Does this poem convey what I want it to?

My old T used to talk about finding someone to work with Mr in a 'reparative way', someone who would be the 'good mother' that I never had who would help me come to terms with both what happened when I was younger and the fact that I didn't have what should have been, a happy childhood. She made me believe that it was OK to want to be cared for and about, nurtured and to learn and grow through a healthy attachment. I spent years burying my needs and hopes that this would ever happen but I lost my Mum late last year and, like a brick wall, it hit me that the need and hope had been there all along and now they were all at the surface again.

The new T I am working with has shown a lot of this to me in session but I still think it is wrong, dirty almost and that I should not have it, that no one would ever want to be with me in this way. There are a lot of voices in my head and I am finding it tough to figure out which ones to listen to. We have spoken a bit about the relationship between counsellor and client and how it is like the parent child relationship and she sent me a poem yesterday along with some words about the similarities (because I find it difficult to remember what is said sometimes).

The poem was about an embrace and, if I could believe that she was offering to be there for me in that way then I would be so happy because that is all I have ever wanted, to be held tightly, physically, emotionally and in all ways, to be able to show my true self to someone who wanted to be close to me. But she didn't express that this was what she meant, she just said she thought I would like it. Maybe she is scared of frightening me off by coming close or scared of rejection herself but my main thought is that she didn't realise the struggles that lie behind this for me and how I need her to expressly tell me, in plain English that the words were from her to me and that she is offering that to me. But if I tell her then I will more than likely i will make a fool of myself because she will tell me that she cannot be that for me.

I have written a poem back which I hope someone may read and be able to tell me whether it conveys my longings, fears and thoughts in a coherent and understandable way.

The words you sent in black and white
They can't be meant for me.
Just words you think you ought to say
To help me try to be.
The person who I should have been
But that's not me, you'll see.

If I could dream for just one thing,
I know what I would choose.
For someone just to hold me tight,
Without fear that I would lose.
If only I could hear your words,
And listen to your clues.

If the past has taught me anything,
It is to feel no hope,
For to dream is to risk, to risk is to fear,
And that fear becomes my rope.
The tool for self destruction that
Without I cannot cope.

There are reasons for my struggles,
I want to tell to you,
But I am flawed and if you come near,
Then you will be flawed too,
I expect that you will, in time,
Realise this, leave and sigh 'phew'

You say that you'll look out for me,
But what do you really mean.
I can't imagine that if you knew what I need,
That you would be so keen.
It's tough because I am terrified,
Of actually being seen.

How do I know that this is real,
Know that this will last,
How do I know that I can trust you,
With my future and my past.
How do I know that you won't leave,
Running, running fast.

I should not hope but I might trust,
In what I do not know.
Trust that if I let you close
Then parts of me might show.
Trust that if you really care,
Then parts of me might grow.

I know that this relationship,
Is limited, of course,
I will never have what should have been,
But can you be a source,
Of constant care and nurturing,
These are things you cannot force.

If it is true and if you can,
Then please will you just say,
That given time and trust and love,
Then you will be some day,
The good enough mother that I never had,
In a very different way.

I know this way of 'working' isn't for everyone but there are some here who believe that it is a viable method of therapy and it is to those that I am reaching out.

Thank you

I think your poem is beautiful and it conveys exactly what you want it to.

This is a beautiful poem Waterbear and I think you describe the feelings you want to convey clearly and expressively. I want to say your feelings are highly relatable and your emotional honesty is inspiring.
I use poetry a lot as part of my own therapy and I think it is very valuable for those for whom it helps. I also think you seem to be doing really good work in therapy which is amazing for such a new relationship (it took me well over a year before I began to express myself this deeply to my T). I'm sure your T will value this wonderful poem both for its beauty and its therapeutic potential.

Thanks Echo's, much appreciated. I just hope i can find the courage to show it to her! I was with previous T for six months and in some ways I see this new T as an extension of that in some way, though that has its own difficulties and has been something I have been trying to avoid but I can't seem to help it. It does have its benefits too though. I did a lot of looking to find a new T that was similar in many ways to old T though I can now see they are very different people and one will never be the other, but I think you are right, we are doing good work together.

Thank you Rainbow. Thank you.

Waterbear it's lovely, really moving, and the intention and request are clear to me.

Thank you RedSun, glad to hear people say the message is there. It is hard to see sometimes with my own writing.

Your poem is beautiful.

I think you are not alone in feeling like you want your therapist to be a sort of surrogate mother to you. You want to feel held and accepted by her as you did not get that from your own mother who has now passed.

Thank you. Absolutely, I have never wanted anything as much as I always wanted that and now do again. The question is, can and will it happen, should it happen etc etc. Rhetorical questions, but thankyou.

A beautiful poem Waterbear that beautifully conveys your feelings. Sadly I also know the pain of having had an emotionally neglectful and unloving mother ( now passed ) , but we can work to heal

Beautiful and clear. Thank you for sharing it ((HUGS))

I love the poem. I can really identify with the feelings that you expressed. I'd love to see the original poem - if you want to share it.

A romantic love relationship can be many things and satisfy that feeling you never got and long for. Do you remember the song "Sex" by Berlin?

I do understand what you are saying and I am married but my history gives me a whole set of other problems in that area, if that makes sense.

Waterbear it is lovely! I use poetry to tell my t things I have trouble saying otherwise also. The part where you said "it's tough because i am terrified of actually being seen" resonates with me soo much. One of the most meaningful moments in my therapy was one day I apologized to t for the way in which I had tried to explain something and I thanked her for not being hurt by it since I had not intended to sound hurtful and she replied "well Art, I see you." Emphasis on see. I said yes, you do.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

Thanks Artemis, thanks for sharing that too. For me It is the fear that once 'I' am seen, the other person will have no choice but to run for their life.

Do you mind if I ask why they would run? Is there a dark secret?

There are many secrets but mainly just a flawed individual who would poisen anyone who came close. Don't get me wrong not all of me thinks like this but those are the voices that are at the forefront when it comes to letting anyone close. I know where they come from and I know how they affect me in a destructive way and I know how to get rid of them but I can't do that alone. That is my catch 22. I need to let someone close to help me but that is what I need the help with. We will get there, just might take a while.

The negative voice in my head that tells me I am bad, worthless, etc... Is my mother's voice. She was/is so verbally abusive and plays such head games. I hear what you are saying. I am now just telling that voice to shut up. I think I am making good progress with self-help and peer counseling. I hope I am making good choices, my life is upside down right now.

As for you, I hope this therapist helps and I hope you can become closer to your spouse, too.

Thank you water bear! I have many of the same issues and I could never express them as you did! I felt like crying because you captured so eloquently what I could never verbalize. I always wanted mothering, nurturing, acceptance. I also would like to be held and understood without having to ask for it. Thank you for sharing

Thanks Tisha. It is a long hard road and we all have different ways of doing it, that is for sure. I am glad you have found a support network that seems to help and thank you for your words of support.

Thanks Baseline. I like to write but find if it is prose I can go on and on and never seem to get to the point. Poetry, for me, gives me the limits needed to get straight to it. Thank you for your kind words. Seems there are a lot of us around, I hope you can find something in your life that can go someway to filling that hole and learn to accept the hole that is left in peace and security. It sure is tough.

It's a beautiful poem Waterbear. Very moving. You have found a good way to express your feelings.

Do you want to share the poem your T sent you? I'd love to read that too.

A beautiful, beautiful poem, Waterbear. *wipes moist eyes*
I, too, long for my T to be the "good enough" parent...though she's only a couple of years older than me... I have many of the same fears of "being seen" (and also "beong heard"), that T would turn away from me.

This is a lovely poem WB - and its had quite an impact.

I found the poem a little triggering - much of it I related to, right up until the yearning. I just don't get that. Therapy has really (and recently) highlighted how I don't want relationships. At all. With anyone. And although I can now see how I experienced a different childhood to most, I certainly don't yearn for any kind of positive reparenting experience. I guess that is at least in part because I just can't picture what a positive parental experience would look / feel like.

Your poem, and the responses to it, highlighted again how different I am. Sometimes I get so resentful of my T - like he thinks i 'should' want lots of healthy relationships and 'should' be using T to encourage better and more of them. I just have no interest in that. Sure Id like to get a grip on my social anxiety and be able to function in the outside world better. But relationships? Nurturing? Mother / father figures? No thank you!

But after reading your poem I got all angsty. Why am I so different? Am I a psychopath? Is that why I just don't feel those feelings? Why I don't yearn? Why I don't feel the need for any other people in my life? I really don't want to be yearning for anything. It doesn't sound healthy, fun, or progressive to me at all.

But as the days since you posted have passed, I have realised something. When I have a hard day at work, or something bad has happened - thats the only time I yearn for another person. For comfort. I wish someone would comfort me. Thats the only time I ever wish I had someone else in my life. And then I realised that a major source of an ongoing rupture with T, was because I thought he had promised comfort when needed, but in the end provided none.

My mum suffers from a lack of empathy and problems controlling her temper. Comfort is something she just doesn't know how to give. So maybe, albeit on a lesser scale, I do yearn. Maybe I don't necessarily need a reparenting experience, but I do need to acknowledge that a lack of comfort - and seeking comfort - is a massive part of my psychie. Thats quite a big revelation for me. Not sure whether to curse you or thank you for that - but it sure was a good poem!