[granite1]

i have a session in a few hours today and im worried. things have been so different and i feel so detached and angry at my T .not that im big on being so attached to her anyway but i dont want her to hate me either. last session she asked me how she can help me . to me that is the kiss of death. saying she has no way of helping me . she pushed me all session to come up with something to work on in therapy . something that will help me not be so miserable . i have tried all week to work on this so i could have something to give her today so she sees that i am serious about working in therapy but i couldnt .i never sat down and did it because nothing that came into my head seemed good enough. nothing that would make her want to keep working with me . all i come up with is maybe im not helpable . i am so resistant and i dont know why . she has never done anything to hurt me physically and anything that has hurt my feelings she has said was not intentional. im terrified if i dont disown my family she has come to her wits end with me and will no longer want to work with me . why must i do this . if i even try to talk to her about my parents always her response is to get them out of my life. i cant do that . i know they have made mistakes but so have i . unforgivable mistakes. my parents have a right to be like they are to me . i put all of them through hell. im not saying they were perfect but i really was a hell child and i truly believe any parent would have lost it when dealing with who i am . anyway my T wont listen to this stuff so what do i talk to her about .

I'd just tell her the process you've gone through this week to try to answer her question. Explain your fears about her leaving you. You need to get this out of your head and into hers so you can communicate with each other. If you leave it just spinning in your mind, it doesn't help either one of you. You can do this, Granite.

[velcro003]

I agree. Just start with "I am afraid I am unhelpable," and see where it goes. When I am afraid of that sort of thing, my T reminds me that she is extremely persistent and stubborn, and she won't give up on me.

[granite1]

hey chris i dont know how to use words that she will listen to . i want help i really do.i hate how i have been lately.she has noticed also . when she brought up talking about my farther i tried to tell her how hard it was because we disagree so much about my parents . i try to tell her how horrible (I) was to him but i dont remember her ever just letting me talk to her about it without her jumping on the you were just a kid band wagon . this is not the case. and i dont think i will ever be able to heal from this without her ever seeing or understanding my part in any of this . i was horrible right from the beginning and that didnt help. i was overwhelming for the mother . how can i talk about the relationship with my parents when it is so painful and my T argues with me

[granite1]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I agree. Just start with "I am afraid I am unhelpable," and see where it goes. When I am afraid of that sort of thing, my T reminds me that she is extremely persistent and stubborn, and she won't give up on me.

you T sounds great .im scared she will get angry with me . im not good at talking about this stuff i avoid it like the plague. i want to talk about my family if she could just listen and understand me

[velcro003]

But yours has never actually gotten angry at you. Try to remember that. Whenever you think she has, you've gone back and found out she wasn't.

Maybe you can say "I want to talk about my family, but please respect that I can't just cut them out of my life right now." I think your T is just worried for you because your family is still hurting you.

Have you ever considered rephrasing how you state these things? You say things like you were horrible and you caused the problems in your home. She's right that you were a child and the responsibility and blame lies with the adults in the household; she's not (and shouldn't) change that stance. However, would it be within the realm of possibility for you to say, "My parents became overwhelmed and abused me emotionally and physically because they didn't know how to parent me properly. My behavioral and emotional problems were a challenge, a huge challenge, but my parents failed to provide a struggling, angry, emotional me with the love and support and nurturing that ANY child, including myself, deserved." It is a statement that acknowledges your struggles and difficulties as a child but is also does NOT let your parents off the hook for their failure to parent with love and support and acceptance.

[granite1]

i agree that i do still get very hurt by them. my T calls it being triggered. but im not so sure it isnt because i am super sensitive to anything they say like the same i react to my T . my T doesn't agree . can i just be a stubborn child for a bit and stomp my feet and just wish she would agree with me just once to make things a bit more manageable

[velcro003]

Sorry, no my T adamantly disagrees with me when I tell her that I am NOT depressed, this is just who I am. Your T is right, you are getting triggered by them because nothing has been resolved; you in your mind are still that terrified child that is waiting to be told how horrific they are. It isn't true, but I understand how impossible it feels to believe otherwise.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by granite1

i have a session in a few hours today and im worried. things have been so different and i feel so detached and angry at my T .not that im big on being so attached to her anyway but i dont want her to hate me either. last session she asked me how she can help me . to me that is the kiss of death. saying she has no way of helping me . she pushed me all session to come up with something to work on in therapy . something that will help me not be so miserable . i have tried all week to work on this so i could have something to give her today so she sees that i am serious about working in therapy but i couldnt .i never sat down and did it because nothing that came into my head seemed good enough. nothing that would make her want to keep working with me . all i come up with is maybe im not helpable . i am so resistant and i dont know why . she has never done anything to hurt me physically and anything that has hurt my feelings she has said was not intentional. im terrified if i dont disown my family she has come to her wits end with me and will no longer want to work with me . why must i do this . if i even try to talk to her about my parents always her response is to get them out of my life. i cant do that . i know they have made mistakes but so have i . unforgivable mistakes. my parents have a right to be like they are to me . i put all of them through hell. im not saying they were perfect but i really was a hell child and i truly believe any parent would have lost it when dealing with who i am . anyway my T wont listen to this stuff so what do i talk to her about .

Granite, you said, "last session she asked me how she can help me. to me that is the kiss of death. saying she has no way of helping me." To me, it doesn't sound like she is saying she has no way of helping you. She is asking HOW she can help you. In other words, WHAT could she do that would be helpful to you? What would that help look like or sound like? Can you be specific in your answer?

[granite1]

im off in a few and will take everything you all have said to mind . i have taken some Xanax to keep me calm and reasonable. i hope i can get something done and help her understand how im seeing things

[kecanoe]

How did it go, Granite?

[rainbow8]

Thinking of you, granite!

[velcro003]

please let us know. hope you are ok.

[Waterbear]

Wishing you well and hoping you managed to get something out of your session.

[BonnieJean]

Granite. Hope you're ok.

[granite1]

i love you guys. im doing ok . i did start to talk to my T about talking about things and how we disagree about how i look at things . she said just because we dont agree about something doesn't mean i cant talk about it with her. although she keeps asking me how it would be therapeutic for me to have her see things the way i do. to agree that i am horrible . i cant put words to answer this but is seems so important that she does. i told her again how hard it is for me to talk about this stuff. it hurts and im scared . i told her i have a hard time figuring out how to talk about it. she said you just start talking about it um really like i know how to do that .

Hey, you are much better at it now than you were a few years ago, Granite. Give yourself some credit. You've come a LONG way. Your first obstacle was just being able to speak. Now that you can speak, your new obstacle is that you now really know you can speak about what is on your mind, but the idea verbalizing the truth about your life is scary. This is the next stage in the hard work of your therapy. You can do it.

[granite1]

that is true i did sit there for 3 years and basically didnt say a word to her. i couldnt .i guess there is that much trust

Atta girl!

[stopdog]

I loved this book.
And sometimes I have found this idea to help.

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”"

-Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I loved this book.
And sometimes I have found this idea to help.

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”"

-Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Thanks, Stopdog! I have that book but haven't read it yet. I guess it's time to do so...

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I loved this book.
And sometimes I have found this idea to help.

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”"

-Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

I love Anne Lamott- thanks for this.

[velcro003]

Wow, great quote SD, and SO true for anything that feels overwhelming. I may need to write that quote down.

Granite: you HAVE come a long way. Keep chipping at it. <3