empty inside and thinking of quitting

i know i am depressed... but i honestly believe it's something endocrine related rather than bipolar. i've been down that road. Now, my GP did have a good point though... with all the struggles i am having and have had with H, the chronic pain and so on... anyone would feel down. He said the chronic pain alone could cause the fatigue i experience. Either way, i feel like dog poo.

So, i feel empty and tired, hopeless and uninterested in anything. That's the state of my thoughts.

But i am having serious doubts about therapy now. i gave him that letter i wrote (it's posted here a few pages back) and we had a very intense session. After his break away he was obviously trying to adapt to what i said i needed. Kudos to him for trying.

The discussion though eventually wandered to how he does things...i wanted to know what his definition or "working on" something meant. His answer have not left me feeling optimistic at all.

i am concerned that even with him trying to adapt to cover more of the feeling side, he's still too CBT for me. There have been instances during which he has changed his tone and expressed a gentleness that almost makes me cry. He has on occasion leaned closer to me to make an emotional point... and he once asked me to look directly at him (instead of the floor) so i could see in his eyes that he was sincere about what he was saying. THOSE are the things i want... i want to discuss the hard things, the times i had to hide my feelings or whatever, all the bad stuff... i want to talk about all of it but in that space of gentleness.

He isn't mean or cold... but most of the time he is in problem-solving mode and he just doesn't create that bubble of safety. He can do it, and he has done it. But it has been rare. Mostly it's my fault. i don't show the emotion, i don't cry even when i am screaming inside... so he doesn't react with tenderness. He will react when he sees it in me, but if i can't say and he can't see then we are at a stalemate (sp?).

so there... he is a very good therapist. He is very smart, funny and hard working. He has been a complete professional and has tried to take my suggestions into account. i just don't know... i so badly need that bubble of tenderness. i need to feel held emotionally... i don't want him to say "how did you feel?" i want him to say "you must feel very X"

i want him to reach into the places where i can't seem to reach out from. i am doubting that he can. i am really thinking his CBT saturated training overrides my needs.

i just don't know.

i know that a solid caring relationship takes time... but i don't have the luxury of time. There are a lot of crisis points in my life. i need to really feel that the relationship i need actually can be built with him. It doesn't have to be imediate, but i need to know now if it can be built at all. i can't spend more time finding out it isn't going to give me what i need to repair my soul.

and that's the deal for me. i could give a flying rat's *** about strategies really. i mean, no, they're a good thing and i will need to work some out because i know i have areas in which i am missing the boat... but that isn't what drove me into therapy. No. i want to sew up the holes in my heart and soul so i can stop leaking vital life blood all over the place. i want to make the fabric of me strong and not frayed or torn.

oh god. what am i going to do? i have been increasingly suicidal because i feel trapped by the recurrent crisis. i am losing all that has meaning for me... and no, thank you, i am not interested in the wonderful new meaning that could be waiting out there somewhere. i have spent years in mental bondage seeking out who i was. i found at least some of it and i refuse to have it just taken away.. i really would rather die.

i need this to feel like an anchor, a safe haven...something to hold onto. i need someone who can really look into my soul with me and help me see what i need to do.

Can he do that? Should i wait to find out? i don't want to be standing at the edge of a deep issue and discover he isn't the right guy to be there with me.

Gerber, I went through this not so long ago. My T is CBT but he has changed it up and I'm so glad that I have stuck this out.

The fact that he has had tender moments and even asked you to look at him tells me he's with you. A great connection could develop still.

Unless I'm missing something. I haven't read every post. Hang in there okay?

do you really think so? i would like to connect to him, i really do like him. Those few gentler times have felt so warm...then it's back to nothing.

i am going to keep talking to him about it. If i was going to leave i would ask him to refer me to someone with a different orientation anyway.

> i need someone who can really look into my soul with me and help me see what i need to do.

A powerful, well articulated post, all of it. Do you think you could print it out and (gasp!) give it to T?

Gerber,

I don't know if I am interpreting this right - but here is what I think -

Alot of times during crisis problem solving and getting stable is what needs to be done first. I know that my T did that a long time for me. Now that things are stable we are moving into the emotional part. From what you write I see him trying to make that connection and maybe once things are stable you can move into the underlying problems. I remember my T telling me that I wasn't well enough to to do that when I was in crisis. It's not that they don't care - they care so much and they don't want to push you over the edge. Looking back it would have sent me over the edge. When I look back now - I see that he was helping straighten things out and setting healthy coping mechanisms in place because that is what I needed before getting to the hard work. I think that now matter what style a T prefers - they all change things and pull from different areas as to what the client needs. I have no idea what my T uses with me and I really can't figure it out. I also think a responsible T would tell you if they aren't able to help you - I think they look at the big picture and decide what you are going to need and if it is out of their skill set they would tell you right away. You could ask the T point blank - this is what I want and this is what I see you giving me - is there a reason - Take care.

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gerber said:
i need this to feel like an anchor, a safe haven...something to hold onto. i need someone who can really look into my soul with me and help me see what i need to do.

Can he do that? Should i wait to find out?

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gerber, you seem to have a good sense of what you need and want from therapy. That puts you ahead of so many of us when we first start with a new T. Your T would probably welcome that you are so clearheaded on what you need from him to heal, so I recommend sharing these thoughts with him. Then he can tell you right up front if it is within his abilities to give you what you want/need. I find it instructive sometimes to browse through local websites where psychotherapists list their services. I'm not saying this is a good way to find a therapist, but reading how they describe themselves has helped me understand more what resonates with me in therapy and what doesn't. I can quickly flip through the descriptions and know who might work for me and who would not. For me, I guess I'm a bit alternative and like psychotherapists who talk a lot about "healing." I see that as a prime thing I need and that a subset of psychotherapists see as their mission. The ones who are not into being healers do not talk about healing in their blurbs and probably would not talk about healing in your first meeting with them. Whereas the healers would talk about this. I think you may even know already in your heart if this T can help you or not. Can you talk to him about this?

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i know that a solid caring relationship takes time... but i don't have the luxury of time. There are a lot of crisis points in my life. i need to really feel that the relationship i need actually can be built with him. It doesn't have to be imediate, but i need to know now if it can be built at all.

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I understand about needing help NOW. I think when you find the right T, your progress will be amazingly fast because you are so ready to heal. I was lucky to find my current T. He has described our progress in therapy as "meteoric." I was ready to heal and offered very little resistance and was willing to take the lead in our sessions in choosing the path to healing for me. We had very few sessions where I didn't make huge progress. When you are ready, you are ready. Your post sounds like you are ready. Please talk to your T about whether he is able to be your guide or not. I hope his answer is yes.

(Just a side note: Insurance companies tend to favor providers who are CBT, so if you do need to look for another T , you may find yourself having to go outside of your insurance provider network to find someone with the therapy orientation you seek.)

What is this strange word you use. Inn-SUr-ance? i don't have insurance that covers T at all so he could be into making ballon animals and no one would care but me... and that might actually be fun. Sorry.. i am a little giddy tonight, i just worked a half shift but i was run ragged.

i do feel ready, but i also know i have some pretty powerful resistence in certain areas. i have been honest about that. i have written him many letters, for a long time i did it once a week, and all of them are written in the same way as the original post of this thread... with honesty.

in my heart... *sigh... my heart is beaten bloody and confused about everything, with good reason. It is hard to know what is in my heart... but that is a direct reflection of my life right now. And i know that my concerns about my T are also linked to life issues... but where that ends and genuine concern over what is right for me... who knows?

i have started talking to him about this, and i intend to have Monday's session be mostly about this..as long as the current crisis doesn't swallow the whole thing again.

Thank you Pachyderm. i am a little gun shy about giving him anything written right now after that last letter. Not exactly because of his rxn, but in part because the whole thing caused an avalanche for me and i was pushed too far outside my zone too quickly. i still write to him i just never give it to him.

purplemoon... you are very right, and he said some of what you are saying.. that i have been in crisis so much that we could do little else. And once he said that i knew he was right about it. But what concerns me is how he operates after that point. i am worried he will still be too linear for me. When trying to deliberately talk more abuot feelings as per my request, he seemed like a guy in new shoes... kind of off balance. It makes me worry. OTOH, he has shown the gentleness i am seeking.. at times when it was in the moment.

i guess the problem may be with me. That would make sense as i am the problem generally anyway. i don't cry when i feel pain, or sometimes i don't even feel pain when pain should be there. Inside my walls i may be screaming but i will seem perfectly ok. i think he could connect and react really well if i were openly emotional with him... but i am not. i don't know how. So, we are both stuck.

He did actually wonder outloud about whether he could meet my needs given his training... which backfired because i heard "go away, go someplace else." Then he had to spend a lot of time reassuring me that wasn' the case. So he did consider it, and he decided he saw no reason why he couldn't adapt to what i wanted.

There aren't any webpages where the T's here talk about themselves.. that's just it. There's the yellowpages and the provincial assoc site.. not much else. Only a few have websites.

i don't know... i am figuring it's just me being defective as usual. Maybe any T would find me as difficult and i would not be able to connect.