[lauren_helene]

I could not wait to get on the computer tonight and tell how my session went. So many profound moments!

First, my T really did see exactly what I had hoped regarding my brother and my family during our last visit. That all this family craziness that I have been talking about week after week after week was confirmed for him.

Our family dysfunction is so great that I often wondered if he thought I was exaggerating. He never indicated that to me but he would say 'I've never heard of anything like this' a few times. Like when my dad said he would testify for my husband if we ever split. This really hurt me. I have accomplished a lot in my life although it has been a slow ride.

It doesn't matter my family will always blame me and it is because they might love me but don't like me. Everything they bring up about me is always from years ago and honestly, not relevant. I didn't hurt them, they hurt me. I have loved them and I'm always there for them. They are not there for me.

Whose been hurt here is what I often shake my head and wonder.

Anyway, I was telling my T that after my brother and I left last week's session and he basically blamed me for everything wrong with the world, that I felt so lost and alone. I recalled some of the physical and emotional abuse from my mother who my brother swears 'loves me and I'm just being mean to her'...how he thinks that all that I feel regarding my dad, mom and himself is IN MY HEAD.

I could feel myself spiraling during today' session and somehow we got into talking about my former boyfriend and the sexual abuse he put me through just flashed in my head. It scared me and I was trying to not let my T see this. I was starting to feel nauseated and had to lean forward a little bit until my stomach settled.

I then told T that I really feel like I don't have anyone at all and started worrying about if I'm not around someday what will happen with my son? Will he be as happy as I want for him if I'm not there to make sure of it? What will he be told about me? I really spiraled at that point.

Then T said something he hasn't before "You have me, I'm here for you"...and he said it so genuinely and this may sound dramatic but I feel like it pulled me out of the darkness.

Then it was starting to happen: The tears were starting to roll and I almost lost it completely. Seriously, his saying this meant so much to me and at the same time I was feeling a loss like I was mourning something. Perhaps my realization that I don't have my family behind me. I never did and I never will. I just need to accept them as they are and not look for what they can't give me emotionally. I did manage to convey to T that I feel like he is there for me.

I could feel myself trying to control my emotions even though I know I don't have to do that with my T. I was so afraid of losing it that I just stayed quiet, looked out the window etc. He sensed this and asked me how work was going. (giggle)

He always knows just what to do and say We are so much more connected now and I am so happy about that. I can feel so many emotions that I haven't in the past.

I feel like he genuinely does care about me and is there for me. I am feeling such a trusting bond with him that I can be myself for the first time. Maybe I'm not so bad after all?

You all can't see me but I'm crying again.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! sorry. i'm actually a bit manic tonight.

this is wonderful! i remember all the anxiety you had about your relationship a couple of months ago regarding the connection and all that... and now you have found it. (the connection, that is... not the anxiety).

isn't that great when our t's back up about something that no one else does? i feel like that with my family, too. i don't get a whole lot of support in regards to my dysfunctional family. when t backs me up and validates how i feel, that's really all i need.

you cried! i had the classic "eyes fill with water, but never actually spill over" moment. i swear, one of these days the tears will come out. how did it feel crying in front of him?

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! sorry. i'm actually a bit manic tonight.

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I'm feeling a bit manic myself or is it on top of the world?

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pinksoil said:
this is wonderful! i remember all the anxiety you had about your relationship a couple of months ago regarding the connection and all that... and now you have found it.

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I know I was in so much pain not long ago. I really thought I wasn't cut out for this process and not deserving of his validation. I had major anxiety...major.

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pinksoil said:
isn't that great when our t's back up about something that no one else does? i feel like that with my family, too. i don't get a whole lot of support in regards to my dysfunctional family. when t backs me up and validates how i feel, that's really all i need.

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Oh yes. I know he isn't implying that I'm perfect but to hear him validate for me that I am not the bad girl I was told over and over that I am by my family. I don't deserve this treatment from them. What have I done to be so not accepted my own family?

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pinksoil said:
you cried! i had the classic "eyes fill with water, but never actually spill over" moment. i swear, one of these days the tears will come out. how did it feel crying in front of him?

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I had no idea that this would happen tonight. At first, I was so upset that I didn't think about it but when the tears fell over a bit I realize what was happening. It felt normal is the best way to describe it. For the first time.

thanks Pink, for the encouragement.

it felt normal. what a beautiful way to describe it. when my eyes were watering this evening, i saw t glance at the tissue box, so that's when i straightened myself out and stopped, lol. not ready to go there yet. that's wonderful that you have found that trust in t. why is it that i was comfortable enough to let my unconscious take over on the couch, yet i cannot cry in front of him? is it because the latter involves snot?

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
why is it that i was comfortable enough to let my unconscious take over on the couch, yet i cannot cry in front of him? is it because the latter involves snot?

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You might be on to something here. Crying is certainly unattractive at times. I think also it is because once we start we may never stop? and then we fear they will say 'okay we need to end'...?

I would literally die

Almeda, I have to admit that even I cried reading your post.

To have that connection with someone... just awesome. You have a great T! I'm really glad there is a 'rock' there for you. Hold on to that feeling & good wishes to you.

i felt tears welling up in reading it, too. i feel kinda the same. my family aren't there for me. aren't behind me. don't really care about me at all. they say they do at times but then they keep hurting me and over-riding me and abandoning me all over and so on with their actions. have to face the issue that i need to just accept them as they are and not expect more or something. feel really alone sometimes. i'm glad your t was able to say something to help comfort you. hard huh. grief. grieving for what was. i'm not sure what to do at moments like that either. i'm kinda grateful when he changes the subject after i've felt it a bit.

fragmentation. fear of fragmentation, i guess. i worry that the emotion will take over and that i'll be inconsolable. that that will be distressing for him. worry that i'll break apart. that that will be immensely painful. that i'll disgust him. that he will be repulsed by me. all kinds of stuff. i do cry but it is a fairly controlled crying. no snot. no sobbing. just tears rolling dowm my face and i'll just wipe them on the back of my hand. no tissue. that would be acknowledging tha ti'm actually crying. that ain't gonna happen.

ugh.

i'm glad you had a good session.

[sunrise]

almedafan, I'm so happy for you!

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almeda24fan said:
First, my T really did see exactly what I had hoped regarding my brother and my family... Our family dysfunction is so great that I often wondered if he thought I was exaggerating.

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I can really relate to this as my T said once to me after he had started seeing my husband with me in couples that now he had a snapshot of our relationship and that a picture was worth a thousand words (which I had surely given to him already in individual). Now he really "gets" us.

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almeda24fan said:Then T said something he hasn't before "You have me, I'm here for you"...and he said it so genuinely and this may sound dramatic but I feel like it pulled me out of the darkness.

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almeda24fan said:Maybe I'm not so bad after all?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, you are not so bad after all. What a peak session to have this realization. And all the rest. (((hugs)))

[purplemoon]

Alamedafan - what a beautiful session. I never never cry - this brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful T!

[lauren_helene]

I'm so blown away by this whole experience I have never thought it possible to feel this connected to someone and it's healthy and about healing.

Thank you everyone for your support. I really believe that you all are also significant to my healing process. It is amazing how much we learn on this site from each other.

Group hug!