Reparenting ... has it happened to you and how?

I was speaking for myself, so I stand by my personal reaction to being creeped out. It isn't a judgment on others' needs for reparenting as part of their own therapy. Just not for me. We are allowed to express our personal opinions here without it being assumed we are passing judgment on others, right? Particularly when my post very specifically was written in "I" statements.

Just like kids grow up and leave home and don't rely on their parents anymore. They visit, for sure, and in my opinion a T is for life and you can go back if you need to, if times get hard. When a healthy adults parents die, of course they miss them, as I would miss my T if anything happened to her, but they don't normally let it ruin their life.

That is the aim with this type of therapy. To meet those needs, to develop emotionally and be able to move on eventually. I really do think it takes a skilled and generally decent therapist and of course the right type of client.

There's a reason reparenting is controversial. Honestly I don't think you get a do over as an adult to experience parenting. Once you're an adult, that's it. You will never get it. The idea that somehow the therapist would act as a parent strikes me as extremely creepy and unhealthy. It furthers dependence on the part of the client and once the therapeutic relationship ends, what happens to the client? They're once again completely abandoned. I didn't have great parents, they tried their best I guess but it wasn't enough. I'm not angry at them and yes I often wish my T was my mom but this is a fantasy. I know it won't happen. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. That's just my opinion of course.

Reparenting as a term is controversial I think because some people took it to the extremes of bottle feeding, rebirthing and having the client live with them. I think it takes a client with a fairly advanced ego state, who can see reality and who does not want to become dependent. I myself do not want my T to be my mother, I do not want to become dependent on her, I do not want to be rescued. I worked hard to get where I am in life on my own and I don't want or need someone to come in and take all of that away from me. What I do need is someone who genuinely cares, who genuinely believes in me as a human being, who is willing to really get inside and get next to me as I go through this process.

The more I think about it I think a lot of it is actually like 'traditional' therapy, just a little more intense and maybe a little more intimate (in the purely platonic sense of the word, just two individuals becoming psychologically close).

I can see how some would be creeped out by it but maybe a part of that is fear, or maybe part of that is just that it really isn't what some people see would help them. That's entirely individual and of course, each to their own.

What you are describing does indeed sound like traditional therapy but more intense. And you are right: when I pictured reparenting therapy I was in fact thinking about the way it has been practiced in the 70's and 80's with the terrible consequences that we know.

Yeah I agree here. I mean I have my own adult life I like very much.
I guess I'd best explain it as that my T holds a place for me that is outside of time, where all aspects of me are welcome and can seek healing.
Its not a do over. My T isn't going to make me peanut butter. Sandwiches and tuck me in. But she CAN teach me what it feels like to be deeply loved, and that requires accessing some very child like spaces.

I mean, my adult self does not somehow exist apart from those unmet childhood needs.those needs are a driving force in my life whether I acknowledge it or not.

So its not as if I become someone else in T. But I allow myself to be vulnerable in a way I usually am not.

And I DO think it requires a certain attitude as a client. I know who I am. I do not want my T to be my mom. I want my life that I have now, just with out the pain and struggle.
My inner little bay claims ME as my true mother and protector, not my T. I imagine that if I actually wanted her to REALLY be my mother this process could be disastrous. I want aspects of bring parented, not the whole thing. I don't want to go home with her...

You explain it so eloquently BayBrony. I personally took a lot from your posts as support for when I was searching for a new T who would work with me in this way. Both you and my Old T helped me to where I am now and where I am going.

Thank you all so much, this really makes so much sense now.. it clarifies what I was feeling, even though its not something intentional my T was doing , that I know about.. anyways, wasn't anything discussed.. but I have definately internalized all the input and acceptance and safety of my time with T.. into everyday situations and life and its helping immensely instead of listening to the old tapes of negative from unhealthy parents and life growing up ... I can rest in what I am learning and the thoughts that are changing and more healthy now !! Thanks !

my T shows me what a healthy parent-child relationship looks and feels like through our relationship. the goal in this is to learn how to frame my internal parent into the role he has in order to care for myself and my internal child and strengthen the healthy adult part.

my t does this for me. teaches me what a healthy, positive relationship is.

Seems to me one ought to assess the risk associated with embarking on such a thing, beforehand. But how? Therapists usually disclose as little of their true self, their history, their methods as possible. Seems that candidates for the position of Mommy or Daddy v2.0 should be an open book and give a detailed accounting of their qualifications, personal history, neuroses, etc.

I can say from my own experience that never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate the level of dependency and regression that developed and how destructive it would be when it ended. Worst thing I've ever been thru. Sure, it was something else while it was happening, cuz I was lost in the fantasy.

Some DO reveal a lot if info though.
Pretty much every increase in intimacy with my T has been matched by her sharing info I request.
I know about her childhood growing up with a severely disabled brother and how her parents choice to institutionalize him affected her
Her parents divorce, remarriage and the birth of her half siblings.
The ways she both did and did not fit in as a child/teen
Her sexual assault and how it led her to seek counseling
Her own experience in therapy
Her experience with body image issues
Her religious beliefs and reasons behind them
Her philosophy of therapy
Her journey with yoga
Her own divorce and her experience of having step children of her own

I know a lot about her which has certainly allowed this intimacy to develop over time.

They aren't all blank slates

I'm talking about up front before the client has become a helpless dependent and has invested time, money, hope, trust.

I find the whole thing terribly reckless. What happens when the money runs out, or the therapist leaves town, or tires of the client's suffocating neediness, or they are tripped into their own personal madness? The client can be dropped like a bag of rocks. Anytime.

I have a huge lot I could say on this topic.
I have had at least six T's attempt to re- parent me.
They all helped me at the time but had varying degrees of crash endings.

I did need re-parenting. I experienced such trauma in my 0-3 years of life that I most sincerely needed help and loving into being able to exist properly.
My (now recently ex) t was very loving, kind and fatherly to me. I loved it. I appreciated all his kindnesses. But I fear I burned him out.
but even so, the kindness and love and care and hugs and listening and support and educating and mentoring and commitment he showed me, taught me so much and I never got it from my parents so it was desperately needed.

I was vulnerable to mother or father figures all my life. And when I say vulnerable, I mean REALLY terribly dangerously vulnerable. The need in me was so strong that it was like being hypnotised if a likely parent figure came into view. I just was almost star struck with longing and need. But early on, a well known therapist explained to me that OF COURSE I felt this way. I was trying to mend the bit that never got to grow. So he helped me not be ashamed of it and to speak openly of it and my (now ex) T was also okay about me revealing the depth of need and longing.
And I have grown to be able to parent my younger more fragile self now. He taught me how. He did it and I learned. Brilliant. A friend of mine who is a psychologist say that most problems stem from attachment problems in childhood and so building a steady and secure attachment figure as an adult is crucial.

I don't know if my T actually was reparenting me, I mean, he never used that term. But it did feel like it, in the way that Waterbear and BayBrony discribed.

In therapy, I learned what it's like to have someone that's always there for you, that you can depend on, that you can learn from. Someone who is consistent and strong. Someone who believes in you, who helps you grow and build self esteem.

I did not want my T to be my father, although I regularly dreamt of what life would have been like if someone like him would have raised me. I believe I would have been the person I was supposed to be a long time ago, and life might have been a bit easier.

Are they really always there for the client? What if the person runs out of money?

I think those guys can say such a thing without thinking about its implications to some clients.

My T cut my fee to $10 for nearly 2 years after I hit a financial bump. She does not take on more than one case like mine at a time and she will do whatever she can to accommodate my situation.

And I wasn't limited to one session at $10.. I had 3 sessions some weeks. She's serious about it

Some therapists may be able to handle it without resentment. Some others are incapable of doing so.

Baybrony... thats great she does that for you!! I had one t a few years back, I was her probono for about 6 months when I ran out of my victimes board funds that were paying. she only did one as well, then we went up to 45.00 a sesssion after the 6 months, because I couldn't do it for that long, I think that was her limit per person .. She wasn't the best T.. and more like a friend than parent.. so I didn't continue seeing her but I do think its great how some T's will really go above and beyond. Yours sounds amazing!

For me (dealing with childhood abuse in therapy) my T is re-parenting me in terms of being a witness to my story, validating my experience, helping me deal with the aftereffects, etc. We are working on some attachment issues as well. I feel (in a sense) she is helping me 'grow up' - or helping that child part of me grow up and resolve some of those issues that I wasn't able to with my own mother. It's been helpful for me, though I can see how, taken too far, it could cause more problems than it could help.

my T only charges me $25 each session... a 75% reduction of his normal rate. we discussed my financial situation/problems when he resigned at the treatment center i was at. he offered the low fee, and its been 25$ for over 2 years now...twice a week..until i finish school and am able to pay him more (which i want to do, he deserves it)

Junkdna.. your t sounds amazing, from all your posts!!