Working through it.

I have been opening up to my T about my Mum recently, as well as a few other things. I have been through a whole range of thoughts and feelings over the past year but after our last session I have been feeling lighter, as if I have turned a corner. I have never really given that saying much thought before but it really feels like that, like it is still there but it isn't right behind me now. The hard and difficult thoughts that is. This is so hard to describe but I know how it feels, and that is huge for me.

Last session we looked at a picture I had drawn of my Mum as a faceless person wearing a helmet, with angel wings and a sword, surrounded by fire; representing the wariness I had around a woman I didn't know, didn't recognise, who had her own struggles and who only ever conveyed her love for God, who I believe had wanted to be with him for a while.

As I was describing all of this and looking at the picture I remember thinking 'but how on earth is talking to you about it going to help, it doesn't change what it was, it doesn't make it any different'. Well, today it does feel different. It feels as if I have mostly let go of that. I am sure that there will be times where I feel like I am right back there but for the first time in an awfully long time I can see brightness. As we were walking out at the end, T said some stuff and I think it was about this very thing. That the past will always be there, but it doesn't have to drag me down, it doesn't have to be there all of the time.

I have a lot of other things to work through and if each one can be worked through then I have a lot of hope for the future. I could actually become someone. That's a crazy idea.

I think sometimes just telling your story to a compassionate witness helps release those burdens. I'm glad you can see the light. May it carry on!

Yes. It starts off feeling like a ball of wire. And ends up feeling like a well plotted road map.

I have felt the exact same way Waterbear. For the first few years of my therapy I couldn't even talk about my mam because I felt as though I was betraying her. Her power over me was still so strong that I felt like I needed to protect her very core. With this t I have begun the process of unraveling our dynamics together. My t has suggested my mother has a personality disorder. It makes perfect sense now after all of these years but when t said it I wanted to deny it and for to apologise for saying that but she kept binging me back to what I had told her about my mother. She really listened to what I wasn't telling her and heard everything. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders to not be responsible for my mothers happiness anymore. I really hope you can coming with your own healing Waterbear it's hard to see things in our mothers that we don't want to see or hear. I wondered how talking would help too but it's not just the talking it's the validation and the empathy too, take care!

Thanks Mona, and I appreciate you telling me some of your story. It has been hard for me because I have also been dealing with the grief of losing her and the guilt that I didn't make more of an effort to repair our relationship before it was too late. Lots of mixed up feelings and thoughts but as Mouse said, it is starting to unravel itself and as you say, it has felt like a weight off my shoulders today. I hope it continues. Thank you.

Somethings take two people to fix it and sometimes our parents can't and won't try or accept responsibility for their parts in it. Could you possibly let go of some of this, you seem to be taking all of the responsibility and guilt, it's not all yours to burden yourself with.
Please take care of yourself, this is hard work you are doing.

I lost my mom to suicide many years ago.
Only in last few years I've been dealing with those feelings in therapy.
I can relate to the power of just being heard.

Being heard is such a new experience for me and you are right, it is powerful. I think I have started to release some of that guilt, and it is helping. One step at a time, and with my T by my side, I can see a future and that is so good to see. Thanks.

I'm so glad that you're making progress. It's so nice to hear positive results from therapy. I hope it continues for you.

My ex-ex-T helped me with my relationship with my mom too. My mom is still around, so I was able to work things out with her. We went from hating each other to being close friends. The past still comes up for me sometimes, but I just remind myself that it's the past not the present.

I hope I can release some of the shame about my secret when I talk to T this week. Even though I worked through my issues with my mom, I still can't see how it's possible to heal some from my secret. But I have to try, right? Nothing will change if I don't change what I'm doing.