[retro_chic]

So other than anxiety I really don't feel much of anything during session. There was one exception to this and that was when I couldn't think of anything to say so T and I sat in silence for about 20 minutes. I felt really angry at T and even started to tear up at one point. T was not looking at me at the time so perhaps that is why I was able let myself feel a little bit?

Anyway, I feel so disconnected from my feelings that it makes it difficult to process what is going on. I don't know how to change this. I have been seeing this T for about 6 months and I still don't feel completely "safe" for some reason.

Lastly, for those of you who read my last post about T not hugging me, I asked her about it and she said the reason she can't give me a hug is because of ethics and boundaries. So yeah...

[Waterbear]

I had this problem too and am still struggling but it is something we are working on all of the time. Something that has been particularly useful has been for my T to show her emotion and talk about it and we can discuss it. If something I say makes her excited she will tell me, tell me how it feels in her body if it does appear there and tell me why she felt excited. The same for her feelings of sadness and vulnerability etc. I think she is quite careful about which emotions she shows to me for obvious reasons and I do understand that this might not be something for everyone but largely I am finding it helpful in realising that emotions are normal and it is safe to share these with other people. Since we have been doing this I have experienced a calm peace, disappointment and sadness on top of my usual anxiety which is a positive step forward. I have also made baby steps towards sharing these with my T and I hope that this continues.

Sorry to hear about the hug thing too.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

So other than anxiety I really don't feel much of anything during session. There was one exception to this and that was when I couldn't think of anything to say so T and I sat in silence for about 20 minutes. I felt really angry at T and even started to tear up at one point. T was not looking at me at the time so perhaps that is why I was able let myself feel a little bit?

Anyway, I feel so disconnected from my feelings that it makes it difficult to process what is going on. I don't know how to change this. I have been seeing this T for about 6 months and I still don't feel completely "safe" for some reason.

Lastly, for those of you who read my last post about T not hugging me, I asked her about it and she said the reason she can't give me a hug is because of ethics and boundaries. So yeah...

Do you know why you felt really angry at your T during the silence? Do you know what you wanted from her? (To rescue you, rescue the session, by breaking the silence?).

Sometimes I just like to 'be there' with my T. She knows this because I told her (not easy!). I still sometimes feel like I don't know what to talk about and we talk about why that might be (from shame to my fears: of looking stupid, sounding boring, or other reasons I might be pulling myself back - fear of displeasing her [and ultimately losing her], fear of feeling, fear of judgment, etc). We've talked about these times, feelings, and fears many times, as a person does in therapy.

Stay positive, be curious about what is going on with you internally (and without judgment) because these situations are perfect for learning about you. Keep going

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I had this problem too and am still struggling but it is something we are working on all of the time. Something that has been particularly useful has been for my T to show her emotion and talk about it and we can discuss it. If something I say makes her excited she will tell me, tell me how it feels in her body if it does appear there and tell me why she felt excited. The same for her feelings of sadness and vulnerability etc. I think she is quite careful about which emotions she shows to me for obvious reasons and I do understand that this might not be something for everyone but largely I am finding it helpful in realising that emotions are normal and it is safe to share these with other people. Since we have been doing this I have experienced a calm peace, disappointment and sadness on top of my usual anxiety which is a positive step forward. I have also made baby steps towards sharing these with my T and I hope that this continues.

Sorry to hear about the hug thing too.

Thanks for your reply!
My T kind of does this. She doesn't go into where she feels it in her body or anything but she will say things like "that sounds really sad" or "I feel a real sense of hopelessness and heaviness in the room". Those things do help me a little bit but there is still something blocking me from really feeling it. I guess it just takes time but I would have thought after 6 months I would have made more progress than this

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Do you know why you felt really angry at your T during the silence? Do you know what you wanted from her? (To rescue you, rescue the session, by breaking the silence?).

Sometimes I just like to 'be there' with my T. She knows this because I told her (not easy!). I still sometimes feel like I don't know what to talk about and we talk about why that might be (from shame to my fears: of looking stupid, sounding boring, or other reasons I might be pulling myself back - fear of displeasing her [and ultimately losing her], fear of feeling, fear of judgment, etc). We've talked about these times, feelings, and fears many times, as a person does in therapy.

Stay positive, be curious about what is going on with you internally (and without judgment) because these situations are perfect for learning about you. Keep going

Thanks for the reply!
I wrote another thread about the silence a while ago and didn't want to go into again because my post would be super long. Basically though, I did want T to "rescue me".

I'm wondering now though if more silences could actually be helpful. I mean not for 20mins but maybe just 5mins so I can have a bit of time to absorb what is happening. I might suggest that to T. I usually write down the stuff I want to talk about and read it to T so we don't usually have any extended silences. I still have fears of looking stupid and stuff like that which I have spoken to T about a number of times.

I've been in therapy for two years, and I still struggle with this, although it's getting better. So for me, I will have all these strong feelings during the week, be them about T or something else, and by the time I get to session I feel like they're nothing, like I made them up.
I recognise it as a defensive mechanism. I block these things subconsciously because I can't cope with expressing them to another person. I have discussed this with him and recently I have been pushing myself to express them anyway, which has led to frequent dissociation, but I am trying to weather the storm and continue because I feel if I can push myself a little at a time (as much as I can cope with) I will eventually be able to feel spontaneously.
I think the key to it all is communication between you and your therapist. If you can be honest about what is happening for you, change will occur, in time.
I also want to add that I feel for you regarding the hug issue. My first T refused to hug me when I asked and it was devastating. It sounds like she is willing to talk to you about it though, which is a good sign.

[songofthesea]

It sounds like you do feel something if you developed a feeling of anger towards your therapist - did you tell her? We've been doing this too, which has been hard for me, but I've never felt angry with him - just a little confused and frustrated that I'm doing something wrong. Mostly I smile and laugh a lot in sessions and he's trying to reconnect me with 'unresolved pain' which I'm not very adept at doing. I'm essentially paying to waste an hour of my time at the moment.

As for hugs, I'd probably punch him if he tried to hug me, as much as I like and respect him. I'm weird about personal space. One of the (many) reasons I left my previous therapist was because she sat too close to me.

[guilloche]

Oh Retro_Chic, I can sure relate.

For the record, I don't think that you are doing anything wrong at all. I was just reading that anxiety/stress can shut down certain parts of our brain... so that may be part of what's going on...

But also, for some people (including me)... it can take a really long time, and lots of work, to get to that feeling of "safety", where we can be ourselves, be open, be vulnerable, etc with another person in the room.

Is there anything about your T that's making you feel not safe, not heard/seen, or judged? That could contribute too. My last T wanted to be a good, safe place for me, and we worked on it... but the fact that he never really understood what I was telling him kind of blocked me from feeling safe (it's hard to feel safe with someone who fundamentally doesn't seem to understand you). He also, inadvertently, shut down a lot of my emotions (i.e. "you shouldn't be scared of that!") - which really made it impossible to share more emotions with him.

Maybe that's not what your T is doing, but is there something else? It might just take more time... and lots of consistency on her part.

Do you feel like you have access to your feelings after the session is over, when you're home alone? Would it help to do some writing and exploring then, and bring that in to talk about with your T?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I've been in therapy for two years, and I still struggle with this, although it's getting better. So for me, I will have all these strong feelings during the week, be them about T or something else, and by the time I get to session I feel like they're nothing, like I made them up.
I recognise it as a defensive mechanism. I block these things subconsciously because I can't cope with expressing them to another person. I have discussed this with him and recently I have been pushing myself to express them anyway, which has led to frequent dissociation, but I am trying to weather the storm and continue because I feel if I can push myself a little at a time (as much as I can cope with) I will eventually be able to feel spontaneously.
I think the key to it all is communication between you and your therapist. If you can be honest about what is happening for you, change will occur, in time.
I also want to add that I feel for you regarding the hug issue. My first T refused to hug me when I asked and it was devastating. It sounds like she is willing to talk to you about it though, which is a good sign.

Thanks for this . I try to make myself express the things I've been feeling between sessions too but I guess I just thought I would have made more progress by now. I try to honest with my T about what is going on and we have talked about these issues often so hopefully that will help.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by songofthesea

It sounds like you do feel something if you developed a feeling of anger towards your therapist - did you tell her? We've been doing this too, which has been hard for me, but I've never felt angry with him - just a little confused and frustrated that I'm doing something wrong. Mostly I smile and laugh a lot in sessions and he's trying to reconnect me with 'unresolved pain' which I'm not very adept at doing. I'm essentially paying to waste an hour of my time at the moment.

As for hugs, I'd probably punch him if he tried to hug me, as much as I like and respect him. I'm weird about personal space. One of the (many) reasons I left my previous therapist was because she sat too close to me.

Thanks for your reply.
I did talk to T about the anger I was feeling and we had a pretty in depth discussion about it all. I usually don't feel anger towards my T though because I turn it in on myself... something else we are working on.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Oh Retro_Chic, I can sure relate.

For the record, I don't think that you are doing anything wrong at all. I was just reading that anxiety/stress can shut down certain parts of our brain... so that may be part of what's going on...

But also, for some people (including me)... it can take a really long time, and lots of work, to get to that feeling of "safety", where we can be ourselves, be open, be vulnerable, etc with another person in the room.

Is there anything about your T that's making you feel not safe, not heard/seen, or judged? That could contribute too. My last T wanted to be a good, safe place for me, and we worked on it... but the fact that he never really understood what I was telling him kind of blocked me from feeling safe (it's hard to feel safe with someone who fundamentally doesn't seem to understand you). He also, inadvertently, shut down a lot of my emotions (i.e. "you shouldn't be scared of that!") - which really made it impossible to share more emotions with him.

Maybe that's not what your T is doing, but is there something else? It might just take more time... and lots of consistency on her part.

Do you feel like you have access to your feelings after the session is over, when you're home alone? Would it help to do some writing and exploring then, and bring that in to talk about with your T?

Thanks for this.
My T is super understanding empathetic so it is not like she is doing anything to make me feel unsafe but I still have a lot of trouble expressing myself spontaneously.

I do write things down after the session and bring it with me to the next one to share with T which does help. I guess I just have to keep trying and eventually it will pay off.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thanks for the reply!
I wrote another thread about the silence a while ago and didn't want to go into again because my post would be super long. Basically though, I did want T to "rescue me".

I'm wondering now though if more silences could actually be helpful. I mean not for 20mins but maybe just 5mins so I can have a bit of time to absorb what is happening. I might suggest that to T. I usually write down the stuff I want to talk about and read it to T so we don't usually have any extended silences. I still have fears of looking stupid and stuff like that which I have spoken to T about a number of times.

Yes, why not have more silences. I like them because it feels like total acceptance in that silent connection. You could say, I'd like to be quiet fir a few minutes. Of course, be prepared to talk about wanting that

Be careful not to use the silence as a time of censoring your thoughts. That wouldn't be helpful. It's not always easy, but just say whatever comes to mind... in therapy we can talk about anything and everything.