If you met your t in another role outside of therapy, do you think you would feel the same about them? I often wonder if I would care for my t as much and I think I genuinely would. I often think of my t in a different role, friends mother, work colleague and I still would be attracted to her. She is a very attractive woman, her personality can be a bit scary at times but that is because of my past too!

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I think we would get along. We are of like minds on just about everything. However, unless I got to know him on a regular personal basis, I doubt I would feel the same because our relationship was built over time and through the shared experience of my therapy. It would take developing a different type of commonality and relationship, and that different relationship context would make it a different relationship.

[BayBrony]

My T and I share similar values and beliefs but our lives are so different ( country girl tomboy horse vet vs fashionable urban professional and hockey mom) that I cant imagine how we could become friends. We would need to first be brought together somewhere where our lives intersect... Maybe if we met in yoga class??? Not sure. I feel like we are so alike in some ways that I forget how different we are until I say something like "time to put up second cutting [hay]" and she stares at me blankly or she starts telling me about the amazing new x brand handbag she got and I stare at her blankly....

[atisketatasket]

I think if I were to encounter any of them IRL, I would be formal and reserved (which is what I do with most strangers). Reserved and often formal would certainly describe my therapeutic relationship with them, so...yes, it would be the same.

[scorpiosis37]

My T has become more of a friend since she retired in Novrmber. She is very much the same person I met in therapy and I still feel the same way about her. Not much has changed really, except that now she tells me about her personal life. It felt a little weird at first, but now it feels normal.

I am not sure I could friends with my t. We are very different which is probably why I am attracted to her. She is 25 years older than me with very different beliefs and life experiences. I think we would argue a lit more, we argue a lot now. I doubt we would make good friends but I think soulmates would be a better description

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[songofthesea]

I can't imagine the kind of circumstances that could bring us together, although I suppose I do know a couple of people in the department where he took his PhD. We have similar values but I've had to explain a couple of points of reference to him, as he has had to for me. I imagine that we would get along but he would prefer speaking to people his own age and within his own field, as there is a significant disparity. I have a lot of positive feelings for him though.

[awkwardlyyours]

There's no way that she and I would be friends -- we'd get on each other's nerves in no time flat. Basically, because I don't think we have the slightest clue (or respect?) for what makes each of us tick -- so, there's nothing close to that sense of mutual acceptance / understanding of the basic core of each other and each other's foibles in particular to have a friendship or even anything other than a solid, professional relationship.

I can say that rather confidently (and, at the risk of sounding like I'm projecting) because she reminds me of a couple of people in my life with who I had to try to really hard to be friends (they tried too) because circumstances threw us together -- for instance, where they were dating someone I really cared about; were my de-facto academic advisors; and so on. It felt / feels like pulling teeth every single time because we really have to struggle to figure out each other's viewpoints and can't seem to arrive at that space of easy understanding / giving each other the benefit of the doubt, the way it usually naturally happens with someone you click with.

It has made me often wonder if I should switch Ts.

The upside of that though -- really -- is that it has made it much less likely (almost impossible) for me to get emotionally entangled with her (and end up in a right royal mess the way I usually do when I 'click' with someone and have that kind of easy emotional bond). And, so the lack of a sort of personal connection has made it possible for me to say all kinds of difficult stuff to her -- including how she isn't doing her job right -- in ways that I would find it very hard to do if I really felt like we got along on a personal level (and not just a professional one).

And yep, I'm also super formal and reserved with my T.

[MobiusPsyche]

I've come to be friendly with my T and we do have a lot of things in common but honestly, no, we would not have become friends if we'd met in some other capacity. Mostly because I'm so closed off that I wouldn't have given her a chance; I hardly give anyone a chance. Also because she seemed flaky to me at first.... But a colleague/friend who is very much not flaky had recommended this T to me so I figured I'd give her a shot. I'm so glad I did!

[Myrto]

We would probably never have met under different circumstances. She's 54, I'm 29 so she's 25 years older than me. We also don't move in the same social circles. I have a tendency to look for older women so that's my maternal transference talking but I doubt we would ever be friends in real life. It would just not happen. Quite sad if you think about it.

[bounceback]

As much as I like my last T I don't think we could have been friends. we have a few things in common but she is crazy about running and sports and dress shoes while I barely can drag myself to a gym (I do like swimming, biking, and bowling) I normally dress in jeans and a shirt and rarely dress up. Plus some of her opinions would clash with mine. We have some stuff in common but I don't think enough to put us past the acquaintance stage. I wouldn't have mind trying though if she would have gone for it.

[brillskep]

Do you mean, if we were in different roles and not in a therapeutic relationsahip? My therapist and I are in a dual relationship (we are colleagues in our psychotherapy training community) and it has influenced therapy - occasionally for the better and other times for the worse. But if we had only been colleagues ... hmm ... I think I would admire him for his knowledge more because I wouldn't know how prone he is to misusing that knowledge in practice when he is triggered. I would like him, but there would probably be little intimacy and no love between us (as opposed to our therapeutic relationship) because I would definitely not have opened up to him so much in a training context. BUT maybe we could have become closer friends if I had joined his small peer group, which I probably would have if he weren't my therapist. A lot of mutual close colleagues are in that group and there are very few other small groups I know of and I don't know others who want to create a new one ... Many claim they do but when it comes down to meeting and doing the work, no one is available anymore. Or they are superficial in their approach and I don't feel like I could grow in those groups. I would really like to be in that close-knit group of intelligent, ethical, insightful friends, but with my therapist in it that would be a very bad idea.

[Cleo6]

Although in one way I would like to but realistically we wouldn't. She has kids my age, her husband is really high up working in a business and earns loads of money, all her kids have gone to a very expensive private school and all are doing really well and are high up in their careers and I'm a support worker. I just don't see any connection at all and when o really think about it I see her more as a mum type figure rather than a friend

[ScarletPimpernel]

We would probably never meet in another situation. But if we did, I would feel an instant rapport with her. When I went searching for a T, I looked at all the ones who had pictures. And something about her made me instantly feel she was the right T. It's a gut instinct I have about people. T told me positive gut instincts are usually correct. It's why I chose to stay with her even through the hard times. So if I randomly met her somewhere, I'm sure I would have an instant attraction.

[luvnola]

I like my t as a t; she is a decent t. But anywhere other than therapy, I don't know if I'd like her or not. I really don't think we'd ever talk to one another had our paths crossed anywhere but therapy. We are in different places in our lives.

[stopdog]

I doubt there would be any sort of reason for connection. The woman is older, straight and does not seem to have any sort of common interests with me. She lives in the same area as I hang out in/have had lovers live in/work in and we have never run into each other in 30 years - I doubt it ever would have come up.
I suppose it is not impossible I could like the woman well enough under different circumstances. I assume I would not despise her, but one never knows.

No, we wouldn't. T is very much a social person who likes having her friends around her, while I am socially isolated and very guarded.

No way we would have met outside of therapy. Even if we did, she would be someone I looked at from afar while she would never have noticed me.

My t is 25 years older than me and sometimes she thinks that she has more life experience and that comes with certain entitlements. There is no doubt she has more life experience but it doesn't give her the rights she expects. She thinks that is superior in her knowledge of life and people and to be honest she does know more about people because I have been very isolated my whole life. I definitely think we would spend all of our time arguing. I think we are a different class. T pretends to be common but she is a millionaire (you would never know by her house) but she a lot of money and I am just working class. I think I have more of an issue with class than she does.

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[RedSun]

Yes, I think we would have been friends. We have similar professions, studies, we share humour. She is a bit older than me, maybe ten years, same age as lots of my friends. And we do get along well.
But, ugh, now she knows what she knows, I don't think there's any way we could be friends.

I think my current T and I could likely be good friends or even romantic interests if we did not meet in the context of therapy. In fact, I chose him in a very similar way I typically choose friends. We have similar backgrounds, many similar interests, and it's quite new but easy to see that lots of similar values as well. All this, naturally, presents with a challenge in our therapy relationship that we recognized and discussed very early and try to keep in mind while working together: not to lose focus from the actual therapeutic work and my goals. Because otherwise our conversations tend to be jumping all over the map, from topic to topic, in a very free floating and intense way. So we try to stay aware of this challenge and keep the scope of the relationship in mind. It's been an interesting process and challenge so far and I find him very helpful as a therapist. I think he is the kind of person that would also be a good match for me as a work colleague.

Former T, not so much. With him, I think we had very little in common apart from some of our interests and educational levels (but even those manifest in different ways). Very different personalities and interaction styles. No surprise it did not last beyond a year. I think I could have a decent, civil relationship with him if not therapist/patient, but I don't find him particularly interesting and in some ways rather annoying. He's also far too superficial for my taste. So, no.

[nonamecomestomind]

I am not sure. We are the same age and share many values, children near the same age, etc. She and I also have a similar sense of humor. BUT, she eats much higher on the hog than I do so that would limit doing too much socially.

[AncientMelody]

Yes, I think it would feel the same.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

If you met your t in another role outside of therapy, do you think you would feel the same about them?

Yes, I would feel the same, or maybe better because it would be more superficial and she wouldn't know all these things about me.

[LonesomeTonight]

I don't think my T and I would be friends if we met elsewhere. I mean, I think we'd get along fine, but I'm also having trouble thinking of how our paths would cross. Maybe if her grandkids and my daughter were in the same class or something, since they're around the same age?

With my marriage counselor, I could definitely see being friends with him if H and I met him in a different circumstance--H has even mentioned that he could see us all hanging out, like having a beer together or watching a football or hockey game or something. He's also closer in age to us (like 12 years vs. 25 years) than T, plus he shows much more of himself in therapy, so I think that's part of it.

[Pennster]

We could be friends based on our personalities, but it wouldn't be likely just because of how we choose to spend our time. I think we'd really get along if we were involved in the same kinds of professional groupings or were at grad school together, but our professions and interests are really different, so that wouldn't happen. We're both total extroverts and relate well to each other so if we were neighbors or something we'd get on well, but he's such a good therapist I'm really happy he hasn't come into my life in any other way.