Yesterday i was searching and found this site on recovered memories with peoples letters on how it happened to them. Each one talked about how they had memories of abuse that werent real. I wonder if thats me. Isnt it entirely possible I made this up. Is it the talking about things that arent true that is making me crazy and emotional (the same things that happened to these ppl on the site)? Turmoil inside. I wonder if quitting therapy for a while would help. I've made a decision to be normal. No more talking about dissociation, PTSD, any thing.. i just want to be normal. Maybe its cuz i am giving it so much attention that i feel bad. I don't know. its just i feel like others dont believe me or care and I dont know if i do anymore either. Therapy breaks maybe can make me stop reacting to life and just live in it maybe. Distraught today :/

[purplemoon]

(((Esthersvirtue))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I had this conversation with T. We talk rather he talks about talking about the memories - I so wanted them not to be real, maybe I am confused or wrong. But sadly no - they are real. I keep thinking about quitting therapy because I don't want these problems or issues or feelings, but they will keep coming up. They did before and I went to therapy for a little bit - childhood and memories etc were off limits, just tell me how to handle the following symtoms and I will be fine. I put them away for several years, but they are back and the symtoms are back and also everything I have done the last few years have been based on what has happened in the past. I couldn't beleive it when a year ago I realized althought circumstances and people were different I was in the exact same place I was 12 years prior. It is hard. Hang in there. If you want to chat more let me know.

[lenjan]

I think we all go through that at some point. T told me people don't make up that kind of stuff, and if you have memories of it happening, it happened.

Don't give up yet. I know it's hard, but it's worth it to be able to heal some.

(((((((((((EV)))))))))

hello EV, my experience has been that my mind has out of fear of maybe not having suffered enought to warrant T, tried to create events. Because I had no feelings consious I did not believe myself. My mind tried to fill in the gaps with pictures.

I've found that some of the pictures in my mind weren't exactly as my mind has created but when I finally hit on the feelings to events that did happen, it was awful and it no longer mattered who believed me or not because my feelings were the evidence that I had suffered truama in some instance.

I keep forgetting that because I'm an adult now and can think about things easier and more logical, as a child I couldnt do any of this. What may not seem so vital now was to a child.

Just talk about the memorys be they perfect memorys or just metaphors for what you suffered. Its the feelings that hold the true memorys.

Once they kick in the pictures take a back seat, once you've felt your feelings, the true ones, not the ones we try and guess with, you will know your truth, no matter what that truth is.

Allow yourself its own way of coping. If it has to try and work things out first mentally and that may not always be 100% spot on, know that your feelings will eventually correct any errors.

Trying to mentally remember is a ploy to avoid the real feelings, kinda like if I create something awful then it won't be half as bad as what may have actually happened. Believe me our own trauma's are bad enought.

Be gentle with yourelf and just let yourself unravel in your own time, so what if some of what you thought isn't correct, its covering for the real stuff!

You sound very much like me. I would very much like to talk with you sometimes. Thanks for the reply.

Thats what I've heard too, but to hear it form people themselves who say they did make up memories somethow. Its frightening.

i can see the logic in that, mouse. The only issue i have is that im getting worse and worse, not better through them (memories). I'm deteroratign to where i feel like i can do my work. So if theres a possiblility of it not being real and what if that made me feel better... I dont know. Im confused

I can't explain the logic. Its hard to put into words. I guess no matter how bad the real feelings are, they're dont feel as bad as the picture memorys, even though the feelings are awful. But somehow we do everything possible to avoid the real feelings, or we try and prepare ourselfs for the real feelings by constantly trying to remember what happened hoping to get there before we actually get there. No matter how bad I have felt as I've felt the real emotions, I'd rather the real pain then the self inflicted pain I used to avoid the real stuff. Its actually worse having memories without the feelings. They grow they distort they terrify us and yes most of them are proberbly true but once felt they become containable. I'm not sure I'm making sense here.

Just talk about your memorys and don't worry about whether they are real or made up, something is there and you will find out eventually and then it will all make sense, once you've got the key to the door you will not have to fumble around in the dark wondering whats there and whats not there that is worse then the actuality, the actuality is ours. We have to own all of ourselfs the good and the bad to be alive and to love who we are.