[ScrewedUpMe]

I think I've blown it with T. Or rather this is just not going to end well.

T has been there recently for me in a crisis but ever since, she just feels unavailable. I haven't had regular appointments for months and haven't seen T since the beginning of August because I live so far away, but we were doing ad hoc phone sessions when I needed them. T has always said to email if I needed to and this has always been a big part of my therapy. Recently I have just sensed T has been too busy for me. Her replies have become much less reliable, as in I could be waiting 4 days for a response, which is not normal for her. It's happened a couple of times in a row now. And I'm not doing well at all, which is why I have been reaching out to her. Last Friday I asked her for an appointment, she said she'd get back to me and keep emailing if it was helpful (although she would be away for the weekend but would try her best to pick up emails). I emailed later on Friday with some troubling thoughts I had been having. I got no response. This morning (Tuesday) I emailed again and asked if she got my mail from Friday. 2 hours later still nothing. I then had to tell her how much stress and anxiety this is all causing me, not knowing really which days she does and doesn't work anymore, if and when I might get a response to emails etc. I feel that she tries too hard and makes promises that she can't live up to. And that hurts me more. The agony I go through waiting for her response is unbearable. This time it was 4 days until I even got an answer regarding an appointment time.

In the meantime I have got so worked up about it all. T replied with apologies and a whole list of her schedule offering appointments on a day I can't do at all. She also said she has family commitments as her daughter (who I am so jealous of) is getting married and she is busy planning the wedding. I responded with a very honest email about how I feel she is becoming less available and it panics me and that I know she is going to leave me eventually and so I feel the best way to cope is to end it my way before she does and leaves me devastated.

I said that I can't deal with the irregularity of everything, that I need security and boundaries and that I'm not getting that. And that I now feel like I have become too much of a burden for her and I have screwed it all up.

T responded and said I haven't screwed up and that I'm asking for what I want and need and that is a good thing. She then offered to talk about it to try to find a way around it.

I don't know what to do. I have said that I may consider finding a more local therapist, that's it's not what I want but may be what I have to do to ease this anxiety. I honestly don't know what to do. T tends to make promises alot and try and go the extra mile for me but then fails to achieve it which then leaves me devastated and feeling like she has forgotten me or doesn't care.

I am so stuck. Deep down I feel this is not good and not right for me and will only cause me more pain in the long run. T has always said that even if she retired, she could still see me. I don't trust that. She tends to blurt things out that she sometimes then retracts. I can't rely on that. Has anyone else had this end in a good way? T has been really maternal towards me and that has been so good for me, but how can it be good when it will be taken away one day and out of my control?? I'm struggling so much with a painful decision. Any advice much appreciated, even if it's harsh. I need to hear it. Thanks.

[growlycat]

I'm sorry you are going through this and your t has become inconsistent. Can you keep seeing her but start to interview local t's?

[Inner_Firefly]

This sounds very painful and hard. Have you had a chance to tell her everything you said here, face to face, so that you can read her expression to see if she truly hears you? And so that she can respond and you can get clarity about what she's really thinking? She sounds like she means well, maybe if you tell her in person, she'll really see how much this hurts you.

[Teddy:)]

Sorry that you are feeling this way! Could you email your T and explain how you are feeling? Not making excuses for your T but maybe she is unaware of how you are feeling and how some of her actions are causing you pain and by bringing it to her attention it may help! I wouldn't go accusing her of anything I would merely explain how I had been feeling and ask whether she felt the same way. Her response would give you a clear idea as to whether its time to move on or she is wanting to understand and continue to work with you. Its hard but it will just eat away at you if you don't say anything and it will impact your therapy unconsciously, so I think its important to talk to her about it all! Judging by your T's response of saying you hadn't screwed up and that she appreciates you asking for what you need, I think she will welcome your honesty!

[kecanoe]

I understand not trusting that t will deliver and the pain that comes with non-delivery. Being who I am, I would try to work it out, find a time when I could see t face to face and see what can be worked out.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I'm sorry you are going through this and your t has become inconsistent. Can you keep seeing her but start to interview local t's?

Thank you. I guess I could, but right now I don't feel like I can even face seeing or continuing with T. I am in turmoil. I have been seeing her for 10 years so this is so upsetting.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Thank you. I guess I could, but right now I don't feel like I can even face seeing or continuing with T. I am in turmoil. I have been seeing her for 10 years so this is so upsetting.

I'm so sorry, this sounds very hurtful

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

This sounds very painful and hard. Have you had a chance to tell her everything you said here, face to face, so that you can read her expression to see if she truly hears you? And so that she can respond and you can get clarity about what she's really thinking? She sounds like she means well, maybe if you tell her in person, she'll really see how much this hurts you.

I haven't seen T face to face for months. I agree though that I would get more of a feel for her genuine reaction if I was there in person. And yes, she does mean well. Too well infact. Part of me thinks I just need to suck it up and trust her. Trust that when she is more available again (as in less family commitments) she will have more time for between session contact. And to just be grateful that she even allows out of session contact.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Teddy:)

Sorry that you are feeling this way! Could you email your T and explain how you are feeling? Not making excuses for your T but maybe she is unaware of how you are feeling and how some of her actions are causing you pain and by bringing it to her attention it may help! I wouldn't go accusing her of anything I would merely explain how I had been feeling and ask whether she felt the same way. Her response would give you a clear idea as to whether its time to move on or she is wanting to understand and continue to work with you. Its hard but it will just eat away at you if you don't say anything and it will impact your therapy unconsciously, so I think its important to talk to her about it all! Judging by your T's response of saying you hadn't screwed up and that she appreciates you asking for what you need, I think she will welcome your honesty!

Thank you, I think you are right. I did draft a really long email to T explaining how she has a tendency to say things that she then retracts and that I am worried about her promising me things that she can't do, such as continuing to see me after retirement. I left it in my draft folder and am now glad I didn't send it yet. Because I'm wondering whether this is just a part of therapy and that since in other ways she is a fantastic therapist, I just need to learn to deal with her inconsistencies and appreciate what I have with her. And just try my hardest to trust that she won't let me down in the long run. Trust is a massively difficult thing for me so maybe it's just something I have to learn.

[ScrewedUpMe]

T has been sending me emails saying she is worried about me and asking what she can do to help. She said she will always endeavour to see me, speak to me and support me either now or in the future and that if I choose more local therapy, her door will always be open for me. And to let her know if a more regular appointment on a Thursday afternoon would be helpful.

I responded by saying that I can't process my thoughts and feelings at the moment and don't really know what I want or need. The thing is, she told me in an email a few days ago that she has nothing available at the moment on a Thursday. The next thing, she suddenly can see me on a Thursday. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be the one that puts her out, that takes away some of her free time. Or is that just ungrateful?

T then sent another email saying she is concerned for my wellbeing and she asked if I need to see my doctor, if she can help me find more local therapy or if an appointment next week with her would help.

I didn't reply yesterday. This morning I got another email from T saying she doesn't want to bombard me with emails but that she wants me to know she is concerned and to not hesitate to contact her if she can help.

I feel that she cares about me. I really do. But don't know whether I need to point out her inconsistencies regarding her availability and how her not replying quick enough to my emails is really upsetting. I feel she hasn't answered important bits in my emails regarding my panicky feelings that she is withdrawing from me or becoming less available and will then leave me. I just don't know if I am being ungrateful for what I have and what she gives me or whether I really have a valid point???

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think you have both a valid point and are squandering? what she is offering you. Does that make sense? I think you have a right to be upset about the inconsistencies, but she IS offering you what you need and you are rejecting it. Go see her. Worry about dealing with the inconsistencies later.