[growlycat]

As I start my search for new therapists, this is the time where I can best have a sharp eye for good or bad T traits. Once attachment starts I don't see things clearly. I get way too attached and see the therapist in a distorted way.

It sounds like some of you have much more balanced attachment to your T's. You are fond of them but it doesn't feel like death if you have to part ways. How do you do that? Is is the difference of having a significant other in your life? Did you have a healthy sense of attachment already and that wasn't what you are working on?

I think I'm doing therapy wrong. Leaving a relative stranger shouldn't hurt this much. Wondering what I should do differently next time.

[atisketatasket]

I'm not sure how much you can control such things. Don't think it's anything to do with a significant other, given some stories on here.

I guess I would say for me every therapy relationship I have entered has had a finite end point at the very beginning - college therapist, I was graduating soon, Nos. 1 and 2, I knew I'd be moving for work at the end of the year, No. 3, I knew I'd be moving back home within 6 months. It made it easier to see them as temporary help or something, and I don't miss any of them and don't expect to miss No. 3. But it would be very hard to mimic that when you are settled in one place and I assume you want to see someone for a while.

But while the pain and distortion are bad things, maybe the underlying attachment is not? Does it help you in therapy, do you think? (Again, overall, not just based on what you're feeling now.). The distortion, since you know about it, you can monitor now.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

But while the pain and distortion are bad things, maybe the underlying attachment is not? Does it help you in therapy, do you think? (Again, overall, not just based on what you're feeling now.). The distortion, since you know about it, you can monitor now.

I find therapy not only useful, but it helps me greatly and has saved my life. So in general it is "worth it" but in my current state I just wonder if there is a way to keep the attachment in perspective while in the throes of it.
Maybe therapy makes me produce crazy amounts of oxytocin or something. It fees drug like and unrealistic but so intoxicating. I am just wondering if that's a side effect or part of what makes therapy work.

I worry that I need to be super critical and choosy with the next T. A bad T could completely take advantage of someone like me, who craves that sense of love whether it is real or not.

I knew it was unlikely that I would see CBT forever as I've moved for jobs before.

It's like my dog died and I want to run out and get a new puppy without grieving properly. But with all of this change I really need support. Feeling lost

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have my fiance, yet still have an attachment to my current T and had a deep attachment to ex-T. I actually loved ex-T more than my fiance... But that was probably because there was a lot of dv at that time. Now I love my fiance, but don't love my T. Much more balanced.

Just because you had a deep attachment once, doesn't mean you always will. I thought I would always have maternal transference with women, but I guess I got over that?

I know not many people agree with my T's ways, but it's different so it may work. Mayve work with a new T on termination early on. That way you know the relationship will end and you can learn how to cope with those feelings before the day comes.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm not sure there is a recipe for this, but if you do get attached it is important to have a therapist who understands it and is able to work with it. Have you ever tried seeing an integrative therapist? They use a variety of approaches rather than just one. They don't believe in the single theory approach, which means that they will tailor their approach to suit the individual client's needs.

Integrative therapy

Both my university therapist and my private therapist are integrative. I am not someone who attaches easily, so I'm not particularly attached to my private therapist, but I am extremely attached to the other one because I love her. Luckily she understands attachment, and has used it as a tool for healing, as well as loving me back and not being afraid to express it.

The funny thing is that I instantly found my private therapist very agreeable, and went for her without interviewing any others. I felt comfortable. With my uni therapist I actually spent the first few sessions feeling a bit scared because I had never met anyone like her before, but I'm pretty sure the main thing I was afraid of was love. And my uni therapist has helped me a lot more than my private therapist has, including all the bumps along the way. Sometimes it helps to feel like something is real, rather than "professional" and seemingly without faults.

Either way, they have both been good for me, because they have adjusted their approach to me based on what they have observed about me, but they have also seemed very open to hear my input on how I am feeling about it. I think the main advantage of the integrative approach is that it is less rigid, because these therapists don't subscribe to just one single theory. It makes them flexible and I believe they are much easier to work with compared to others; I would be wary of a strictly psychodynamic therapist, for example. My uni therapist has used psychodynamic techniques on me, but there have always been other techniques in the mix.

If you are worried about attachment, maybe it would also help to do a bit more research on the various theories and approaches of therapy? It has helped me at times, as I like knowing exactly what is being "done to" me, if that makes sense. You can read about all the different types of therapy on that website I linked to above, if you want to; it is a very useful guide to understanding what the therapists are doing and how it works. Sometimes it helps just to stay aware of the process.

Good luck!

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I'm not sure there is a recipe for this, but if you do get attached it is important to have a therapist who understands it and is able to work with it. Have you ever tried seeing an integrative therapist? They use a variety of approaches rather than just one. They don't believe in the single theory approach, which means that they will tailor their approach to suit the individual client's needs.

Integrative therapy

Both my university therapist and my private therapist are integrative. I am not someone who attaches easily, so I'm not particularly attached to my private therapist, but I am extremely attached to the other one because I love her. Luckily she understands attachment, and has used it as a tool for healing, as well as loving me back and not being afraid to express it.

The funny thing is that I instantly found my private therapist very agreeable, and went for her without interviewing any others. I felt comfortable. With my uni therapist I actually spent the first few sessions feeling a bit scared because I had never met anyone like her before, but I'm pretty sure the main thing I was afraid of was love. And my uni therapist has helped me a lot more than my private therapist has, including all the bumps along the way. Sometimes it helps to feel like something is real, rather than "professional" and seemingly without faults.

Either way, they have both been good for me, because they have adjusted their approach to me based on what they have observed about me, but they have also seemed very open to hear my input on how I am feeling about it. I think the main advantage of the integrative approach is that it is less rigid, because these therapists don't subscribe to just one single theory. It makes them flexible and I believe they are much easier to work with compared to others; I would be wary of a strictly psychodynamic therapist, for example. My uni therapist has used psychodynamic techniques on me, but there have always been other techniques in the mix.

If you are worried about attachment, maybe it would also help to do a bit more research on the various theories and approaches of therapy? It has helped me at times, as I like knowing exactly what is being "done to" me, if that makes sense. You can read about all the different types of therapy on that website I linked to above, if you want to; it is a very useful guide to understanding what the therapists are doing and how it works. Sometimes it helps just to stay aware of the process.

Good luck!

Thank you for this. I am already worried that where I am moving, therapy comes in two flavors-- religious-based and secular. I would love an integrative therapist and I will be on the lookout. In my initial search it has been hard finding even my basic criteria for a T. I worry about looking for someone too specific. (I want a unicorn but a pony may have to do)

My last two T's had strong leanings but ended up being more flexible than I originally thought they would be.

I will read up on the link-thank you!!

[feralkittymom]

Given where you are right now, I think your feelings about attachment are selective. If therapy has been working for you, then maybe you don't need to worry so much about it. Most attachment is unconscious, so I think trying to control/avoid/temper it is kind of fruitless and probably not therapeutic as it seems tied to the very issues that are problematic. Focus on finding a qualified and skilled T and let the attachment issue take care of itself. You also are lucky in that you have "Sparky" (I always felt a lot of affection in your nickname for him!) to help you initiate the search, and your long time T to check in with during any therapy as a safeguard against getting stuck in unhelpful therapy.

While it may feel painful and scary now, your attachment to Sparky and your recognition of it isn't a bad thing. As the pain fades, the warmth that will remain is a very good thing.

[MobiusPsyche]

For me, the only real change happened with the two T's I developed attachment for/with. The others I saw just helped with symptom management and reality testing, although that might be what you want at a particular point in time.

[Argonautomobile]

Maybe you should see a therapist you don't like?

Haha, I'm actually only half-kidding about that. When I read accounts on here about instant rapport, intense rapport, or, well, rapport in general, it often freaks the HELL out of me. There was a part of me that always wondered if I was doing therapy wrong--or if the fit was bad--because I didn't feel that way about my therapist. The rest of me knows I would RUN if I began to feel intensely about a T.

Maybe it's the unhealthy avoid-er in me speaking right now, but sometimes I feel incredibly grateful that I didn't and don't have a mystically, intensely good rapport with my T. It sounds painful as hell. I didn't even like my T when I first met him. I thought he was an idiot. I only stuck with it because I didn't have the energy to do anything else.

A year and a half later, I'm fond of my T. Fonder probably than the situation really warrants, but it's not because he really "gets" me or knows me or understands me better than anyone else. He tries to, which I respect about him. I think he's a good therapist and could list the reasons why. I think he's smart and can be funny. He's been helpful.

I don't know. What do you think would happen if you saw a T you didn't really like that much? Would the attachment develop, anyway? Is the attachment an important part for you, and therapy wouldn't be helpful, otherwise?

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Maybe you should see a therapist you don't like?

.

Haha! You may be onto something!!

However in the past I've had awful T's that I hated but couldn't switch (I was still a teen) that was worse than being too attached.

I've had bad-fit therapists that I got so attached to that separating was painful but so was staying.

With Sparky, I didn't entirely have a positive view of him in the beginning. I thought he was a little too Tony Robbins for my taste, and charming in a way that comes off as untrustworthy. Yet I crushed hard for him in time. Some of that love is based on real stuff-- being cared for and helped by another person. Some is crazy pants transference.

It is something to think about!

[retro_chic]

I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" way to do therapy. I have intense feelings of attachment towards my T but at the same time I am scared of opening up to her. I have noticed a similar pattern in other relationships I've had so it is important that I work through this with my T. My T is psychodynamic which has been good for me as she is willing to talk in depth about my attachment issues rather than gloss over it and focus on symptoms like previous Ts. It is painful but I believe necessary if I want to move forward and have better relationships I the future.

i dont attach well to people actually i dont really attach exactly i find out if i can trust them or not but i tend to avoid attaching it hurts in any degree with my psychologist it has never been a problem because i still dont fully trust him i am getting there but also i always go into these situations with the idea that there will be an ending so i never assume i will be able to see them forever so i never get that attached.

[Ellahmae]

I can only tell you my experience. Last I talked about attachment and it's intensity to my T what I garnered was this: Work through it. My T is a re-parenting T so she will and is working through it with me. There is a time when at first I was attached, just a passing normal "I like you" kind of attachment. For the past several months I've been in a "I'm going to die if I don't speak to you everyday" type. I asked her about this. She explained it as I'm learning things but don't trust myself, I need her help (as much as I hate it) I feel like a baby who needs their mother even for the simplest tasks. Because I never had a mother, and that's T's role for me right now. I don't know if this applies to you at all. T said that we would eventually move forward out of this as long as we work together in it no matter how long it takes one day I'll be ready to fly out of the mama's nest and need her less. So honestly, I think the key is talking about it, working through it, and if you have attachment issues finding a T that will be that kind of T for you.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It sounds like some of you have much more balanced attachment to your T's. You are fond of them but it doesn't feel like death if you have to part ways. How do you do that? Is is the difference of having a significant other in your life? Did you have a healthy sense of attachment already and that wasn't what you are working on?

For me, I think it was just time and trust. I don't have a significant other in my life. I don't know if I have a particularly healthy sense of attachment; it's not something I've been overly concerned about. I don't actively work on it. When I first started therapy, I was very wary of attaching to anyone at all, much less my T. Then, when I started to trust her a bit and open up more, I became much more attached to her and I struggled when either of us went on vacation. I was constantly looking for reassurance that she would be there for me. Then, as time went on, I slowly found myself building stronger relationships with friends, and my need to feel attached to my T faded. I trusted that she would be there for me in her role as a therapist. I had experience to back up that trust. I think I had to learn to trust someone in a safe environment before I could build solid relationships with others. Once I was able to build those solid relationships, the therapy relationship didn't seem so all consuming.

I'm still attached to T, as I am to all people that I give my trust to. I'll probably miss her when I eventually stop seeing her. I genuinely like her as a person, respect her as a therapist, and am grateful for the help she's provided. But, I doubt it will be traumatic to leave her when it's time.

[Twistedfate22]

I think it's maybe because that "stranger" isn't a stranger at all. They are a human who has helped you. They are a friend. Sure not like a traditional friend... There are professional boundaries and a business relationship but they are there for you like a friend would be. Or just drop the labels and say they are simply another human who has helped you. So of course you can feel sad if you part with them. Maybe others just cope better because they feel more confident knowing they will find someone else based on their life experiences (less insecurity in this area) or maybe they weren't as connected or maybe they are just in a better place emotionally having had therapy so they don't "need" it as much. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think you are lucky you had that connection to begin with, and it's normal to feel sad but you have to cope with it. Maybe talk to your next t about that?

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I think I'm doing therapy wrong. Leaving a relative stranger shouldn't hurt this much. Wondering what I should do differently next time.

Is it possible that rather you doing therapy wrong, therapy is doing you wrong? Is paying to get hurt a fair exchange? Just playing devil's advocate...

Originally Posted by growlycat

Maybe therapy makes me produce crazy amounts of oxytocin or something. It fees drug like and unrealistic but so intoxicating. I am just wondering if that's a side effect or part of what makes therapy work.

I had this feeling too. I liken this aspect of it to the palliative effects of a powerful drug. But if it's palliative, doesn't that mean you have to keep going back for more?