[scorpiosis37]

My T retired in November and I have not had much luck in finding a new T. I tried out 4 potential new Ts. The first, I knew after one session she just wasn't s fit. She wanted to do a bunch of new-agey stuff that I don't believe in and is contradicted by scientific evidence. The second one was much older and it just felt too uncomfortable to talk to her about my dating life, so I didn't go back. The third one I Initially liked but she turned out to be a disaster. She tried to tell me that being sexually assaulted by a stranger was my fault because I must have given off the vibe that I was interested (despite me saying "NO" and fighting to get away). The fourth I've now seen for 3 sessions and she isn't awful, but she isn't great, either. She likes to write down everything I say and then quote it back to me later, which I find annoying. She also typed up a "goals" sheet where she listed what she feels are my goals. I told her though that I didn't enter therapy in order to accomplish any particular goals-- I just want a safe space to talk. I'm not in therapy because I have a "problem" that I need to address; I just like having an outlet to "get out" all of the thoughts, feelings, frustrations, etc that build up and then I usually feel a sense of calm or ease at feeling "heard." But I don't feel heard by this new T. She keeps wanting to teach me breathing exercises which I am not interested in, she keeps asking me to rate my stress on a level of 1-10 which I think is stupid and pointless, and she keeps making me answer questions like "are your friends concerned about your drinking" or "have you ever thought of harming yourself?" I told her multiple times that I do not drink at all and I am not (and have never been) suicidal, so can we please skip those questions because it is wasting time that I'm paying a lot of money for. She also doesn't offer any insight or feedback on the topics I actually want to explore. I'm currently experiencing frustration over the fact that other people are soooo flakey and it makes my life more difficult to have to rearrange my schedule, miss out on an activity, or take on extra tasks at work every time other people flake out on me. I also recently ended a romantic relationship because my girlfriend was super flakey. I asked the T if there was anything I could do differently to get better results, and she said no. Other than walking away from the people in my personal life who are flakey, I can't really do anything. If the T can't offer anything on what is actually bothering me, then what's the point? I feel like she doesn't actually care what I want to do in therapy, she's more or less reading from a script or trying to fit me into a cookie cutter mold that doesn't work for me. The only thing is that if I quit her, there isn't really another option. I called about 50 Ts and these were the only 4 who called me back, over an 8 month span. So if I don't stay with her, I will probably just not do therapy for awhile. I'm planning on moving in a year, so maybe I would try again after the move. I'm just not sure how long I should give it in order to fairly assess if she can learn how to work with me and become useful?

She wouldn't work for me. Sounds like she has only one method of doing things and isn't client-centered at all.

Are you okay not being in therapy for awhile? Sometimes we just need a break. I took several LONG breaks between therapy over the years and it really was okay. It gave me some time to just be there for myself a bit and I found down the road when I felt it was time to go back into therapy, I was really in a different place and a bit of a different person just because I had had some time just to live without therapizing everything I was thinking. If you are stable enough to be okay for awhile, consider a break. Use the money to travel or start a new hobby or something. Could be a refreshing change. You can always go back at any point.

Tough one! Are you getting anything at all from the sessions? If not, she's probably not a good fit.

I too have taken breaks. It can be really freeing, and I'd do that instead of seeing someone I didn't like 100%.

[A18793715]

I would keep looking. I don't think you would be happy in the long run if you stayed with her when she does (what I would also find annoying as hell) things that you hate. I'm sorry it's taking you so long. Have you looked at psychologytoday.com? That was my first place to look. They have a psychiatrist and therapist finder. Maybe they'll have someone listed in your area.

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[stopdog]

It does not sound like you are getting what you want from that one.

[scorpiosis37]

I actually found her through psychology today. I've exhausted the list of therapists in my area who meet the bare minimum criteria I'm looking for, so it really is a choice between her and taking another break. I was on a break from June 15- Sept 15 and then Nov 15- May 16. So it's already been about a year. I'm okay with continuing the break for another year, though. I don't "need" to be in therapy. I definitely miss it, but I don't think this T is going to work out. I may give it one or two more sessions to see if she can change her approach but, if not, I'll quit.

[growlycat]

Was your original T ever able to get you those referrals? I feel for you as I have to look for a new T and it is daunting to find the right fit.

OMG there are so many BAD therapists out there!!! Not just not a good fit but just bad. I am kind of jaded with the online directories both PC and Psych today. Any fool it seems can hang out a shingle and call themselves a therapist.

I'm trying to get my T to give me well thought out referrals. It's a place to start. Are there any LGBT organizations that can refer therapists that are aligned with what you are looking for?

As a side note, I am frustrated with the online directories because everything seems like a code word. Christian counseling is the opposite of what I'm looking for so even though I'm straight, any T that seems LGBT friendly is probably closer to being for me than other options. I have to tease out phrases from profiles like "spiritual issues" (a NO for me) or "humanist" (getting warmer)

Some T's are whack jobs regardless of stance or training. I wish you the best. I hope you find a good fit and I hope you don't give up.

[LonesomeTonight]

It sounds like she's just not listening to you and, as others said, she's using a cookie cutter approach to her clients. You might be better off just not being in therapy at all--doesn't sound like she's helping. Have you tried looking for T's in your area through sources other than Psychology Today? Some might not be listed on there. Or could you try seeing someone a bit further away, but maybe only every other week or something?

[A18793715]

I've found some other sites.

I found

http://www.goodtherapy.org/

https://www.theravive.com/therapists/e-counseling.aspx

And

https://www.therapytribe.com/


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[Rive.]

My initial thought, reading your question, was to stick with this T but keep actively searching for another (better) one. As in, better to have someone than no one at all.

Reading on: it seems she is not hearing you and her approach doesn’t seem to be what you are looking for. Thus, if you are profoundly unhappy or dissatisfied, it might be best to take a break from therapy.

That being said, I don’t see that she did anything wrong re the flaky issue. What else can anyone do if others are flaky.. Flakiness is not something we can predict nor control. There is not much choice when in a relationship with such people: either we accept their flakiness and adapt expectations etc. accordingly, try and talk to them (but they might not want to change) or reduce/cut contact. What else is there to do...?

[scorpiosis37]

My T said she didn't have any referrals for me when she retired. I used several other sites in addition to psychology today, and I already contacted two different LGBT organizations for help in getting referrals. I really went all out this past year in my search! My city isn't that big, and there just aren't that many therapists available. I'm also burned on looking, so I'm just not interested in going back on the hunt. It was a really awful experience. I think I would prefer a break over looking again.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Rive.

That being said, I don’t see that she did anything wrong re the flaky issue. What else can anyone do if others are flaky.. Flakiness is not something we can predict nor control. There is not much choice when in a relationship with such people: either we accept their flakiness and adapt expectations etc. accordingly, try and talk to them (but they might not want to change) or reduce/cut contact. What else is there to do...?

I think what I wished she had done was express that she cared about or could commiserate with my frustration. I missed the feeling of being heard. It felt like she just didn't care, and didn't know why I bothered to bring it up at all. She just kind of sat there and waited for me to say something else.

But then, when I said I was stressed out about work, she wanted to jump in and offer 10 different suggestions-- when I didn't want any. In my view, being stressed out about work is also something that I can't do anything about. Until I finish the book I am writing, I'm just going to be stressed about it and it is going to occupy my thoughts. Sure, I can give myself breaks and plan fun outings that will take my mind off it for a little while, but my overall level of stress is just a reality. Breathing slowly or focusing on a "happy thought" is not going to get my book finished any faster, and it's not really something I want her input on. Really, I was just answering her question like "yes, being a professor, teaching classes, writing grant apps, writing a book and editing a journal is indeed stressful."

Clearly, I'm just frustrated with her/therapy. I also tried to see if she had any thoughts/feedback for me on dating (in my view, the other people in my demographic seem to suck)-- but she didn't really have anything to say about that, either. There may be nothing to say. But, at the very least, I would have appreciated something like "yeah, it really does suck! A lot of my clients also think that it sucks" or "It really is hard in this geographical area" or something. I hate the silent, blank stare.

I guess I just wanted to make sure I'm not being overly critical of her since she doesn't really know me or what I'm looking for yet. But I really do think she just isn't the right fit.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you might appreciate someone who practices Client-centered Therapy, as invented by Carl Rogers. "Client-centered" does not mean that the therapist puts the client first in some sense. Rather, it means that the therapist practices a specific, non-directive, disciplined, limited method of listening and responding.

In this approach, therapists are nonjudgmentally attuned to whatever clients say, and to their underlying feelings. Therapists state/restate/clarify what is said and felt so as to demonstrate understanding and acceptance of what clients are saying and feeling, without directing or judging clients. When clients find themselves so well understood and accepted, they typically feel encouraged to explore themselves further.

[Rive.]

Thank you for clarifying. I get what you mean. The running theme seems to be that she is not hearing, nor being attuned, to you. Seems like you are talking to a wall. A humanist approach would seem more suitable..

Would it possible (unless you already did so) to have a frank discussion with her - i.e. you telling her your needs (at least the important stuff like validation, showing care, etc.) and see if she/you both can work around this. Although not ideal (even if you have to put up with irritating breathing exercises), this way you'd still have minimum support - which is always better than nothing.

Of course, it depends on how untenable therapy is with her..

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like you might appreciate someone who practices Client-centered Therapy, as invented by Carl Rogers. "Client-centered" does not mean that the therapist puts the client first in some sense. Rather, it means that the therapist practices a specific, non-directive, disciplined, limited method of listening and responding.

In this approach, therapists are nonjudgmentally attuned to whatever clients say, and to their underlying feelings. Therapists state/restate/clarify what is said and felt so as to demonstrate understanding and acceptance of what clients are saying and feeling, without directing or judging clients. When clients find themselves so well understood and accepted, they typically feel encouraged to explore themselves further.

Yeah, I'm familiar with Rogers and my ex-T definitely took a humanistic, client-centered approach. I like it much better than this new T's approach.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Thank you for clarifying. I get what you mean. The running theme seems to be that she is not hearing, nor being attuned, to you. Seems like you are talking to a wall. A humanist approach would seem more suitable..

Would it possible (unless you already did so) to have a frank discussion with her - i.e. you telling her your needs (at least the important stuff like validation, showing care, etc.) and see if she/you both can work around this. Although not ideal (even if you have to put up with irritating breathing exercises), this way you'd still have minimum support - which is always better than nothing.

Of course, it depends on how untenable therapy is with her..

I tried to have a conversation with her yesterday, but it didn't get very far. I was caught off guard by her pulling out a sheet where she had typed up my "goals" by quoting things I had said in the previous session, which were not actually goals but answers to some of her annoying/irrelevant questions. I think I will take your suggestion and plan on having a more pointed conversation with her at the beginning of my next session. (Although I will NOT be doing any breathing exercises!)

[Bill3]

I wonder if a client-centered therapist has to be proven as an LGBT therapist as well in order to be helpful to you. I only mention this because it might be that looking beyond experienced LGBT therapists would expand the pool of possible therapists in your area, and because the client-centered approach requires therapists to be accepting of whatever clients bring into the room, whether or not the T has a lot of previous experience with that material.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder if a client-centered therapist has to be proven as an LGBT therapist as well in order to be helpful to you. I only mention this because it might be that looking beyond experienced LGBT therapists would expand the pool of possible therapists in your area, and because the client-centered approach requires therapists to be accepting of whatever clients bring into the room, whether or not the T has a lot of previous experience with that material.

I'm just not interested in searching for a new T. I don't have the time, energy, or desire to do it again. It's not something I want.

Even if I did, I don't want a T who doesn't identify with the LGBT community. I've seen more straight Ts than queer Ts in the past, and it always is a big problem (even if they are client-centered). It's not about being "accepted," it's that they just don't "get it." I already feel different/misunderstood and constantly have to correct misperceptions and explain myself to my straight family and straight colleagues, and I don't want to have do that in therapy as well. It's exhausting and frustrating. To give an example, for me, seeing a straight T feels like someone who is Jewish (and whose primary identity is their religion/culture) seeing a Christian therapist, who practices Christian-centered therapy. They just don't have the cultural understanding and they can't relate to me in the same way. Talking to someone who isn't queer or hasn't worked heavily with the queer community just doesn't "get" my language and my experience. Having to translate and explain things to a straight T feels like "code-switching," if you're familiar with the term. Especially since dating is a topic I want to talk about. They never understand the terms I use, why it's hard to be high femme looking for another high femme in the rural/Midwestern area I am in, why I don't relate to or like the stereotypes that are thrown at me by well-meaning but clueless people, why I don't "fit in" with the butch-centric or butch/femme coupled lesbian community here, or why it's frustrating to constantly be misread as "straight" or asked "why are you so picky about dating such femme women? You'd have more options if you were more open" or "but you're femme, don't you want someone different from you?" I just don't want to waste my time in therapy explaining everything to a T just to get her up to a basic level, on which I could even begin therapy. And I doubt it would ever be helpful. It would just be me paying her, in order to educate her. I've done it in the past, and it was awful. I would go home feeling like I just had one of those conversations where I tried to explain myself to my elderly, Republican father who really wants to get it and means well (and does accept me), but just can't get his mind around it.

[Bill3]

Thank you very much for taking the time, and having the willingness and the patience, to educate me.

I wish you well in whatever you decide.

[scorpiosis37]

I tried out one last session, and talked to her directly about feeling like therapy wasn't working out. I told her that I felt frustrated by some of her techniques and ask if there might be something we could do differently. She kind of stared blankly at me and said nothing. She didn't get defensive, but she also didn't offer to make any changes. She literally didn't say anything. It was really uncomfortable. I went home and thought about it, and decided to quit. I decided I just don't want to do therapy right now. I don't need it, and think my time and money could be better spent elsewhere.

Sounds like you made a good decision. Enjoy your break.

[Rive.]

I wonder if she is experienced. From her reaction (or lack of one), she seems more like a babe in the woods...

Well, at least you tried. If she can't accommodate at all, then it is a waste of your time and money. Hey, no more dreaded breathing exercises!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I tried out one last session, and talked to her directly about feeling like therapy wasn't working out. I told her that I felt frustrated by some of her techniques and ask if there might be something we could do differently. She kind of stared blankly at me and said nothing. She didn't get defensive, but she also didn't offer to make any changes. She literally didn't say anything. It was really uncomfortable. I went home and thought about it, and decided to quit. I decided I just don't want to do therapy right now. I don't need it, and think my time and money could be better spent elsewhere.

That definitely sounds like the right decision. She doesn't seem open to feedback or changing her approach to fit the client. I know you said she was basically your last option, but maybe keep looking anyway, just in case?

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I tried to have a conversation with her yesterday, but it didn't get very far. I was caught off guard by her pulling out a sheet where she had typed up my "goals" by quoting things I had said in the previous session, which were not actually goals but answers to some of her annoying/irrelevant questions. I think I will take your suggestion and plan on having a more pointed conversation with her at the beginning of my next session. (Although I will NOT be doing any breathing exercises!)

Arrgh!!! I kind of want to hit my head against the wall just reading about it so I can't imagine how it must have felt to you. I think you have shown a lot of forbearance in your dealings with her. I hope that in your next city you are able to find someone you feel connected to and enjoy working with. Someone who isn't an absolute tool. Jeez.

[scorpiosis37]

Thanks everyone.

The more I've thought about it over the last seven months, the more I've come to realize that what I liked about therapy had less to do with therapy and more to do with my relationship with T. I started therapy back when I was 25 and had just chosen to end my domestic partner of 5 years. At that time, I really did need the kind of support therapy can provide. After the immediate issue of the break-up was dealt with, I went pretty deep with T about other issues: not having a mom, childhood abuse, etc. That was all stuff I really needed to deal with... and I did. In the process, I also developed a meaningful relationship with someone (T) who was willing to offer some of the maternal support I'd never had. If I'm being honest, the "therapy" with my T probably ended about a year before our sessions stopped. By that time, therapy had become much more like talking to a friend, and we talked mostly about my life... but we talked about hers, too. I never would have ended therapy with her, though, because I never would have chosen to give up my relationship with her. And if I ended therapy while she was still a practicing T, it would have been an ending. But because therapy ended with her retirement and her giving up her license, she offered me an ongoing friendship after therapy.

For the first few months, I really missed having a weekly therapy appointment. When anything "bad" happened, I felt upset that I didn't have a T to call. I did notice that a source of support was no longer there in the same way. Because I felt that absence, I thought that meant I still needed therapy. So, I looked for a new T. But after having more time to think about it, I realized that it's not therapy that I missed. And now that I've shifted gears with my old T and she feels more like a "friend," I don't miss her as my T anymore. I like it better the way it is now. The absence I was feeling before went away. When I was going to appointments and trying out new Ts, I really didn't like it. Part of it is that I didn't find the right fit, but part of it is that I don't actually want to be in therapy. I don't have anything I need to talk about, and there isn't anything I want to work on. Sure, I have stress from work and I get frustrated by people in my life sometimes, but nothing that I need to process in therapy. It's all stuff I can talk about with my friends/family. Since I'm no longer relying on my T for support, I've actually grown a lot closer to my family and talk to them about my life more than I did before. I'm also happier than I was before. For whatever reason, I felt like I "should" find a new T, but the truth is that I don't want or need one. There are so many other things I would rather do with the time and money, and I feel extremely relieved now that I've made the decision to quit. I might decide in the future that I want to go back to therapy for one reason or another, but for the time being I'm really glad NOT to be in therapy. The second I made the decision to stop seeing this new T and to stop looking, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me.