The Couch - CXII : The Tao of Couchies

I am not psychotic. Sometimes I think my T looks for things that aren't there, maybe he is psychotic?

Uselessest T session ever (all my own fault) and I don't get a second one this week. So frustrated and annoyed with myself.

I'm pretty sure we have all had those t sessions we absolutely felt were useless. I know how you feel.

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I don't really want to go to that 'jail' today (school). Too bad I have too. If I don't, I'm pretty sure I'll have to take all my finals.

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Yeah. Sorry. I won't whine so much.

im pretty sure that darkness forever was just trying to be supportive and share a common understanding with you . in fact i dont see the word whine in her post at all .

I have found attempts to normalize or whatever it would be called, to often seem, to me, more dismissive than anything else. I don't find it helpful for myself.
My students sometimes respond okay to it and sometimes not. It is a tricky technique in my experience.

Well, I could use something normalized if anyone is up for it. I had a weekend trip that went horribly. On the way back (supposed to be back Sunday evening)!there were mechanical difficulties and we had to stay overnight at one leg of the trip and so I got back Monday midafternoon finally. The persons I missed most and most wanted to see were my dog and cat, not my H. They were also the people most happy to see me. Dog was wagging her entire body and hasn't left my side. Cat has been leaping into my arms over and over and wanting to be held. H even got me flowers and he still wasn't the person I most wanted to see. Poor guy.

In my defense, I did talk to him on the phone repeatedly, and the dog and cat are still perplexed by the concept.

Morning couch! I've been awake for over 2 hours already, couldn't sleep, laid in bed doing some inner workings and had a big-big "awakening" moment that I can't wait to share with t. She had replied to one of my emails during my recent struggle with feeeelings for her that part of the work is knowing our own nature, and that sometimes we will suffer because that is 'our nature' something like that. Anyway that statement has been working on me ever since I read it. And I realized this morning that I want to say to her "I love you. And I'm not gonna fight it anymore. Cuz that's just who I am - a sensitive, emotional and loving person. And further, I'm so done with shaming myself for it. In fact, there's so much insensitivity and hatred in this world, that daggonit, I am NEEDED out there!!"

My inner light is burning brightly again and I see now that I have no business at all in trying to cover it up.

I wanted to share this here first because you guys have been so good to put up with my whining and struggling and rambling thoughts especially lately. I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow to pick up the super bill/receipt thing she made up for me so I can submit to insurance, and I filled out her intake paperwork again because I told her I wanted to because I wanted goals, so I'm giving that to her tomorrow too. And I plan to tell her this then. I know it's not a session or anything, but it will only take a moment to say.

Have a sparkly day everyone and hugs to those who want them.

I miss the pets more than people. For me, the pets don't talk and don't expect me to answer questions.

When I am out of town, I call home and then talk to my cats through the answering machine...

Oh, no! I wasn't trying to say you were whining, crocus. This is right. I just wanted to let you know I was here for you if you needed something or to talk because I know how you feel. I'm sorry it seemed I was saying you were whining!

[QUOTE=artemis-within;5047660]Morning couch! I've been awake for over 2 hours already, couldn't sleep, laid in bed doing some inner workings and had a big-big "awakening" moment that I can't wait to share with t. She had replied to one of my emails during my recent struggle with feeeelings for her that part of the work is knowing our own nature, and that sometimes we will suffer because that is 'our nature' something like that. Anyway that statement has been working on me ever since I read it. And I realized this morning that I want to say to her "I love you. And I'm not gonna fight it anymore. Cuz that's just who I am - a sensitive, emotional and loving person. And further, I'm so done with shaming myself for it. In fact, there's so much insensitivity and hatred in this world, that daggonit, I am NEEDED out there!!"

My inner light is burning brightly again and I see now that I have no business at all in trying to cover it up. QUOTE]

I agree with this! Congratulations on your breakthrough. We do need more people like you in the world, and I'm happy you realize that!
Never lose the strength you have just gained in that moment, the light.

I love my animals more than people. In fact, when I get in my moods where I hate people and can't stand to be near them, they are some of the only ones I can stand!

Those times when you just want to believe you are worth something, that people care and like when you are around, but you know that they do not. Where is the light? Where is life? Where is anything? Is it too hard to ask that people care and love me, that I am worth it, that I can be worth something one day? I guess it is. I know my parents and siblings love me, but I feel they have too because I am their daughter/sister. Sad times, I guess.
Sometimes I just hate who I am, who I have become, and I want to change. I want to feel my emotions, but I am so scared. I don't even know how t feel most emotions anymore. I just feel brief emotions through the day, or a deep sadness. What is a girl to do? To say? I don't know any more. And I don't think I ever will. What can I find worth living in the world, find worthwhile to let my emotions finally shine through? To feel happiness? What is happiness? What can be happy? I feel that everything is out of my hands, and I can't control anything! Everything is gone! I can't do anything! And it never ends. So I ask once again, what is a girl to do? To say? Nothing. I'm not even sure what emotions are. I'm not sure why I am writing this, but I am. And it just is. Sorry, guys. Just a bit of much needed venting. I seem to have posted a lot on here in the past two days. You don't have to read this if you don't want to. But you already have if you get to this point. Sorry!

The couch isn't limited to number of posts per user.
I sure have had my fair share of random words, ventings, posts on the couch.

Hugs, Darkness.

it probably wouldn't bother me that much if my T said something along the lines of working together, but just yesterday she started off the session by saying that while she has some knowledge on human behavior and development, and has theories in general on what helps people feel better, she is no expert, and I am the one that knows me and has to help her (this is if I feel stuck, which is a big problem for me). I thought that was very honest and true.
I also dislike normalizing too, which thankfully my T doesn't do too much. It doesn't make me feel any better that others might feel the way I do.

The normalization thing does not work for me whether done by a therapist or anyone else.

I guess, for me, normalization works in a similar way to T talking about working together.
For the longest time I felt so alone, thinking that the issues I struggled with were things that 'normal' people didn't deal with, or that they were so insignificant to them that they were not an issue. I was very ashamed of my inability to cope and didn't dare to tell anyone for the most part. Whenever I tried I framed it in the kind of language that suggested I thought I was dealing with things above and beyond, which led to my feeling rejected and ignored when the person would try to tell me that what I felt was 'normal'.
It has been such a relief to finally accept that my issues are 'normal'. I am not a freak after all.

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No - I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that it was just my own thoughts. I didn't mean to put words in Darkness' mouth. Thanks, granite.

I did not interpret it that way at all. It was my own realisation, not your words in any way.

Crocus - t said to tell you he did indeed have herring, with curry. He said Walpurgisnacht is his favorite holiday besides valentines day - that May Day of course appeals to his socialist side. Idk if he just said that because he could be Bernie Sanders stunt double

Ellah Mae - i agree, there is just something about writing in french. Bun yip, my retort used to be "quel fromage!" - instead of "quel dommage!" - people would tell me, 'but youre saying what cheese, not what a shame' and id be like yeah i KNOW.

Well, I approve, though he should broaden his pickled herring consumption a bit. I used to really love Walpurgis, but I have not been able to do anything other than the herring lunch for the last six years (not since my father's death). Maybe some year I will, again. Or maybe not - H isn't all that interested (and of course he has no idea that I miss it; if he did he might insist that we participate in some of the celebrating.)

Yes! Quel fromage - I do that too. (I don't actually speak any French, but I can understand it a little, at least if it is in writing.)

This is one of the funniest sf stories I've read so far this year. Somwhow it made me think about PC. Cat Pictures Please by Naomi Kritzer

Oh Crocus. I keep meaning to ask you have you read Wake by Robert J Sawyer? About a blind girl given an optical implant who accesses the internet through the implant. Its part of a trilogy a bit clunky in parts but a good read.
Forgot to add she meets an emerging internet intelligence.

I think that sounds like what the second described was supposed to happen after I had snapped at her about it. It doesn't do that for me, but I don't have those same concerns (in that my freakedness is not something that really bothers me) so maybe that explains why it is more dismissive than reassuring to me. And it pissed me off to no end that the therapists had not been paying attention to what I told them and thought their doing that would be useful rather than infuriating.