[nuttya]

I’m so stressed out.. I needed to talk to someone and you got elected….


I’ve gone to therapy twice now, and both times when we were talking about stuff that has me stressed out, problems with my DH came up. After talking about everything, I got the distinct impression from the therapist that he thinks I might not be happy ever if I am married to my DH…. I’m so confused….I love my DH, and I’m the one with depression, why does the therapist think I need to seriously consider what “consequences” there should be if my DH doesn’t take responsibility for stuff??? Last night and today I have been so upset that my stomach is churning and I feel sick…. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my DH and I have issues, what couple doesn’t? But to hear someone else say that I might not be happy or able to not be so miserable unless I think about being a single parent, makes me feel like I’m drowning. When I said til death do us part, I meant it. How can this guy think that after talking with me twice for an hour each time?


The other thing the therapist told me I need to do is take some time for myself, and I agreed to take an hour or two on Saturday and go to the Y or go for a walk. Then I get home and tell my DH that he is supposed to go with me to my next session, and ask him if there’s anything I can do to make things better, and my DH says he wants me to spend more time with him and the girls. Now my head is freaking spinning - - - do I take time for myself, or do I spend more time with him and the girls? When he is home, we are together, on the weekends, we are together, I take care of the girls when he is at work, but apparently I need to spend more time with them…. Yet I agreed to spend time alone………….


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Will you hold my hand through this? I don’t expect you to have any answers, but I just need someone to listen to me.


I gotta go before I start bawling at my desk.

[Lucinda]

Im sorry that ive got no great words of wisdom.

You t is only making suggestions you dont have to follow what he says and you can disagree with him

it sounds like you need a bit of time to yourself at the moment and be kind to yourself being a mum wife etc is hard work

take care
lucy

[Gracey]

I once had a therapist who suggested divorce for me as a solution to my "problems." I promptly fired him and found another therapist. He didn't know my husband, and frankly did not know me well enough to make such a suggestion. GOOD therapy involves including the current support system, which I would assume includes your husband, whom you yourself refer to as "Dear Husband." If you love the man.. .and you've said you do. . .then focus on what you can do to contribute to the marriage. Life is about compromises. Marriage is about sacrifice. You are not required to "loose yourself" but at the same time, you have to understand that your husband is a part of you. Remember that part of your vows?

It sounds as though your husband IS supportive of the therapy. It also sounds to me as though he craves more of your attention. I have been married for 13 years, and in that time have discovered that if my hubby is asking for time, not only does he really need it, but he needs to demonstrate to me his affections toward me. Men have this weird agenda, you know? They often need to "prove" to us their love. You don't have to give up time for yourself in order to give him some. Include him in the decision making process. You guys are in this thing together, right?

Some ideas might be to go out for a Happy Meal as a family, and then part ways for an hour or so. Or, go to the Y and walk, and then have him meet you there at a set time with your girls and go swimming together. Therapy is never about isolation. . .be very careful when you make time for you that you aren't isolating.

Hoping things work out for you. . .holding your hand.

[sunrise]

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I got the distinct impression from the therapist that he thinks I might not be happy ever if I am married to my DH

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nuttya, did the therapist say this or were you trying to listen between the lines of what he was saying? Could you have gotten the wrong impression? I think it is really important to clarify this with him and see if you understood correctly.

I am in the process of getting a divorce and went through therapy before that. My T was never directive or came to the conclusion for me that I should get a divorce. He helped me explore the options. He leaves it up to the individual or couple to tell him if they want to work on preserving their marriage or ending it. And he is willing to work hard with them on whichever they choose. I hope you can talk openly with your T and clarify his intent regarding your marriage, and make sure.

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Then I get home and tell my DH that he is supposed to go with me to my next session

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If you would like your husband to attend therapy with you, then you could invite him. I think everyone would rather be invited than told they are supposed to go somewhere. Why do you say "he is supposed to go"? According to who? It is your therapy, so you can set the agenda. I hope your T is not the one telling you your husband is supposed to attend with you. It is always your choice.

I think this would be a great topic to discuss in therapy (your role and T's role in setting the direction for therapy, and how directive you would like your T to be).

I agree it can be so helpful to take some time for yourself. Could you do this during the day by enrolling your girls in pre-school (or some activity) for a couple of mornings a week?

Best of luck.

[(JD)]

I'm glad you are going to take some time for yourself. The T might not be urging or even suggesting divorce, but wants you to consider being someone who doesn't need to be married to be "someone" perhaps? IDK I wasn't there. I hope your DH does go with you next time. It appears the T does sense some issues from home that need to worked out? TC

What kind of therapist are you seeing?

It's odd he'd be doing anything other than talking about what is real and happening now. Telling you to think about being a single parent when you aren't and don't plan to be doesn't seem helpful. Perhaps he's suggesting you look at the alternative, but you're there to explore the present reality; to learn more about how it works and how it can be better.

Tell him your thoughts about the impression you were left with when you go next . It will be interesting to explore with the therpist.

Spending more time, alone or with your family, can be talked about and defined more so that each person's ideas about what that means is understood by the other.

[nuttya]

Well, one of the major topics of our sessions has been the fact that my husband doesn't do things on his own. He expects me to take care of everything and he does irresponsible things like sleep on the couch all day when he is supposed to be taking care of our daughters (age two and five) and he has recently been drinking too much. I've talked to him about these things, and he promises to change, but then continues to do the same old stuff. T asked if DH would come with me to a session, and I said he would if I asked him to, and T said he thinks it would be a good idea. T said that if DH is unwilling to change, I need to be open to considering living as a single parent in order for me to be happy in the long run. I must have conveyed a message to T that I can't live like this forever. My marriage is not problem free by any means, but I have never considered divorce as a solution, and was shocked to hear T say that I may have to. (He did say it very bluntly, it wasn't a read between the lines thing.)

Thank you to sunrise for calling me on my awfulizing ~ I do that all the time.

I work all day every day, and was overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my daughters for an additional hour each evening so I could have alone time. T and I compromised by planning an alone time session on Saturday. I pretty much never have any time to myself, I am constantly working, taking care of the kids, or working on household stuff pretty much all day every day. T said that having alone time to unwind and do something I enjoy is important to my mental health. I was so disappointed when I came home and told DH that and he told me that he wanted me to spend more time with him.

Thank you for listening....

[sunrise]

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ECHOES said:
It's odd he'd be doing anything other than talking about what is real and happening now.... but you're there to explore the present reality; to learn more about how it works and how it can be better.

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ECHOES, are you saying that people shouldn't work on the future at all in therapy? I think actually, that people frequently do, and it can be so helpful. For example, it can help motivate change and define a roadmap/direction if you envision where you want to be in the future. That's what goal setting is all about. How do you want to be in the future? What do you want your life to look like? It can help you make decisions about the now if you examine your future options. I'm not saying this is the case for you, nuttya, but just wanted to let you know that it is not uncommon to address the future in therapy. In fact, in some cases it would be irresponsible not to consider the future in therapy. For example, for me, it would be disasterous not to have considered my family's future safety and financial security when trying to decide about ending the marriage and about how to end the marriage. Sadly, for whatever reasons, some people give their future little thought/exploration and plunge ahead with bad consequences for themselves and their families. So yes, the future definitely can be a topic for therapy sessions!

[Lemon]

Nuttya - I agree with a lot of the advice that people have given already. I think it can be so valueable and important to find some way to take time for yourself and develop a personal interest. This is especially helpful if it is a physical activity such as going to the Y like you mentioned.

I have been going through an extremely painful time with my husband. We were in couples therapy for almost two years. During that time, my T never directly recommended staying together or not, and it does sound like your T was just helping you explore options rather than saying you should make a decision to leave your DH. By having some alone time you will probably be able to get a sense of what being without your current husband would be like and also just give you some time to actually think without the responsibility of watching your children.

My husband and I are getting a divorce and though it is extremely painful and difficult I'm glad I at least had taken a few small steps, with T's help, to have some alone time to prepare myself. Either way, no couple can spend all their time together.

Good luck and we're hear to listen