Can you really

There are so many things that I would like to say. So many things I need to say. Never do, can't or won't. I am so afraid of what his response will be. One time when he was trying to get me to share a difficult memory he said there isn't anything you can say to me that would shock me - you can try, but I don't think you could. Wasted yesterday's session talked about little stuff - seems that is all I can do. I was angry though and even used a curse - (that may not seem like much but I never never never use a curse especially at T) there have been times in the past that he said I could express a little stronger - that it would be alright. Also I am afraid that I offended him. It wasn't even during the session it was at the end when I was leaving - I forget what we were chatting about but I was like those ------- idiots. and he was like tell me how you really feel. I told him to have a good week and continued out the door.

I am falling apart though. I am functioning still but I know it is only a matter of time. I am triggered everywhere I turn and I don't understand. Last night I was very very triggered and I didn't know what to do. I got up enough nerve to call and leave him a message - please tell me what you think -

First I want to apologize I know I was very *itchy & cranky in today's session and I am sorry. But I have been all over the place lately. I am not coping well. I had a whole agenda to come in and talk with you about today and I didn't because I won't. Tonight I was very upset by something and I can't continue to go on like this. I don't understand why. If you could make a note and help tell you about this next time I come in I would appreciate it.

Not that I want to tell him about what actually triggered me. But I can't keep this up. I think I am headed in my downward spiral. I don't know.

I read all of your guys connections and I so badly want that, but I don't know. Somehow I think my T doesn't do that stuff. Do all T's have the basic same kind of training regardless of where they went to school? Will he reject me. I am afraid of that but I also think that I am starting to reject him. I hope some of this makes sense.

oh i totally know how you feel. like going out of your mind and you cant find a quiet spot. i wish you great peace inside.

"I had a whole agenda to come in and talk with you about today and I didn't because I won't." No one can "make" you except yourself. Even if he "prompts" you (which it sounds like he's been trying to do anyway?) you can still "won't" about it. You have to force yourself and just go for it. Would writing something out and reading it to him help? Then maybe you could talk about it because it would be out there?

I'm glad you left that message. I think it will help him take the lead. Very brave, indeed.

All T's are different. Some are not into the connection and relationship aspect with their patients. Many are into problem-solving, which is fine. Have you asked? You could use examples of other relationships you've "read" about, you could cite reading Yalom or other relationship, psychodynamically oriented therapists and gauge his response. That may give you a clue on whether or not he wants to foster that kind of client/patient rapport without having to say it so directly.

I know that I couldn't talk about the hard and painful stuff without feeling attached to my therapist and knowing that he cared and that we had a relationship. Others would prefer that their therapist remained an impartial outside figure and not another relationship to worry about it. It sounds like you may be afraid to open up because you don't have him quite figured out yet. Trust takes a long time. I know I couldn't get anything out for the first 2 1/2 years, and it was very frustrating.

I hope you can keep your functioning going. It's very scary to come unglued. (((Purplemoon)))

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purplemoon said:
I read all of your guys connections and I so badly want that, but I don't know. Somehow I think my T doesn't do that stuff. Do all T's have the basic same kind of training regardless of where they went to school?

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I did not have a connection with my first counselor, and I had no idea that sometimes people do form a special connection with their therapist. She was nice enough, but there was no attachment. We got some work done in therapy, and she had some advice for helping to ease my depression symptoms. Eventually I left her because forward progress ceased, and I found another therapist. It was a big surprise to me when I connected intensely with him. I didn't know that could be a part of therapy or that it would help me move forward with solving my problems. I don't think you have to have a strong attachment with the therapist in order to get some good work done. But it can really, really help for the truly difficult, deep work. (BTW, I don't know if it makes any difference in regard to connection, but my first counselor was a Masters of Social Work and practiced mainly CBT. My current guy is a family systems therapist, eclectic/humanistic/EMDR/gestalt/thekitchensink.)

((((((((((((purplemoon)))))))))))))))

You did well leaving your T that message. I wouldn't have been able to do that - the post I made you responded to? Something that has never happened to me before. I think he might have done more work than me!

One thing that works for me to begin to open up is to write up journal entries and give it to my T's to read. It can sometimes help because then we get to talk about something that might hurt a little bit, but it helps overall. It's not easier than talking about 'little stuff', I do know that though!

Take a chance, I know you can do that. I believe you can do it. I hope he responds well to you and helps you out. It sounds like you really want it, but don't know where to start (that's normal as I see it)

Take care of yourself.

I agree with Sunrise. I had no idea what has developed on my end ever could with someone I hardly knew at the time.

It is still hard for me to share certain feelings especially where he is concerned. I kind of avoid it more than I should.

I wouldn't discount your therapist just yet, he may go along just fine with you adjusting as needed.

purplemoon, I understand feeling that a session is a "waste" as you call it, but all sessions are helpful. This particular session sticks with you as being not what you wanted it to be and that is something to explore in itself. So judging the session as good or bad has a different result than letting it happen and go wherever it goes and exploring it from that perspective.

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Will he reject me. I am afraid of that but I also think that I am starting to reject him. I hope some of this makes sense.

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Sure does make sense. To protect yourself from the pain and hurt of your thought of him rejecting you, you want to reject him first... control the anticipated rejecting. Remember though, that he isn't rejecting you--it is a thought you're having about the fear of him rejecting you. I hope you'll share with him about feeling that you're rejecting him because you think he will reject you. . As you read from some posts, sharing fears like that helps build the trust and bond with the T. You could also share with T about what you've read here that you'd like to experience too.

From your post it sounds like you have a king and caring T. It can be hard to accept that we actually have someone there for us! When he asked you to tell him how you really feel when you referred to 'those idiots' he was trying to get you to expand on that thought and to see what makes them 'idiots' to you. He wants to know how you think and how you feel. Great T!

Your message to him is good. Honest and direct! I hope it will be a bridge to being able to tell him what you want to tell him.

How are you feeling today?

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Thanks guys. I had to call T again last night - totally unrelated subject - my son - it was a business call. Well after that I had a major anxiety attack. I thought I was going to die. I took something for the anxiety. In last nights call to T I asked him to call me back because I need information from him - I am wondering if when he calls back should I metion the anxiety attack? I don't think that he will be happy that I took something for the anxiety - it was self medication - he doesn't like it when I do that and I haven't done it in a long long time. But I didn't know what else to do. I really should have let him know where I am at before I got to this point. I just didn't expect to get here so quick. I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to call him again - already it has been 2 times in 2 days can't do a third - I would be afraid he wouldn't see me anymore. I don't know I am falling apart. I so tried to keep it together. Maybe I shouldn't try and keep it together with him. I want him to like me, so I don't always want to be such a mess with him. God - I hate this!!!!