I called him today because I was feeling awful. Stayed home from work today. I left him a msg. at 1 PM. After that, I managed to give myself a little push to get some things done.... some cleaning, renewing my auto registration (which I got pulled over for last week and got 3 tickets-- one for failure to renew registration, one for failure to get an inspection, and to go along with that one, failure to get the emissions testing.... I have been so preoccupied with %#@&#! that I totally forgot all of these things). I also stopped by the pet store and the supermarket. After that I didn't feel like doing any cleaning anymore and I started to get increasingly agitated. Couldn't stop moving. Had to take a Klonopin. At around 6 PM, T calls me back. I tell him a couple of things that have been going on. We talk about safety issues, i.e. making sure I get my *** to his office tomorrow at 5 PM and not doing anything stupid tonight. But other than that, he really didn't say much. So I started to hate him. When we hung up the phone I felt 72 times worse than before.

There was no empathy. Sometimes he's so empathic over the phone. There are times in the past in which I have experienced a very deep connection with him over the phone. Not this time.

We have covered this before. I have told him, "You are not the most empathic phone person, but sometimes you are very, very good." He agrees.

When I told him I was so agitated that I couldn't stop moving, he made sound. Sort of like a "pssshhh.." Hard to type a sound over the internet. The sound was really the only empathy that occurred during the conversation. Because it was one of those sounds where if it could talk it would have said, "Wow.... now you're going through that, too? That's %#@&#! hard." So I appreciated the sound. Unless, of course, I'm completely misinterpreting it, and he suddenly had a stuffed nose and was just trying to breathe or something.

There is so much going on in my head right now. Check this out:

-Yesterday I went to Atlantic City with my great aunt. I knew that under no circumstances, did I have the extra money to gamble. I ended up blowing a couple hundred dollars.
- My dad called me today saying that he got a message from Hyundai (because he's the co-owner of my car from when I bought it a few years ago) saying that I was behind on a payment. I have to take care of that tonight.
- I just got a message on my cell phone from my company saying that I am late on a payment.
- Car insurance is due
-All other bills are coming in.
-Gotta get my car inspected then straighten out the stuff with all the tickets I got.

Am I %#@&#! nuts? What am I doing throwing money away in Atlantic City when I am only working part-tme, and have all of these expenses? I just had a very, very close call last week in which my bank account was overdrawn. Luckily I was able to deposit my tax return check, and then got paid the next day... And now I have %#@&#! up again.

I have no impulse control, whatsoever. I have done worse in the last couple of weeks, too, that I haven't even mentioned on here.

So now I see T tomorrow and I hate him. I loved him like, 2 hours ago. The connection, the CD, the "of course I think about you between sessions," the little typed out paragraphs of attachment theory..... And now I hate him.

Borderline character organization? Yeah. I'd think so.

[tranquility]

I just want to tell you that I feel your pain about spending money impulsively! I have already claimed bankrupcy once, my charge cards are up to the hilt because of medical issues, but I still have the urge to spend money.

It's a viscious circle - spend money to feel good and it lasts two seconds then you feel worse.

Your probably projecting your frustration with yourself on T. I know that's what I would do - make it someone else that's making me miserable instead of my own actions.

It's tough and I'm thinking of you.

Tranq

[lauren_helene]

I feel your pain too about impulse control over money. I'm bugging my husband about getting a brand new car...that I really don't need...yet

Pink, phone calls with a T are so hit or miss. It is not face to face so you will naturally analyze any sound you hear.

I remember one time I was on the phone with my T and we were talking about something my dad did that made me go nuts and hastily request my records from T...remember that post?

Anyway, at one point it sounded like he threw his pen down on the desk and he said something about needing to distance myself from dad a little bit and at first I thought 'aw he's mad for me'...

then later my negative self started thinking...or he threw the pen because he's mad at me...is he mad at me...oh no...he's mad at me.

Look for the positive in the call. He does care and if you have misinterpreted him in the past then that could be so now...

Hugs!

(((pink)))

I first wonna say I've read many many of your posts, and I think you're a extremely strong person whether or not you see it. I also want to say,.I feel you..in ways. I've started on my 4th therapist, this time rather then holding back..I through all the deep stuff out first.

What I'm getting at is that its hard for me to feel that my therapist "likes" me because I don't expect them too. I know I'm probably not making much since but in the end your therapist cares becuase you're a loving person whom I love too. Take care friend...your strong.

Dustin

[Irine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
tranquility said:
Your probably projecting your frustration with yourself on T. I know that's what I would do - make it someone else that's making me miserable instead of my own actions.


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interestng thought.

[silentlyscreaming]

Sometimes I feel a lot of anger towards my T after I call her.
In reflection, I think it's because I call her in times of desperation, and I expect her to be my 'rescuer'. I put pressure on her that she could never live up too, therefore, I'm almost always left feeling let down. This may not be the case for you at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
Maybe you could call your T, and discuss your concerns so you can get some clarification and peace of mind.

No, I think you're right, Silently. When I call T it's because I'm desperate to reach out and hold onto something... And since in the past we've had some pretty deep connections over the phone... I always have that expectation now. I tease him because sometimes he really sucks over the phone and sometimes he has a "moment." Yesterday was not a "moment." I'm seeing him at 5 today (keeping soooo busy at work today to make the time pass faster-- NO SLACKING, lol)... and I'm going to discuss this with him.

And as far as projecting my frustration onto him... I do that all the time in session. I will tell him, "YOU'RE FRUSTRATED!" When I'm really the one frustrated with myself. Sometimes, though, he is frustrated. But he will tell me when he is. A lot of times I project my emotions onto him becuase it's easier to identify them as his, or to be angry with him, than recognize and deal with them as my own.

Lots of good responses to this... thank you... helped me to think about it on a deeper level.

[tranquility]

and has helped me remember some of the things I need to work on!