Does rage...?

Necessarily equate to eventually being homicidal? I have not had any thought like that EVER. Not sure what, if I truly do snap, that will look like? Never been in this position before. Yes I lost my grandma and the resulting family bs is a total disrespect/dishonor to her and who she was as woman. My mom's brother's lack of respect for his mother even when she was alive and even still his sisters is despicable. I've gone so far as to email T last night very early this morning....haven't heard from her yet. Was gonna get a decent amount of baccardi rum and just drown myself but don't want to be pouring gasoline on the fire(rage) burning inside. Could alcohol put me over the edge? Am I literally playing with fire? Should I see someone(probably a pdoc) for some help? Read on Acute Stress Reaction and sounds like this could be me. It also said it often develops into PTSD. I don't really want meds I want to work through this without. I've read meds often interfere with the grief process especially AD's.

Could you leave a voice mail for your T? She might see that as more urgent and get back to you. I would avoid drinking lots of alcohol because, as you said, it might just put fuel on the fire. As for meds, maybe you just need something to calm you down short term? So might be good to try to contact a p-doc. When do you see your T again?

If you're feeling really unsafe and worry you'll hurt someone else (or yourself), you can always call 911 and/or go to an ER, too...

To answer your original question, no I don't think it necessarily leads to being homicidal. But it sounds like you're worried about yourself, so please try reaching out in whatever way you can, to T, on here, if there's anyone else in your life who might understand...

My next appt isnt until January and that's only if I can get a job and pay for it. Not sure I'll be able to get a pdoc quickly enough as I dont have one already. I went off meds early July and was doing fine until all this with grandma and resulting family drama. It's def nearing my breaking point if not already there.

(((DD))) what exactly is going on, and why are you so involved in it? This is their mother. They should be allowed space for their feelings.

Has there been a memorial service yet? My brother and i werent really up for speaking when my mother passed, but a cousin in law who is a protestant minister(?) made a really nice speech.

I have an aunt who is always up my rear about have i visited my parents' gravesite. Its none of her business.

You are entitled to your feelings and memories about your grandma. But if others dont share them, does it diminish yours? Maybe they didnt receive what you did from her. Then grief gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY!?!? No hug thanks. Its not their grief I have a problem with. Anything else I tell would probably be invalidated as well so no need to go there. What does this have to do with my post anyway? If you were really interested it would have ended with question and NOT proceeded to invalidation.

I deal with families in probate all the time - and families and their relationships with the deceased and each other can be messed up and the death of a mother/grandmother can be distressing in many ways and on many levels. I see it all the time. In fact, in my business, it is hard to remember that sometimes families can grieve together and without restraining orders. Grandchildren do have different relationships to their grandparents than the children of the grandparent. And often people are still dealing with hurt and family issues from 45-50 years ago, not just the recent past.

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope you can find some peace soon. Perhaps it won't happen with your family altogether - but I hope you can within yourself.

Asked for my account to be closed. bye all.