[SoConfused623]

It's really interesting to read about everyone's experiences with their therapists on here. However, I really feel like I'm getting short changed based on all of the extra stuff that most of you get. For instance, my therapist has HUGE boundaries. There is absolutely no discussion about her. She makes it so uncomfortable for me if I ask a question about her that I don't even bother any more.

There is absolutely no texting or emailing between visits. She won't even give me her email address or cell number. If I really needed her, I could leave a phone message and the one time I needed her she did call back and we spoke for about 2 minutes, but I felt better afterwards.

And today, I'm reading how some of you have your therapist hold your hand or you get hugs....I get NONE of that. I was trying to recall if my therapist even shook my hand when I met her. I really don't think that she even stood up, so I doubt it.

Lastly, and most importantly to me, is that my therapist does NOT ever say anything nice or give a compliment or anything like that. She smiles a LOT, nods her head enthusiastically and makes quite an empathetic face, but will not verbalize anything comforting or congratulatory.

Despite all of these things, I still think that my therapist is pretty good and has been helpful. I can talk to her about ANYTHING which is nice. She is very professional and by the book. She's late 50s and has a LOT of experience. I've been seeing her for about 18 months.

Is there anyone else who has a therapist like mine?

[stopdog]

If you don't want those things and it is working for you, then what difference does it make? If you do want those other things enough, then one could always interview some new ones and find one who does.
None of those guys are perfect.
I interviewed over 30 some odd of them and stuck with the two I found least objectionable.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by stopdog

If you don't want those things and it is working for you, then what difference does it make? If you do want those other things enough, then one could always interview some new ones and find one who does.
None of those guys are perfect.
I interviewed over 30 some odd of them and stuck with the two I found least objectionable.

I was probably not clear....I definitely want those things! A hug would be awesome, I want to know more about her and I think that it's crazy that I can't email her! However, I think that the most important thing is that I can talk to her about anything and that is why I don't look for someone else.

[stopdog]

The second one I see does not email as far as I know. I actually prefer sending regular mail if I want to write either of them unless for scheduling with the first. I think email can create a great deal of trouble for people - it seems to allow for a sense of expectation in response that is often unrealistic.

I guess I would either interview some others to see if I found someone who worked more in a way I wanted or I would decide the one I had was okay enough to continue dealing with for the time being. I am a big fan of interviewing new ones.

[wheeler]

As hard as it may be, you should probably talk to her about this.

[bounceback]

My last therapist I had for 7 years was a lot like this. She didn't like it when I would ask her questions about herself and would turn it back on me like why did I want to know etc. I could call the office if I was in crisis but I never knew when she would call back. Usually she would recommend calling the crisis line or go to the emergency room. I didn't have her email or cell phone number. We didn't text. We did hug after every session but it was basically just a quick hug nothing super comforting except maybe once or twice. I did get to know a lot about her by working with her for 7 years. She slowly revealed stuff as it pertained to our sessions and I also googled her a ton on the internet and found out quite a bit. Despite the fact I really liked her and could talk to her about anything also.

[retro_chic]

My T is pretty similar to this. I have her email and mobile number but that is just for scheduling purposes. I have never asked my T anything about herself but I do know quite a lot from my extensive Facebook searching. I doubt my T would give me a hug but I do want one. I'm planning on talking to her about this at my next session so I'll let you know how it goes.

What type of T do you see? I see a psychodynamic therapist so I think the firm boundaries are part of that. In a way it's good because I know what to expect and she can't suddenly take anything away from me (I've read quite a few stories here about Ts doing that). It does make me sad though.

[kecanoe]

T3 is like yours. No email, no text, I could call nd leave a message and she would probably call back when she d no clients. But be the next day. No physical contact, except she has placed her shoe right up against mine when I could not ground myself. I know very little about her personal life. I know she has brothers. I know she has worked at an inpatient place. Her diplomas are on the wall, so I could know where she went to school. That is all.
T2 tells me a little more about her life, but no email or text. I can call the office if needed after hours and talk to one of the therapists in the practice, so I might get her. No physical contact at all. I've been seeing her for 5 years. I definitely did not know much about her for the first couple of years

I've learned not to base what happens in my therapy on what happens with other people on this site. Sure, lots of people get hugs, out of office sessions, and other extra goodies sprinkled around. It doesn't mean that the therapist is less competent if she doesn't do those things, it just simply means she's different and upholds boundaries appropriately. I can certainly empathize with how you feel, but I ultimately think the "special treatment" members on PC here receive from their therapists is far from the "norm." Yes, it's a case by case basis, but it certainly shouldn't be expected. I've read many where therapists will tell their clients that they "love" them, and while that might be okay for platonic/non-ET or personality disordered clients, it definitely is a word that shouldn't be taken lightly and said just to validate a client's experience. Love takes a while to form, sometimes even years, and shouldn't just be thrown around casually. Sure, therapists can tell their clients that they love them, but I don't see much value in it. We need to learn to love ourselves and be open to loving and receiving love from people in our actual lives. Therapy is a great place to practice that, but I think it could just set the client up for disappointment, especially if they have attachment issues. It's just not a good idea, and better to be safe than sorry.

Therapy has gotten easier for me (with either therapist I'm seeing) when I stopped trying to compare my experience in there with someone else's. Nevertheless, you can certainly open up a dialogue about this with your therapist if you feel it might help. I know we all want to feel important and validated, and therapy can open us up to be incredibly vulnerable. It's only natural you would feel this way, and maybe sharing these thoughts you have with her might lead to a really great discussion. Summation: Everyone's experience is different, every client is different, and every therapist is different. There is no one way to do things, but that doesn't mean it's appropriate, either.

[nicoleflynn]

I am on facebook with my t.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I am on facebook with my t.

I was frustrated by not knowing anything about my therapist and found her on FB and learned a bunch. I ended up telling her this and she was so mad! I told her that I'm sure that I wasn't the first one to google her...

[Argonautomobile]

What Winenot said, 1000 times over. Good post.

OP, my T is like yours---no out-of-session contact, no touch, no compliments, no self-disclosure. It has (and still does) work very well for me. Some of those things would feel nice to have (compliments) others I would NOT be okay with ever (touch). But even though I'm happy with my T, I know what it's like to get on the site, read other people's experiences, and begin to doubt. I'd ask--Should I have a closer connection? Is my T no good because he doesn't offer that? Do I even WANT a closer connection? Is something wrong with me if I don't?

I think, much like comparing cars or shoes or life, there's not much sense in comparing therapy experiences. Sure, it can be interesting to read about different experiences, and it's always good to know what else is out there, but when assessing what works, use your own standards, not others'.

If you like sexy shoes, get sexy shoes. It doesn't matter if other people prefer comfortable loafers to red spike heels.

If you want a car that gets you from A to B--have at it. Let other people have their BMW's.

If you want something out of your therapy that you aren't getting, talk to your T.

Good luck.

[MobiusPsyche]

I'd love to get a hug from my t. We've talked about touch and she has firm boundaries in that regard so I'm okay with it. If I thought that my t hugged her other clients, and then my t wouldn't hug me, that would be a huge issue!

But knowing that some other t hugs their clients? Everyone is different. Being on this site is what encouraged me to bring it up to my T directly and I'm glad I did. It feels more resolved now.

Of course I still have that longing to be held, but I can understand why she doesn't do it and I know it's better to get that from people in real life. And I am not a naturally huggy person, I don't go around giving and receiving hugs with everyone, so when I think about it that way I can see it would make the therapist-client relationship even more fraught and emotional than it already is. (and its pretty darn emotional!)

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I was frustrated by not knowing anything about my therapist and found her on FB and learned a bunch. I ended up telling her this and she was so mad! I told her that I'm sure that I wasn't the first one to google her...

yeah, i'm sure other clients have googled her too. most people do this. but, she obviously has boundaries and doesn't feel comfortable sharing personal information with you. she probably felt creeped out by it and possibly "betrayed" by you, even though it's technically her fault for making everything public. (you also have to understand that older generations, 40 yrs old and up, tend to be very poor with technology and probably don't even realize when they make things public on facebook. so, if she's in that age group, it was possibly a mistake or a misunderstanding of the technology.)

i'm not defending her btw. i'm just trying to explain why she got mad. i think the anger she displayed is mostly frustration at her mistake... but like i said, she's probably also disappointed in you. i mean, how would you feel if i looked up your name on whitepages.com and said, "hi Billy Bob. i found out that you live on ABC street in Redondo Beach, California and your phone number is 123-4567. i saw that your mom's name is Jane Bob. i looked her up on facebook and found out that your parents are getting divorced. oh and i didn't know your mom's favorite food is pizza. it's mine too!" you'd be like "WTF?"

i'm not hating on you. i'm just trying to put things in perspective. telling someone you looked up personal information about them will make them feel creeped out, even though i'm pretty sure 99% of us do this already. (it's just a social no-no.)

anyway, if i were you, i would find a new therapist. my current therapist freely shares his personal information with me. he's pretty cool. he's also 33, so he's fairly young.

best of luck

[stopdog]

People look up their therapists all the time. Her anger at you is misplaced. If it is public information, then it is fair game.

And not everyone over 40 is unable to handle the internet or technology. Most of us, in my experience, are just as capable as anyone else.

I have to agree with SD's comment about people over the age of 40. In fact, most of us are very technologically proficient -- more than proficient in many cases.

My T is excellent, but we don't email or text. I don't have his cell-phone number. I prefer it that way; I personally think it makes for healthy, professional boundaries. We touch, but rarely. It isn't something that is that important to me, and it is a careful, boundary for him I think, although I don't think he is worried about it with me in any way. He is very open with me; he is definitely not a blank-slate kind of T, but I wouldn't see that kind of therapist -- it wouldn't work for me. My T is genuine with me which means he is very straight with me. If he wants to compliment me on something, he does; but if he feels he needs to confront me with something that will be difficult to hear, he does that too.

If your therapy is working for you, don't play the comparison game. Be glad you have a good working relationship with your therapist. Talk to your therapist about these issues if they are concerns.

[unaluna]

Yeah - who do ya think invented the technology?? Old people!

Speaking for myself only, after 30 years of t, i didnt even know a huggy t was an option. Then my t asked and hugged the client before me as he left - a 7 year old boy - and i was like, "okay! You dont discriminate on age or sex, right?" If i hadnt taken that leap... Fortunately it worked out okay. But it wasnt planned. Ultimately, It ie the success of the therapy was probably more about the leap.

[atisketatasket]

It really comes down to which do you want more, a therapist you know is effective or a therapist who is huggy and self-discloses? I would much rather the former myself.

I would also point out, not every therapy relationship that involves touch and outside contact is good for the client. Read some of the horror stories on here as well as the positive posts.

I have seen three therapists over the past year, and only one of them had really good boundaries (not quite as rigid as your therapist's, but close). And she is by far not only my favorite of the three, but the most effective one - because I don't have to worry about her as a person, so to speak.

[Sofya Semyonovna]

My therapist is a like yours. She doesn't like when I ask questions about her, which I think is because sessions are supposed to be focused on the clients. She never gives out her email or allows texting because neither forms of communication can guarantee confidentiality. She also doesn't do physical contact, which I'm incredibly grateful for, because I feel that would be inappropriate, at least for me.

To be honest, I think 90% of therapists are like that. Those that provide more than that are probably rare, because there are some pretty valid confidentiality concerns and boundary concerns that can arise out of allowing email, physical contact, and texting. In any case, evidently there are therapists who offer such things, so you could always interview new ones. But I don't think you're being shortchanged because those things aren't common in therapy.

[kecanoe]

I think it is ridiculous for ts to get upset at being googled. If they don't want clients finding them on Facebook, they need to set their privacy settings. A

Potential Employers Google job applicants. And we do employ our ts.

[LonesomeTonight]

Neither my T nor my marriage counselor explicitly said "I offer outside contact" at the beginning. But MC has his e-mail on his business card, so I assumed it was OK to use to ask a question about an upcoming session. I only used it a couple times in the first year or so, then have used it more since, as he's seemed OK with it, and I explicitly asked him about it. Maybe 9 months ago, he returned one of my calls using his cell (I know, because I tried calling the number back after missing the call, and the voicemail was like, "This is MC's cell phone.") Maybe a few months after that, I texted him for the first time, and that seemed OK. And I've also called him on his cell a few times when I've been in a bad place. So it was a very gradual process, more like testing the waters, seeing it was OK, then walking in a little deeper.

Same with T. I don't recall her telling me about outside contact. I did leave messages on her office phone a few times in the first year or two, and she called me back. She doesn't have her e-mail on her card, but I had it from when she first e-mailed me back from responding to her profile on, I think the Psychology Today site. Maybe a year or two after I started seeing her, I e-mailed her at that address, and she responded. I gradually started e-mailing more and more, until I was basically e-mailing after every appointment and sometimes more than once a week (though she didn't usually respond). She mentioned in a session that she understood how e-mailing helped me understand and process things, and she had another client who did the same. So that confirmed that it was OK.

I knew her cell number after about a year because she called me on it, and was driving, so clearly it was her cell. I wasn't sure for a long time if it was OK to use it, because it's not like she officially gave it to me. Finally, I asked at one point, and she was like, "Don't call just to chat, but yes, you can use it." Since then, I've called and texted a few times.

So basically, some T's might be OK with outside contact, but not bring it up. Or they might be OK in a crisis situation. Or it might be after they get to know a client for a certain amount of time. Or they might just not use it at all. I think it depends so much on the T and, I imagine, sometimes it comes down to the individual client what's acceptable. And whether that client abused the privilege, like texting their T every hour or something like that.

[Merecat]

My experience is that the majority of Ts hold their boundaries pretty tightly - the way you (the OP) describe your T tends to be standard practice. If she generally work for you it may be worth thinking about why you want the other "goodies"? Is there something missing in your therapy that you feel hugs or between session contact might give you, is it about feeling cared for or special or perhaps, as you say, just feeling a bit like you're not getting enough for your money. All of those are ok reasons but it does sound like your T is competent, it's worth bearing in mind that for every person who talks about their T having looser boundaries and it being ok, there's someone else who has ended up overly dependent, enmeshed and in quite a painful place. It's not all good.

[Bipolarchic14]

Mine is similar but not quite as strict. I have never touched my t at all. Sometimes I crave that but as I become less attached to her the idea of her hugging me really creeps me out. No cell, no email but if I need to I can call her and leave a message. She shares things about her life with me. More so than is appropriate but it is not time consuming so it does not interrupt my session. I think therapists that have loose boundaries like allowing emails and texts foster dependency.

[Myrto]

Honestly before reading this forum I didn't know touch was even a part of a therapist's approach. There's also a cultural element: in my country touch in therapy is considered completely unethical and is hugely frowned upon. My therapist doesn't have as rigid boundaries as yours but she doesn't allow touch, doesn't tell me where she goes on vacation, doesn't wish me a merry Christmas, doesn't answer emails, etc. Sure, sometimes I read some stuff here and I get a bit envious. But there are also a lot of cases where I think it's too much and can't be healthy. Ultimately I'm happy with my therapist, I'd like her to share a bit more but oh well. I also think what you're reading here on the forum is not necessarily representative of what most T's do.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe you can make some compromises with your T? My ex-T used to touch my arm or leg when I cried. I wanted that from current T too, but she only touches when we hug at the end of session. Well she wasn't good at making an empathetic facial expression and she used to never give me tissues. So she worked on those two things instead to make me feel comfortable.

Another thing we compromised on was where she sits. She used to sit on the opposite corner of the area from me. I told her that she was too far away from me. So she moved to the seat across from me. Father away than I'd like, but closer than before.

Emailing isn't something she does with most of her clients. But she knew it was something I did with ex-T, so she allowed us to try it out. So far it has worked for the both of us.

So try asking and talking to your T about these things. You never know if she'd might be willing to compromise.

And btw, I Google'd and FB'ed my T. She knew I did because I told her about all the info I found on previous T. She doesn't ask what I know. I don't think she wants to know. The only thing she has said about the matter is that after we terminate, she doesn't want me searching for her anymore. She wants me to use my transitional objects to sooth myself and move on from her.