[rainboots87]

Okay, so I know she does not actually hate me, but this has been a recent persistent thought I've had. There is literally nothing she has said or done to make me feel this way, and I have zero complaints about her as a T. So how do I work through this? I've brought it up with her and we talked about it a little- explored the feelings before she did add that she doesn't hate me (which seemed genuine). I don't just need her to reassure me that she doesn't hate me, because I know it's not really about that. The problem is I don't know what it IS about. I've only seen her for about 4 months or so.

Any ideas on how to explore this further? My next session isn't till next week, but I'd like to go in with some productive thoughts on this instead of just saying I feel this way, but not really, so *shrug*...

[Elio]

My best t like questions...
When else, with whom have you felt this way before?

What is your t doing when you have this feeling?

What are you doing/thinking when you have this thought come through your mind?

Do you ever feel like she feels something else towards you (not intellectually know but feel)?

You say it has been a recent persistent thought, do you remember when it started and what was going on in your life/head at the time?

Is there anything that she does that annoys you or leaves you feeling frustrated or angry that you have not discussed with her?

How are you feeling towards her?

Is the feeling coming from a specific part of yourself, if yes what part?

[rainboots87]

"My best t like questions...
When else, with whom have you felt this way before?"
I used to think another T was mad at me a lot, even though she wasn't. I was super attached to her. Maybe with my ex-bf as well, but he was unreliable and aggravated my anxiety so much.

"What is your t doing when you have this feeling?"
It's never in session, but usually between sessions that I feel this way. It popped up first when she was out of town so we needed to skip a week and I was anxious about it, so she offered to have a short phone call with me if I decided I needed it. I felt so guilty taking her up on that even though it was super helpful.

"What are you doing/thinking when you have this thought come through your mind?" I feel too needy and too much for others.

"Do you ever feel like she feels something else towards you (not intellectually know but feel)?" She seems pretty genuine in sessions. Not sure of a particular feeling though.

"You say it has been a recent persistent thought, do you remember when it started and what was going on in your life/head at the time?" The phone call situation I talked above above, I think. A lot of guilt for me.

"Is there anything that she does that annoys you or leaves you feeling frustrated or angry that you have not discussed with her?" No, I think she's perfect.

"How are you feeling towards her?" I wish I could have more time with her. 45 minutes isn't long enough sometimes. I feel ashamed for wanting her reassurance.

"Is the feeling coming from a specific part of yourself, if yes what part?" Not sure.

Thanks for the questions Elio

[BrazenApogee]

I had this problem a lot with my T at first. He called it negative transference. He said "It will be uncomfortable, until it's not." And it was. Now I can see him for the kind wonderful T he is. I'm amazed he endured though it, it was very difficult for me too.

[Elio]

At 4 months I was right there with you, loathing myself for being so needy, feeling that I was pathetic for going into a tail spin when she had to cancel. I was so ashamed at needing any type of accommodation from her. I still feel guilty when she offers something extra for me. It's getting less, it is still there.

I started pushing, testing, rebelling against my t to try to get her to be disgusted by me and thereby kick me out/ending the relationship.

I think you are pretty much right on target for the rollercoaster ride that is this process.

So I guess a question is, why do you want her to hate you?

I have negative transference, too. There's an attachment pattern where you feel bad about yourself but hold others in high regard, which explains the cause. In my case, I internalized it from my mother. It is transference, but reflects my sense of self as it is magnified in therapy.

The only thing that leaves me questioning is that I didn't have this problem with other therapists. But like you, I've had it in another close relationship before. But he wasn't trustworthy by any standards.

Does she say positive things about you at all?

I really don't know how else to deal with it besides talk about it over and over and hopefully believe in yourself some day. You sound like you have a lot of guilt and shame. That might be where it comes from.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by Elio

At 4 months I was right there with you, loathing myself for being so needy, feeling that I was pathetic for going into a tail spin when she had to cancel. I was so ashamed at needing any type of accommodation from her. I still feel guilty when she offers something extra for me. It's getting less, it is still there.

I started pushing, testing, rebelling against my t to try to get her to be disgusted by me and thereby kick me out/ending the relationship.

I think you are pretty much right on target for the rollercoaster ride that is this process.

So I guess a question is, why do you want her to hate you?

I think it stems from a deep feeling of being unworthy. I don't want her to hate me, I want to be her favorite. But that's a lot harder to achieve/not realistic. Good things to think about. Thanks for sharing your own experience

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by Skies

I have negative transference, too. There's an attachment pattern where you feel bad about yourself but hold others in high regard, which explains the cause. In my case, I internalized it from my mother. It is transference, but reflects my sense of self as it is magnified in therapy.

The only thing that leaves me questioning is that I didn't have this problem with other therapists. But like you, I've had it in another close relationship before. But he wasn't trustworthy by any standards.

Does she say positive things about you at all?

I really don't know how else to deal with it besides talk about it over and over and hopefully believe in yourself some day. You sound like you have a lot of guilt and shame. That might be where it comes from.

When I first brought up the hate thing, she said several things, including the words "so like the opposite of hate." Not that she loves me or anything, but it did seem like she enjoys working with me. I'm still insecure about it though (obviously)

[MBM17]

So I'm always worried that my therapist is going to see that I really am too much. I'm always too much. My nature is flawed. He'll see that, and then he'll finally realize he doesn't want to do therapy with me, he with apathy will send me away, and I won't have anyone. That's my belief. It's not that he'll HATE me. He just won't like me or will dislike me, but it's like I'm so unimportant that he won't even have feeling about it.

Skies, you said

I really don't know how else to deal with it besides talk about it over and over.

Do you think that'll help? That's what my therapist says - the only way to really believe I'm not too much, the only way to believe he doesn't think negative things about me, the only way to trust that he won't kick me out with apathy, is to talk and talk and talk out the fears and see that they aren't playing out true.

Would you say that's right?

You have to keep going over and over things sometimes. Each time it comes up. Speak it.

[BrazenApogee]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

So how do I work through this? I've brought it up with her and we talked about it a little- explored the feelings before she did add that she doesn't hate me (which seemed genuine). I don't just need her to reassure me that she doesn't hate me, because I know it's not really about that. The problem is I don't know what it IS about. I've only seen her for about 4 months or so.

Originally Posted by MBM17

That's what my therapist says - the only way to really believe I'm not too much, the only way to believe he doesn't think negative things about me, the only way to trust that he won't kick me out with apathy, is to talk and talk and talk out the fears and see that they aren't playing out true.

Would you say that's right?

Yes, that is right. Transference is not so much how you think, but a certain way you have been wired from previous experiences in the past. In order to break the transference reaction: you need to experience it, recognize it, and have a new experience in an attachment relationship that counters the transference reaction. The therapeutic relationship can become this reparative attachment relationship. So, yes talking about it over and over does help, but what is really going on is with you. Every time the Therapist shows you they care, listens to you, and understands you the wiring inside you is being restrung. Essentially, it is an experience that takes time and can be uncomfortable before it feels better. That is why it is called "work."