New boundaries implemented

I know how difficult it is to flip my perception of someone I presumed my guide and advocate. It was painful to realize they were a burden and antagonist. But finally it was a relief, and far less draining, to distance from them.

Sounds like a nutcase. Think you might need to find a new T.

And if you break a rule and the next session is cancelled, do you still have to pay?

Your situation and feelings remind me a little of a situation I once was in, but I'm too triggered to elaborate right now. I'll try again tomorrow. For now,

I don't know, she didn't talk about that. I am guessing I wouldn't have to pay. Just a guess.

On the question of leaving the current T and finding a new one… In my experience, leaping from one therapist with whom there has been a rupture or a traumatic ending to another therapist can be hazardous. I found it was a good time to question the whole paradigm.

It is possible to leave an abusive therapist and move on to find a good one. You have gained experience from this first round, and even though it didn't work out in the end it was valuable because you learned things from it, like what you want from a relationship and what your emotional needs are. Life is going to be full of relationships that don't last, for a variety of reasons. That doesn't mean you should give up.

I hope you find the sort of therapist you deserve - a competent, mentally healthy, self-aware and emotionally available one!

I am concerned that there may be another unknown-to-you boundary violation in the future and t will terminate without discussion. It seems like this might be the next step for her, given her treatment of you now. Then you will have invested even more time and money in this t relationship and perhaps be hurt even more.

I feel bad for you that leaving will be really hard, staying will be really hard. Take care.

It can be very, very helpful. I did this and it was the best decision I ever made. I'm still with T2 and it's been nearly two years. I am very pleased to have him.

Same in my experience. I am very happy that I left my old T after a period when we had mostly useless conflicts and clashes, and found the current one. It was not easy to end it with the old one and took a few rounds, but a very good decision. I did learn from the difficulties with former T but it was not necessary to continue it.

I didn't leave ex-T, she left me. But I am glad I found another T to help me with the loss of ex-T. It's been extremely helpful.

What about trying seeing a new T to discuss leaving old T? At least for a session or two for support. Just a thought. Sending you gentle care.

I started with my EMDR T after being retraumatised by an abysmal T and it was very positive and healing . It was also acknowledged that much damage had been done so it was partly having therapy for bad therapy. Like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire if the following T is a problematic though. I can understand the feelings of attachment though the dynamic has become toxic ( I'm doing it with a friend not a T though. ) How are you doing now Myrto - has it helped to process a little or do you have thoughts on how you might proceed ?

Understood. It can also be very, very damaging as in my experience. This is not something I see discussed much. The risk associated with being in a heightened state of vulnerability and desperation and seeking validation from a total stranger who has a vested interest in avoiding certain aspects of a prior damaging therapy experience… not trivial.

I have been so saddened and disturbed by the way your therapist has treated you. What, in any of this, is therapeutic? My therapist only has two rules, one of which is, "No wrecking anything in my office." (That has not happened, btw, it's just one of her 2 rules.) The other is a safety measure for me. I have many more rules for her. It's baffling and painful to see how you are being treated in this. Are you sure you can't leave this? It's not a loss of years for you if you do. It's a gain.

Oh definitely. That's what I was thinking. Isn't this a bit pathetic that I need therapy for therapy though? Thanks.

Yes , I agree this can potentially be very damaging. Not to hijack Myrto's thread but to discuss this. I got pushed very close to the edge by the damaging T and if I'd had a further damaging experience I fear I might have very well have gone over it. Fortunately I did get the help I needed and good understanding and aftercare. But I was aware in my original post that that has not been everyone's experience ( and the aftermaths we see here ). It is not a trivial matter.

I think it's important to proceed with caution if you choose to go down the route of finding a new T, for the reasons Budfox and Out There have stated.
It took me a long time to trust current T or to be vulnerable with him because I feared him hurting me. And I told him so. Unfortunately, choosing a therapist is a bit of a roll of the dice, but the potential for healing is phenomenal if you are lucky enough to find the right match with an ethical therapist.

Myrto, perhaps my ordeal is a variation of this--though I left a bullying co-therapist, I long feel/felt shame, like I had abandoned some sort of "duty" to him. My emotional bondage almost had a religious/cult overtone.

And like you describe, they weren't particularly smart or helpful. They were a weight on my life.

I'm not particularly sold on the wisdom that understanding the "why" of something can help me break its stranglehold. That said, I believe I was tied to these people emotionally as a child is tied to parents and teachers--seeing them as a source of protection and wisdom, yet paying a price in the form of subordination and obedience to people who didn't deserve it.

But in my case, I didn't receive the better part of the bargain--no wisdom, no solace. They only were liabilities. Yet my subordination meant that I believed their assertions and buried my own.

Ultimately, I had to take action regardless of my resolution of the relationship. I had to leave and pick up the pieces later.

I'd like to second the suggestion to check out a new T BUT with the caveat to not settle for anyone who doesn't seem to understand / validate your issues with your current T.

In leaving my (now former) T, I checked out four Ts in person (and others over email / phone etc), and I found a grand total of one T who has actually been able to not only understand my issues with former T but also have the pitch perfect response when I told her my ugly, confused, painful feelings liberally mixed with loads of dark humor.

The new Ts response has felt so validating (and, in general as well she seems to "get" my particular brand of craziness) that I've found myself getting to a place with her within a couple of sessions that I never managed to reach with former T even after 15 months.

So yeah, I wouldn't say that it's remotely easy to find other Ts (took me 2+ months and numerous sessions with former T to "work it out") who'll support you when you tell them about stuff with your current T -- the standard response I got was that it was largely my stuff and at best, they said that former T may have been "clumsy". So, everyone except this one T said that I'll likely have the same problems with them. It was crazy-making to say the least until I met this T and I really honestly can't believe she's for real (although she's been solidly authentic).

But, if you can kinda grit your teeth and try to find another T, it feels like breathing oxygen for the first time i.e., to find someone who not only "gets" it but actually cares about making an effort to understand you and help you (and not pathologize you).

I thought the same thing about myself. But you are not pathetic. Just wounded.

Me too. T1 knows I'm in therapy with another T to help me through the crap she caused.

Add another therapy victim.

It took me over two years to find the right t after the first one dumped me. i tried out NINE new ones and each was terribly disappointing.
however, the t i have now was totally worth the long and painful wait.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I went through something similar with my former T and I'm currently looking for a new T to deal with the fallout of that. I agree with the above post that you're not pathetic, you're wounded. Take good care of yourself.