[Nikki2000]

i feel stupid for not having posted this before, but i am gay... and i am totally in love in my therapist.... i mean she is my fantasy woman... by sheer coincidence... i think she wants to put it all down to transference or whatever ya know... but by some weird twist of fate i have ended up with a therapist who embodies my wildest fantasies...

i am 33 she is 53... the ultimate sexy older woman... self assured, successful... beautiful beyond words... sex, attraction, is something i avoid talking about, i have no good reason for that... but this week she has pushed it... she knows i love her... am totally in love with her... and its been a major source of comfort that she seems to accept that... she says she is lucky to have my love... that she respects that... and will look after my feelings....

but what i have a hard time conveying to her is what it feels like to love someone who is, in cold hard reality, completely out of reach... we had a great session yesterday... we felt so close... and i know she thinks that i will go away feeling positive and uplifted... and i do... but what i find the hardest to explain... is that loving someone who is always going to be out of your reach... hurts... its hurts like hell...

in the 3 years i have been seeing T i haven’t given a great deal of thought to her husband... her other half, the one she gets to “go home to”... but today i have been a jealous wreck... on Wednesday i told her i wanted to take her out to dinner... “and then what?” she said “we might end up in bed” i said...

she always upholds her professional boundaries... but she does it in a sensitive and caring way... she understands my loneliness... my love for her... and i appreciate her understanding more than i can say... but at the end of the day... here i am, alone... and there she is... with him... it kills me...

how do you get past that?? how do you have this person in your life from whom you want everything... and yet can have nothing.... physically... when i feel this much emotional pain i want T to be there... to wrap me up in her arms and make the pain go away... and yet she is the cause of this pain... i feel so confused... i hate that i have let myself get this attached... that now whatever happens she will break my heart...

some days i can just be grateful to have her in my life... and others i wonder what the hell i am doing??? it feels like the most impossible situation... i know that being in love with your T is not unusual... do any of you feel this way?? and how do you handle it? day after day, week after week...? i feel lost tonight... therapy sure is hard... but i wouldn’t give it up for anything... crazy...???

[amuseable]

Nikki you sound just like me! The feelings you are having are ones I have so struggled with in therapy. From what I understand others sometimes have this struggle but to varying degrees. I have found it absolutely brutal and wrenching and devastating to sit in front of this T week after week, loving him as much as I do, knowing he'll never be mine. NEVER. Sometimes I almost hate him because he gets all this love from us patients (and his wife, etc.) and I am so alone and probably always will be. He represents everything my heart aches for but probably will never have.
But it is not his "fault". This is what therapy does ... in the therapeutic relationship our most central, our deepest, soul and heart and mind wounds are laid bare. The pain is intense and we crave the comfort of our T to help us cope with it. We see T as being the ONE who will finally love and heal us. We have been waiting all of our lifetime for this ...
But T cannot do more than be a holding, caring environment in which we experience (and decide what to do with) the most profound pain we know. That pain has been warping us in our lives for so long. Therapy brings it to a head so it cannot be ignored and not dealt with anymore. Sometimes I feel that if more therapy patients knew this they would not ever start therapy at all! It is a daunting but oh so worthwhile process and task though! It feels like agony sometimes and other times it feels like ecstasy. Not for the faint of heart! Sometimes i swear I just cannot do it anymore. ((((Nikki)))

[Nikki2000]

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amuseable said:
It feels like agony sometimes and other times it feels like ecstasy. Not for the faint of heart!

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so SO true...! thank you so much for your reply... i know deep in my heart this is how it "should" be... i think i will come out of this experience a stronger person... more able to cope with life... but there is an element of this relationship, this love, from which i will never recover... and i think overall i am grateful for that... i am grateful to open myself up to such strong feelings... to feel safe... appreciated... for probably the first time in my life...

nothing will take that away... its something i shall hold on to forever... and you are right... i think if many people knew how therapy can feel... they wouldnt do it... but for me... i will never regret it...

tough night... tough waiting 4 days til i see T again... i think i will try to write some of this down to read to her... sometimes just having these feelings heard is enough to make them so much more managable...

thank you again for your reply... knowing i am not alone in feeling this way is a major comfort... take care... have a great weekend... Nikki x

[LittleMouse]

Nikki I can sooooooo understand your feelings for your therapist as I seem to struggle with similar feelings myself. I would not say that I am in love with my therapist but I do love him a great deal and struggle with wanting him "in my life" in more ways than therapy allows. He is so great and I just can't imagine my life without him! Sometimes these feelings are good and sometimes thay make me crazy because I know he can't "be in my life" like I want him to. I ache for him sometimes...not in a sexual sense, but in a person to person sense. He is everything I would seek in a friend and I want him to be my friend so badly but know that he is not and never will be. The thoughts of one day loosing him makes me so sad that I don't know how I will ever deal with termination issues when the time comes. I too have mixed feelings about this love! On the one hand it feels great to love someone like this but on the other it hurts so bad sometimes that I wonder if it was ever worth it to start with. But I have come to accept these conflicting feelings and try to remember that he will always be a part of me long after out relationship is overwith. Not easy to do, but I try to keep things in perspective.

Nikki, You ask how do you get past that? I guess its like how a child gradually grows from wanting to be around "mum" all the time, to wanting to venture out alone. WIth the right guildence and nuturing this will happen.

[Nikki2000]

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LittleMouse said:
and try to remember that he will always be a part of me long after out relationship is overwith.

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LittleMouse, thank so much for your reply, i know from your past posts you struggle with these feelings in a similar way that i do...

i think the last few days have just been particularly difficult for a number of reasons and the hardships of the therapeutic relationship always hit me so much harder when i am already down...

but like you said above... i do try and remember that T will be with me forever... in my heart... and that is certainly a gift i will treasure as long as i live...

best wishes Nikki x

[Nikki2000]

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mouse_ said:
Nikki, You ask how do you get past that? I guess its like how a child gradually grows from wanting to be around "mum" all the time, to wanting to venture out alone. WIth the right guildence and nuturing this will happen.

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i know you are right, Mouse... it always amazes me how wildly i can jump from knowing i will get past this, i will eventually survive without T, to not knowing it at all...

i guess in time those wild jumps from one extreme to another get smaller... and things become easier... i do believe that will happen... i just lose sight of it sometimes!

thank you for your reply. Best wishes Nikki x