[Waterbear]

I didn't know what to call this thread but I need some help trying to find something. My T talked today about me having to become my own good mother, that she had attended a talk where this was discussed and that it struck her as the right way to achieve healing (my words). I know in reality that I do because she won't be there forever and no one else will do this for me but all I hear when those words are spoken is "you need to become your own good mother because you are so awful that there is no way on this earth that anyone else would want to get that close to you or help you out in that department. Even your birth mother didn't want to so you ate on your own with this one."

I plan on having this conversation on Thursday but I know I have read this somewhe and was hoping to try and find it. That Ts need to be careful when suggesting this to clients and that by becoming the good enough mother themselves they can help to get rid of this belief and show by example how it is done.

Anybody else ever read this anywhere and remember where to find it?

Thank you

[itjustis]

I haven't read this exactly but the way I interpret it is to look after and nurture your inner child, the child side of you that your parents didn't or couldn't fulfil for whatever reason. I'm learning how to do this.

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[Out There]

How do you feel about this Waterbear? I think I might be out of the door if a T said this to me , but do you feel it might be healing? When we have these type of mothers the things they say and do get written very deep into the psyches script , and its trying to find a way to rewrite that. I feel this can be a very individual thing and what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. I have not read either of these two books " Running on empty " and " It's not you - its your Mother " , but they seem to be helpful for people.

[Waterbear]

It was horrid hearing her saying it but it wasn't done so directly, nothing seems to be hence why I asked for that today, more directness. I told her I have been my own good mother for 20 years. It was all a bit throwaway to be honest and why we need to do more about this.

I am a completely different person at work and at home and that is because I created my work persona, it had a mother and that mother was me. I did an alright job there I think. I am successful, confident, positive, able to handle conflict (largely) I have a voice, I take action, I take compliments well etc etc

The problem is out of work where none of the above is true. It is like leading two separate lives and it is so tough. I don't even know who I am to be honest! The person I am out of work was created and brought up (if you can call it that) by someone else and that is what I need the help with. If I could do it on my own believe me I would have. I dislike asking for help so this is a big deal to me and to have it met with "you need to become your own good mother" is about one of the worst things I could hear. Why not just go back to the way it was because that is all I will ever have. All those things in the original post are loud and all I could hear.

We will discuss it and I will try to get her to tell me what is going on here.

[Waterbear]

Thanks for the suggestions on the books, I haven't read them so it isn't in there. I agree that different people will be helped by different things, definitely. For me it may be healing but in the future. I want to agree to trying both ways, simultaneously I think.

[stopdog]

The good enough mother was Donald Winnicott
Donald Winnicott

GOODENOUGH

and then others debate about it
http://www.drdansiegel.com/uploads/T...-therapist.pdf

There are others if you run a search for therapist as good enough mother or attachment theory
David Wallen talks about it (I think he is an *** - but he does talk about it)

[Waterbear]

Thanks. I will have a look. I was sure it was in "the emotionally absent mother" which is quite an read to be honest but when I had another skim today it didn't appear to be there. Thanks

[ruh roh]

Oh yes, this is a very cold way to put it. Mine has said something similar, only she didn't use the term mothering myself (knows I would hate that). She said no one rescued me when they should have and now no one can do that except for myself. I don't actually want rescuing, so it really stung, like she was accusing me of trying to get others to do things for me. I am very self sufficient and don't look for comfort or anything like that. Even though it's really cold, it's true. A therapist cannot effectively or honestly sustain that kind of role in a client's life (and neither can anyone else, when you get down to it). I just don't know why they have to be rude about it, especially if a client never even mentioned it as a need.

[Waterbear]

I agree it is surprising and hurtful to bring it up if you didn't. I agree with what you say about being rescued
After many years of doing it ourselves, being rescued can feel like undermining all our efforts. We have spoken about that too a few weeks ago and I said I don't want rescuing because that would mean my choice and control etc would be being taken away but that I am desperate to be found, always have been. I get that she can't do this forever and that, ultimately, we have to do it for ourselves, but would it hurt to be allowed to feel what it is like for a short while, for someone to show us how it is done until we are able to do it for ourselves?

[awkwardlyyours]

I might be in the minority here and my serious apologies if this sounds at all hurtful.

I actually would greatly trust a therapist who says that I need to do it for myself. This sort of came up recently with my T in talking about attachment in the context of the therapy "relationship" -- she said that I'd never had the opportunity to get really attached to anyone growing up (in the form and with the intensity of a child-parent connection) and so, I could attach to her.

Honestly, that pissed me off no end and I snapped back saying that I am an adult. The reason it pissed me off is that --
a. It seemed like she had no idea what the hell that really meant and what complexities it would bring up and,
b. Related to (a), that's offering some seriously false promises.

It's also come up in other ways where when I've been processing really painful emotions and said that I have an acute sense of loneliness in the midst of it and she responded saying that I'm not alone and that she's "there" with me. That's true technically (we're in the same room) but emotionally? That's just totally missing the point.

Not because I don't appreciate the sentiment but because it's just out of line with emotional reality -- she can't, no one can and the point of therapy is to make me come to terms with it and help deal with it the best I can.

So, for a therapist to say otherwise to me seems incredibly disingenuous and it's like they're laying a trap for me, the client, further down the road and it can lead to nothing but utter chaos. Not only that but it's also in saying that it feels like she didn't really understand the depth and breadth of what I was going through -- saying stuff like that is almost a really facile response to what is in fact a deep, complex and painful issue.

So, I would be much more in favor of a T who has a clear-eyed (but compassionate) view of what the issue is and what needs to be done and doesn't offer any false promises but at the same time is there to support my progress in dealing with it.

I don't know if this makes sense and again, my apologies if this post at all seems painful to anyone.

I have read the emotionally absent mother and running on empty, I can't remember it being in either!
My t talks about this too, in a way it makes sense but it feels like a load of b******t.

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Originally Posted by stopdog

The good enough mother was Donald Winnicott

Donald Winnicott


GOODENOUGH


and then others debate about it

http://www.drdansiegel.com/uploads/T...-therapist.pdf


There are others if you run a search for therapist as good enough mother or attachment theory

David Wallen talks about it (I think he is an *** - but he does talk about it)

Can I ask why you think he is an *********?
I haven't read his book, only snippets! I am going to attend a seminar of his next month so I am curious.

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[Waterbear]

Awkwardly, I hear you and I guess it just highlights how different we all are. I understand what you are saying and you are right but I guess deep down it just seems so necessary for me, I can't explain it but I have felt Luke this since I was about 11 and I cannot move on until I try it. I don't know, we humans are weird. Thanks for the alternative point of view though.