try to respond differently to their criticism. Instead of lashing back at them, I'm going to calmly say, "That's not a very nice thing to say, dad" or "You know, that upsets me, mum" or similar. It will most likely be very hard, because they will try to fight it as they don't know any other way, and there is a space in my family that is shaped just for me. If I'm not in it, no one else can fill it, so there will inevitably be resistance. I'll have to create a new space of my own, and they are going to have to learn to accept it, once they get over the initial discomfort of the script changes.

Do you think you could try something similar with your mother?

Very solid advice from Bipolar Warrior. I echo everything she said a million times over.

Sorry you're facing this. My mom doesn't really understand why I go to therapy, but she at least keeps the judgemental speeches to herself. Wishing you the best.

Thank you both for your replies. Bipolar Warrior, you did indeed give me some good advice!

I have tried to respond differently but it seems to make no difference so I just give up. Like the other week my parents were making some comments on what I was eating in a way that sounded like they were calling me fat. I was upset by it and my Dad said "they were just teasing me" and said "well I don't like it" and then my Mum responds "Oh diddums". So yeah... that's usually how it seems to go.

I often feel as though my mum invalidates my feelings which is why I like my T so much, she never does that to me.

Also I think "diddums" is a British word but it is basically a sarcastic way of saying "poor you".

How does your mother know that therapy isn't helping you? She isn't YOU. She is not the one receiving therapy. There is no way for her to know if therapy is/isn't helping you unless you explicitly tell her. So, it's obvious that she's making assumptions about you and therapy, which is wrong of her.

Personally (and this is just me), I would ask her why she doesn't think therapy is helping me. Then I would proceed to tell her what therapy has helped me with. That puts the spotlight on her and forces her to think about what she's actually saying. (Sometimes parents are ignorant and don't realize how ignorant they're being.)

Anyway, I hope you can work out the cost of therapy with your therapist.

It sounds like she is basically saying "your therapy isn't helping me." The thing she might not get is that you (probably) don't go to therapy to work on becoming who she wants you to be. Is there any reason you have to discuss your therapy with her at all? Is it important to you to make her understand you?

Speaking only for myself, my life improved a lot once I stopped trying to make my parents understand me. I realized at some point that therapy was fulfilling my need to be understood and so I was liberated from having to seek it from such unlikely places anymore. It took awhile longer to realize that I actually no longer care so much if my family understand me. Our relationship has improved tremendously since I'm no longer hoping for something they cannot give.

I wonder if it would be helpful to just go with some variation of "okay thanks, I'll think about it" or something when she starts saying anything unhelpful. You can choose not to engage when people criticize or undermine you. Subject changes and leaving the room are also good strategies.

Telling someone that they're hurting your feelings is only worthwhile if they a) care about your feelings b) have the ego strength to hear you without being defensive. When those conditions are not met, IMHO, you're best off just shutting down the hurtful conversation.

Don't be embarrassed about discussing the money side of things, definitely talk to your T about it. Are you the one paying for therapy? - T's know therapy isn't cheap so I'm sure she's had the convo many times before. You sound very responsible for working as well as everything you have going on - sounds like therapy is at least helping you to support yourself and to be working.

I'm almost 30 now and unfortunately after almost a decade of therapy my mum still sees me as the same person she did when I started - however I see the world differently and I certainly see her and our relationship differently. My mum barely knows me and I feel like my T gets me so well.

Good luck and stay strong - def stick with your T sounds like she gets you!

Hoping your therapist will work out some kind of sliding scale for you so you can continue to see her weekly ...

My parents definitely wanted me to quit therapy ... Especially when their dirty little secrets that I'd helped them keep long buried started to see the light of day!

After two years of having them try to undermine my recovery process, I kicked them to the curb ... While not easy, it's doable ... And, it's the best thing I ever did for my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being!

I went through a period of time that I couldn't afford therapy and ended up utilizing therapists that worked on sliding scale, and when that was no longer affordable, I went to the local mental health clinic funded and operated by the county I lived in ... Therapy was 5.00 a session and my the meds I took at the time were only 5.00 a month.

I so hope you can continue to see the therapist you're with, but beyond that, I hope you are able to get away from and set some strict boundaries with your mother so that she doesn't continue to cause you harm while you're doing your darndest to fix all the damage already done by her incessant bullying (yes, that's exactly what it is) of you!



Sincerely,
Pfrog!

I'd definitely talk to your T about the money aspect. My T usually charges $150 a session, but her sliding scale is $100. While still expensive imo, it's $200 cheaper a month at least.

I get what others are saying about your mom not veing supportive of therapy or your feelings. But you can't change your mom. And if your parents are paying or helping pay for your therapy, then you're going to have to "play by their rules". So maybe try opening up to your mom about how therapy is helping you. And try to educate your mom about therapy. Maybe even bring your mom to a session!?!? My Pdoc never sees the patient’s family (unless they're the primary care giver). But she allowed my fiance to come in for a few minutes to educate him on psychiatry.

Excellent support here. I was so mad at your mum, i could only be sarcastic, so i didnt say anything

Thank you so much everyone for your support! Just to clarify, I pay for 100% of my therapy. Also, I'm 24 years old and if I think if I don't want to talk to my mother about something then I shouldn't have to. I've told my mum I will talk to her about therapy when I'm ready. My mother has always been quite controlling and overly involved in my life and I don't think she likes the fact that there are some things in my life that she doesn't get to be part of. Of course I love my mum and I would like to be able to talk more openly with her about these things but I'm just not ready to do that yet.

I still live at home because I was studying full time and the job I have now has a 6 month probationary period so I want to wait until that's done before I move out. Hopefully once I move out things will be better although moving comes with a whole other set of anxieties.

The hardest thing will be to stick with it, because they ARE going to push back at first. They will want to put you back in your place because anything else would be uncomfortable for them. You have to decide to play a new role and completely abandon the old one. So when your mum says, "Oh diddums", you should just continue with what you are doing, i.e. say something like, "That's very insensitive of you, mum, and it upsets me when you do that." And when they inevitably make fun of that, just just repeat the same thing. Eventually they will see that they are getting nowhere with their insults and insensitive behaviour, and they'll stop. But it is going to require persistence, because in your family script that is the only way you know how to be around each other, and unfortunately you are going to have to do all the work here because they aren't going to help you do it. They are going to push back, because that's all they know how to do.

Don't give up. It won't be easy, but if you persist your parents will eventually realise that they are banging their heads against a wall, and they'll stop. And if they don't, just remove yourself from the situation.

With my parents, I have lived with the following two options: either sit and listen to the same criticism I have had to listen to for years now, or start an argument I'll never win. I'm sick of that script, and no longer want to play a part in it. But in order to rewrite it, I'll have to repeat my new lines until they stop trying to push me into saying the old ones. It will be hard as hell, and I anticipate a few stumbles along the way, but I will not give up until they accept that I'm just not going to play that role anymore.

Just persist, persist, persist!

I had to learn not to react to their (mostly mom), bad behaviors. Crying or continuing to tell them did not work through the years. I was asking them to change, and I can't change anyone but myself. Eventually, their behaviors changed, but in times of family crisis they revert back to old behaviors, and want me back in the old role, and I refuse to go there. I changed states, countries, and continents, with no luck. But, therapy was really helpful with me learning not to react, and to continue to hope that my offenders would change. I was unwilling to give up my loving, but toxic family, though I did let a few friends go. It sounds like you have a good attitude about your therapy. You'll get there.

Thanks again for the awesome responses!

I know I can't change other people's behaviour but I resent the hell out of the fact that I have to do all the work. It actually pisses me off beyond words. Sometimes I will be in a perfectly okay/neutral mood and my Mum will say one little thing (it doesn't even have to be judgmental) and I will become instantly irritated. I have a lot of anger towards her that has built up over the years and I think I need to deal with that before I can try and change my role in the family dynamic. I have talk to my T quite a bit about my feelings towards my mum so hopefully if I keep doing that it will help me to resolve this anger/resentment. I just need to remind myself it will take time and to be patient (I am super impatient haha).

Your mum sounds a lot like mine:/ I get that 'only teasing' nonsense a lot too. She really upset my eight year old on the phone yesterday with it...
I know with my mam it's difficult because she can be so *good*, helping me when I need money and the like, but then there's such a lot of resentment and covert blaming and guilt trips...

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Perhaps a part of it is learning the art of not letting others upset us unduly. Learning to step back or away and disengaging or engaging differently from or with that which we find upsetting. The other person is going to do what they are going to do.

I have been very angry my whole life, so I guess my situation is a bit different in that I'm now mostly just sad about it. I can't change it, my childhood was the way it was and so were my teens. I grew up with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I have fought a lot with my parents, because they didn't understand that I was ill. And now that they do, it's too late as my role in the family script has already been written and I still get the same criticism over and over again. It's actually destroying me, as my uni therapist keeps saying.

I think I have realised that by engaging in the same arguments like a broken record I'm only making myself feel even worse. One evening, when I was home for Easter, my parents started to attack me the second I came downstairs to eat with them, and instead of responding I just stood up and walked away. I went back to my room, and I actually realised that showing them I was upset by it made me feel slightly better than I usually do when I let them drag me into an argument. Because I will never, ever win the argument.

I do understand that it is hard, don't get me wrong. I am not going to tell you that it will be all sunshine and rainbows once you do this "simple thing" or whatever, because clearly it won't be. And you have every right to feel pissed off and resentful about the fact that you need to do all the work to make things change! I hope that's something your therapist can support you with. I just think you should start making the changes now, because the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

Like other people have said - talk to your T about money.

Quick example: I was on insurance for a year or two and then suddenly became unemployed (and no insurance). Her regular rate was $130 at that time. I told her I was having issues paying. The group said they could lower the rate to $65 for me, but I told them that was still way too much. I was going biweekly, so T said she'd work pro bono for me every other week, so she ended up donating an hour once a month, and I was able to pay a much lower amount once a month. Her working pro bono was completely her decision (not the group she worked with). You might be surprised that your T might work with you on something like that....

T might also be able to talk to your mom about how you're progressing (if you're comfortable with that) and indicate why it's important.

Will your insurance renew after a certain time of the year? I know with my dental insurance I get slotted a certain amount for the year then I have to wait until I reup for insurance the next year. I've been told my mental health as well as my regular health insurance doesn't have a certain amount.

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