When I asked my T if we were doing okay, which I have a lot before, he usually says we're fine. The last session, he said, "The therapeutic relationship is fine." He specified the therapeutic relationship, which is a total change. I also felt a kind of change in how my T was doing things, but can't verbalize why or what made me feel this way. I am so numb in my stomach area which is where my abandonment fears live, that I have lost weight from not eating. I didn't eat lunch today because I forgot. I worry that T has finally grown sick of me and is going to terminate me. I see him this week. I have been terminated previously and that is playing on my mind. My exT told me he would never leave, but definitely did. Should I be worried?

[ABC1357]

I'm sorry to hear you are so stressed out. I am also fearful that my therapist may be irritated that I'm not making progress, and will sometimes terminate. Maybe we should directly ask, although it is scary. I wish someone have good idea how to address this concern.

[atisketatasket]

In therapy, isn't we the same as the therapeutic relationship? I mean...that's actually all there is.

[AllHeart]

Maybe he specified the therapeutic relationship is fine to assure you that he is specifically not planning to terminate you from therapy, because everything is just that - fine. Unless you have another relationship with this t, I would also equate the relationship to being the same as the therapeutic relationship. I, personally, would find his adding the word therapeutic more comforting that therapy is secure.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

In therapy, isn't we the same as the therapeutic relationship? I mean...that's actually all there is.

Yes, that is all there is, you're right. I felt like something was off and that was different than how he usually stated, so maybe I'm just looking for something negative.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Maybe he specified the therapeutic relationship is fine to assure you that he is specifically not planning to terminate you from therapy, because everything is just that - fine. Unless you have another relationship with this t, I would also equate the relationship to being the same as the therapeutic relationship. I, personally, would find his adding the word therapeutic more comforting that therapy is secure.

No, I definitely don't have another relationship with him, he has really good boundaries. You're right, now that I see it that way, it is comforting that the therapy is secure. I think this is just me feeling really off. Thank you.

Originally Posted by ABC1357

I'm sorry to hear you are so stressed out. I am also fearful that my therapist may be irritated that I'm not making progress, and will sometimes terminate. Maybe we should directly ask, although it is scary. I wish someone have good idea how to address this concern.

I'm sorry that you also fear termination, it really skews my perceptions. Good idea to directly ask, I will do that. Thank you.

[Princetonstyle]

Originally Posted by ABC1357

I'm sorry to hear you are so stressed out. I am also fearful that my therapist may be irritated that I'm not making progress, and will sometimes terminate. Maybe we should directly ask, although it is scary. I wish someone have good idea how to address this concern.

I have the exact same fears! Abandonment issues seem to give the therapist a lot of power. I think I'm going to directly ask my T this week. I just can't take it anymore.

[CantExplain]

I would want to know why he said that.

[Favorite Jeans]

So it's important to remember that every relationship ends eventually, not just the therapeutic ones. It's not so much abandonment as the way of all things. It is not a reflection on you as a person that no relationship is forever. You and your T will part ways at some point, that is certain.

Of course when it's my life, I take it personally. But what I'm learning (in a slow, non-linear way) is how to be okay within me and how to be okay at relationships. Those are learnable things. You can, for example, learn how to grieve instead of living with dread.

Maybe embrace the inevitable? T won't be with you forever, but can help you figure out how to be there for yourself.

I am wondering where you are in his summation of how your relationship is going? Doesn't a relationship involve two people? How do you feel it is going, I would ask him if he is getting fed up of you just for a bit of reassurance.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have a fear of abandonment too. And I also take it personally. My T and I are terminating long-term therapy. I keep feeling like she's leaving me. I talk to her about all my fears. We play out scenarios so I know what to expect if x happens. And even taking things personally, I address with her. Just this week I asked her if she's leaving me because of my faults, secret, lack of progress. Her response was that she's not leaving me (therefore it's none of those reasons). The reassurance really helps me.

Talk to your T directly about it. Get some reassurance when you need it.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ~Tsunami

When I asked my T if we were doing okay, which I have a lot before, he usually says we're fine. The last session, he said, "The therapeutic relationship is fine." He specified the therapeutic relationship, which is a total change. I also felt a kind of change in how my T was doing things, but can't verbalize why or what made me feel this way. I am so numb in my stomach area which is where my abandonment fears live, that I have lost weight from not eating. I didn't eat lunch today because I forgot. I worry that T has finally grown sick of me and is going to terminate me. I see him this week. I have been terminated previously and that is playing on my mind. My exT told me he would never leave, but definitely did. Should I be worried?

I'm sorry for being so dense, but wouldn't it be more worrying if he said your therapeutic relationship wasn't fine? I'm not sure I understand, so I apologize. Is it because he described the relationship as therapeutic? Because I don't think he could call it anything else (if he did, then that would be a problem). Anyway, I think none of what he says sounds like he's leaving. It sounds a lot more like he's feeling good about things.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm sorry for being so dense, but wouldn't it be more worrying if he said your therapeutic relationship wasn't fine? I'm not sure I understand, so I apologize. Is it because he described the relationship as therapeutic? Because I don't think he could call it anything else (if he did, then that would be a problem). Anyway, I think none of what he says sounds like he's leaving. It sounds a lot more like he's feeling good about things.

When you want to hear "I love you," and get "Our marriage is based on sound fundamentals."

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by ~Tsunami

When I asked my T if we were doing okay, which I have a lot before, he usually says we're fine. The last session, he said, "The therapeutic relationship is fine." He specified the therapeutic relationship, which is a total change. I also felt a kind of change in how my T was doing things, but can't verbalize why or what made me feel this way. I am so numb in my stomach area which is where my abandonment fears live, that I have lost weight from not eating. I didn't eat lunch today because I forgot. I worry that T has finally grown sick of me and is going to terminate me. I see him this week. I have been terminated previously and that is playing on my mind. My exT told me he would never leave, but definitely did. Should I be worried?

I don't want to make you feel worse but therapists can change their mind in one session and decide to terminate you in the middle or on a voice mail or by phone. Don't ever put all your eggs in one basket. I made that mistake three times. The "I will never leave you is a joke". I don't know why or anyone else relies on that statement. It is hurt just waiting to happen. They really don't think that it means as much as you think it means. They change in an instant.

[objectclient]

This reminds me of when I used to suspect that an ex T of mine had been consulting her supervisor. Occasionally, something she said or the wording she used sounded a little unnatural for T. It was as though they didn't quite match her usual self and sounded as though someone had put the words into her mouth. I've no idea if this was true but I used to wonder if she'd been consulting her supervisor or was quoting/paraphrasing stuff out of psychology books. Just a thought.....

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

So it's important to remember that every relationship ends eventually, not just the therapeutic ones. It's not so much abandonment as the way of all things. It is not a reflection on you as a person that no relationship is forever. You and your T will part ways at some point, that is certain.

Of course when it's my life, I take it personally. But what I'm learning (in a slow, non-linear way) is how to be okay within me and how to be okay at relationships. Those are learnable things. You can, for example, learn how to grieve instead of living with dread.

Maybe embrace the inevitable? T won't be with you forever, but can help you figure out how to be there for yourself.

I need to embrace the inevitable, you're right. I'm not doing great at all trying to be here for myself. You make some really good points, thank you for your reply

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am wondering where you are in his summation of how your relationship is going? Doesn't a relationship involve two people? How do you feel it is going, I would ask him if he is getting fed up of you just for a bit of reassurance.

I worry that he's fed up with me and will ask him if this is right when I see him. I'm not sure of where our relationship is going according to him, good question. Thank you for your reply.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have a fear of abandonment too. And I also take it personally. My T and I are terminating long-term therapy. I keep feeling like she's leaving me. I talk to her about all my fears. We play out scenarios so I know what to expect if x happens. And even taking things personally, I address with her. Just this week I asked her if she's leaving me because of my faults, secret, lack of progress. Her response was that she's not leaving me (therefore it's none of those reasons). The reassurance really helps me.

Talk to your T directly about it. Get some reassurance when you need it.

I have read about you terminating with your long-term T. I hear what you are saying. I'm glad her reassurance helps you. I will definitely talk to T. I hope you post after your termination and let people here help. Take care.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm sorry for being so dense, but wouldn't it be more worrying if he said your therapeutic relationship wasn't fine? I'm not sure I understand, so I apologize. Is it because he described the relationship as therapeutic? Because I don't think he could call it anything else (if he did, then that would be a problem). Anyway, I think none of what he says sounds like he's leaving. It sounds a lot more like he's feeling good about things.

You're not dense. I am having record heights in my anxiety and it's like I am looking for a reason (and can't find a legitimate one) that he is leaving. I'm not being rational and feel like I am falling apart, not because of T but because of what is happening in my real life. Lately I'm wondering if I'm going to make it, although T asks me in response to that statement, what would that look like, and I don't have an answer. I appreciate your reply.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I don't want to make you feel worse but therapists can change their mind in one session and decide to terminate you in the middle or on a voice mail or by phone. Don't ever put all your eggs in one basket. I made that mistake three times. The "I will never leave you is a joke". I don't know why or anyone else relies on that statement. It is hurt just waiting to happen. They really don't think that it means as much as you think it means. They change in an instant.

Ugh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. The way I'm feeling, I don't think I would deal with that now. Thanks for your reply.

Originally Posted by objectclient

This reminds me of when I used to suspect that an ex T of mine had been consulting her supervisor. Occasionally, something she said or the wording she used sounded a little unnatural for T. It was as though they didn't quite match her usual self and sounded as though someone had put the words into her mouth. I've no idea if this was true but I used to wonder if she'd been consulting her supervisor or was quoting/paraphrasing stuff out of psychology books. Just a thought.....

Thank you for your reply. That does make sense, I never thought of it that way. It was different for him, like you say. I do now feel reassured and am not sure why this bothered me so much.

[MBM17]

CantExplain, SO well said!

[MBM17]

Ugh ~Tsunami that slight change in wording would have kicked off my anxiety, too! For me, the truth would have been what you wrote in one of your later posts - that I'm the one that's off and my anxiety is super high and so I'm being really sensitive and interpreting things in a way that is untrue. So then I have to check in with my therapist to figure out what reality is because I'm not seeing clearly.

Originally Posted by MBM17

Ugh ~Tsunami that slight change in wording would have kicked off my anxiety, too! For me, the truth would have been what you wrote in one of your later posts - that I'm the one that's off and my anxiety is super high and so I'm being really sensitive and interpreting things in a way that is untrue. So then I have to check in with my therapist to figure out what reality is because I'm not seeing clearly.

Yeah, I'm really sensitive, unfortunately. Fortunately, I asked my T when I saw him and he was back to saying that basically we are a team. I felt so much better after that session. Me, too, I also misinterpret things when my anxiety is too high. I'm glad that you, too, can check and get reassurance from your t. Thank you!