my T pushed me so hard

it all started with me telling her that i had sent the mother a gift card for christmas. i told her that it was something i had to do . she said that i know that doing this has opened a door for communication again and she doesnt know what the mother will do .she starts talking about the mother not being the mother that i want her to be etc... i told her i know all that. she seemed to get so frustrated . she said that i need to start to let go of the past and all the messages that the mother put in my head . all the talk . again i dont know why i said this to her but it just came out . i said that i know that the mother is only thinking of herself and that if my brother was still alive i would not even exist in her world. then my T started to raise her voice saying that the mother destroyed my brother to the point that he didnt want to live anymore . of course she doesnt understand the whole story and i will never agree with her over this .i know it was me who wrecked my brother . she was raising her voice and it scared me .i asked her if she was getting angry with me . she responded with telling me that it was irrelevant weather she was angry .she was not going to go down that road with me . i was so scared i started to cry and i couldnt even keep the tears from falling . i hate that so much i quickly wiped them with my sleeve and held my breath untill i stopped. i was so confused . i didnt know what she wanted from me . i cant remember some of what she was saying .i was checking out . she started again with saying that i can come to therapy and talk about my family and the dog ,or my surgery but that isnt moving me forward with my therapy that this was not what i needed to be working on . she was talking about how i need to be working on letting go of my past etc .she was talking about how children who were as traumatized as much as i was often spend there life blaming them self for everything . they believe the lies that were put in there heads. i was crying a lot now she just kept on pushing me . she asked me to get a tissue that they were right next to me .i couldnt do it .i didnt want to .i didnt want to bring any more attention to the fact that i was crying . again she raised her voice again and said that i cant even allow myself a tissue ,that i would rather stay miserable. then she said to get a tissue to wipe my face . with this i started crying even more . she was so frustrated.i told her once again that she wouldnt understand and that scares me . she was pushing me so hard .she was so loud .i was shutting down .she asked what is it she doesnt understand ?how hard it is to talk about this ,how hard it is to deal with the stuff done to me ?etc...i just said no,that the mother never did anything to my brother .i was remembering when you all talked to me about how i might have been for my brother so i told her the worst thing she ever did to him was to make him deal with me when i was being punished . she went on about the mother and how it was her who destroyed my brother . she just doesnt know . she wants me to believe her . my head is spinning so bad with all these horrible memories . then she pushed me even further . she asked me what i had done that the brother needed to take care of me . i told her that when i was being punished he needed to take care of me .i totally avoided the question .moving into the territory i dont want to look at or deal with .again i dont know why she just kept pushing .asking what did he do .finely i told her some .i could barely concentrate . i told her the mother kept me in my room when she was punishing me and it was up to my brother to bring me food and stuff . i didnt want to tell her the rest .it was so humiliating .she just kept pushing me asking what else was it . i told her it was to embarrassing and humiliating .she rised her voice again asking what else .asking me if i was still with her and to tell her what else .i finely told her that i was not allowed to come out to go to the bathroom . she asked me how i went to the bathroom .she asked if i had to go in the waste basket .i said no that the mother put a pan of water for me to go in and it was my brothers job to empty it . i was so humiliated telling her this .it was horrible .im horrible and gross . she seemed so mortified with all of it . she said the mother was a horrible witch that it was so horrible what the mother did to my brother and i . she asked me if i was able to see this . i shrugged my shoulders. again she raised her voice asking me to not shrug my shoulders and was i able to see how horrible the story i just told her was . that how could someone do something like that to another human and to a child at that . she asked how old i was . this happened more then once . i think she though it was a one time thing but it went on for years . i couldnt remember .she started saying how the mother was a monster and that it makes her sad that this happened to my brother and i . but she still didnt understand how i see things . i tried to tell her that i know it must have been horrible for my brother to have to do what he did . my T got all snidey and started saying about how it was not a piece of cake for me either being in that room . again she just looked at me and said .this is the woman you sent the christmas gift to . trying to keep her happy so you dont get put back in that room.she said that i am grown up now and the mother cant hurt me .that i no longer need to keep her happy . i was just crying and scared to leave the room i felt like rubber . i asked her if i could sometime talk to her about what it was like to be kept in that room . she said that if i think it would help me then yes .i got the feeling that she didnt want me to talk any more about it . i have never talked to anyone about what was going on in my head at these times or even what the mother did . she said i could talk about anything but i got the feeling she really didnt want to talk anymore about this . she said that this was a very intense session and asked if i was going to be ok . i was so shakey i really felt if i could get out the door i would be ok .she said she was a little worried about me and that if it ends out that if i am not ok i could call her . the thing is i only have her office phone number and she is gone now untill after the holidays .i really wonder if she thinks i have some other number like her cell . i know i will be ok i dont like calling her anyway .it gets complicated . i just need to get through tonight and the flood of memories in my head .

Ah Granite. That sounds so hard. I am not sure what else to say.

Granite - im glad you are writing about it here. I hope it will help you get thru some of this. You've got a lot of people here who are concerned and care about you including me.

Thats so hard
And as someone witha vrry similar past your T is right. At some point, you have to decide not side with your abuser anymore .its awful and horrible but true. The day i cut my birth family out of my life was the day my real healimg began
Only you can free yourself

Oh , Granite - for the Mother to do that to you and your brother. Do keep posting.

That was really huge, granite. those new heart vessels are letting a lot more stuff get thru. Dude you get so much work done in one little hour.

Hugs...that sounds really painful.

I wonder if your T will be checking her office voicemail and you could leave a message there if needed?

What a hard session. I think you can take your T at her word that she is there for you and if you need help, call the office and she may have a way to hear your message.

Try to trust your T's words that she will hear what you need and want to share. what happened to you was terrible and being able to share it with T is a big step.

Yes, granite, you were treated horribly by the mother. I want you to never go anywhere near her either. She is just plain mean to you. Maybe when you have done some healing it will be safe for you to interact. Good for you for staying with your t. It sounds as though it was very hard. I agree with your t that the mother was terrible to brother as well. No kind parent would make a kid do that chore for a sibling.

But I also understand being afraid of not pleasing a parent. The horror of not measuring up can be huge.

I hope you are able to spend the holiday with kind people.

I have so many thoughts on this! I am about to go to bed...but know that I wll come back to this (i am driving all day tomorrow)

First of all: You are AMAZING, you know?! You just had major heart surgery, and now you are opening up and telling her more and more about the details of your mother's horrific abuse.

I really think there is something there that when you get triggered (and clearly,t his stuff is massively triggering), you go into some kind of tunnel vision, and it probably makes it seem like your T is raising her voice at you, but I bet if it was recorded and you listened back--she probably is not.

Hang in there. Just remember, you survived it. What happend to your brother is ONLY the mother's (and your father's) fault. ONLY. I know you can't believe it, but I truly hope one day you can.

Try and enjoy your holidays. <3

Hugs hugs hugs. More hugs.
You sent a thing to the mother. You did what you felt you had to do to keep safe. I get it. (I don't think your T did - she seems to be missing some understanding about developmental trauma there).
You sure were brave telling your T those things. That is a huge step. T heard you. And its gonna be okay.

Hugs ,granite. No one deserves to go through what the mother has done to you. I hope in your t's outrage you can see the love at its core. Your t really cares. Keep posting here and try calling your t and leave a message. I think you will find that t is probably checking her voicemail hoping you reach out to her.

Granite, I keep reading and re-reading your post here. Your T means well, but I think you would benefit so very much more from a therapist who has a solid grounding in developmental trauma. There is a lot your T seems to be missing around the profound effects of developmental trauma and how to effectively support a client through them. There are clues she doesn't pick up on (when you dissociate and are attacked by your mother's voice) and things she just doesn't seem to understand (that you don't just 'get over' developmental trauma, and that traumatic attachment bonds are extremely complex).

We started seeing a new therapist about 7 weeks ago. She is a trauma therapist who is experienced with EMDR and structural dissociation. From the very first session we could tell she had a deep understanding of trauma, triggers, and all the effects they have on the nervous system. This lady gets it, and we don't have to tell her. Best of all, she responds quickly and appropriately to us being triggered, and uses tons of different strategies to help us ground and regulate our nervous system.

I think your therapist is helping you, but I also see that there are many things she doesn't do that would help you faster and much more effectively. There are things she is not in tune with, things she is completely oblivious to, things she just doesn't 'get'. And they are things that matter. They are things that are crucial to helping you heal.

I don't think she is harming you.
But I do think there are other therapists out there who have much greater knowledge and insight into the issues you are dealing with, and can help you better.

i know i wonder if she thinks she gave me her cell number . she only works 2 days a week aand she will also be out of the office untill after new years . i will be ok i think .i hate calling her .it complicates the relationship so much . i wouls get all worried that im being a pain in the but calling her . i dont think she really wants me to . even when she asks me to call her she doesnt call me back .it confuses me .so it is best i dont call her .

I am sorry it was so hard, but I do think it is good that you are telling her this stuff. I also think she is not saying she does not want to hear about what it was like to be kept in the room - I think she was trying to give you room to be able to handle it - I believe the therapist can handle it just fine.
There have been times when both of the ones I see have gotten like "do you see that X was horrible..." and seemed quite pushy over it. I think it is a technique they try to use.