I have a fear he will...

I've been seeing my current therapist for over three years now and I don't have issues with him at all. More or less with the agency but that isn't the pressing issue, or if it is an issue.

He is really gentle but also pushes me, which is really great. He has a calming voice, soothing almost. I've told him this before because something happened I forget what, and he asked, and I was honest. I go weekly with a phone appointment as well. I am in therapy either 2 hours one week or an hour half the next.

I've had therapists in the past that said and did things that I knew weren't okay. Then I met my current therapist and he doesn't do those things. He doesn't talk about his life (rarely gives me examples from his life, but doesn't give details of his personal life), doesn't say anything weird or strange, like talking about himself or others, he focuses on me. I focus on me. I don't really care for his personal life, which I've bluntly told him one day when I was frustrated about something unrelated to him.

During the sessions when I am there, I am opening up more but sometimes I find it hard to talk, or that all I want to do is laugh at something so serious that a normal person who cry and sob over. Not that I think it's funny but that is the only way I can, express myself. So I sit there holding in all this stupid laughter when really it's not funny, but inside I need to explode in laughter. Uncontrollable laughter. I've done this one and then I started to cry and it was really uncomfortable.

Another thing is a few months back we did this exercise where it was this visualization, mindfulness thing where something terrible happened to me. I have all these connecting more like branches from PTSD and to name it all it will be long and I don't want to do that. I was taken into a dark room, I was not in his office nor the chair. I started to cry because I felt water dripped down my face and onto my clothes. Anyways, I was then in and out of black-ness and this black room to his office and hearing his voice come alive. His voice was loud but it wasn't, echoed for me. It took me forever, like the entire session to come back to reality. This is something I feared the most that I didn't want to happen, and it happened. I told him that.

While I am in sessions I feel myself go back to that place and I take all my energy out of myself to not go there as it's so dangerous I really can't be there in his office when it happens. It happens at home mostly when I am alone, so no one sees it. I am afraid of it.

Not to mention sometimes I think about him when I am home. Usually, it's processing things for next session or when we chat on the phone. I play it over and over in my head, weighing in on how things would go if I talk about X thing or Y thing. I over analyze things, like everything. That's one part of it the other is sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see each other in public. I live in a big city and basically, I live all the way at the other end of the city and I believe he is on the other side or something. I always make these stories up about it, very harmless, like, meeting and I act like I don't know him and I am casual shaking his hand with others. Then when I am alone he asks how I am doing or if I look upset he asks how I am feeling. It all reflects my therapeutic relationship with him. He is kind and gentle with me but pushes me (in a good way) and it reflects in those made up things.

I wonder and I am scared that one day he won't be there anymore. I am not ready to not be in therapy and I fear I will need at some point a new one. I've expressed with him and he said he isn't planning to go anywhere and if he was he would tell me. I always feel he will disappear and I would need to restart a very long relationship again, it took me forever to trust him and tell him things and there's serious things I have not even mentioned to him. I value him too much maybe?

I have attachment issues but I don't rely on him as much. Before I would send three emails a week, now it's maybe 3 a month or less. I function without him there. I just don't know what my problem is or issue. I know I had a **** family who treated me like crap and weren't there for me, then starting to be comfortable with that my therapist says things like, "you are brave," "I am honored you shared that with me." "I care about you." "You can get through this." "I see a lot of potential and our work is going to be tough but we can get through this together, you aren't alone" Those things he says to me. He is very validating, he validates me a lot during the session with all the hard crap I am telling him.

I don't know. I have a fear he will... be gone. It's like he plays the father I never had but I don't feel that, it just I wanted what my therapist shows, I wished my own father was like that. I have no idea if that makes sense.

Sounds like some heavy stuff. Sorry you're struggling. Can you bring this post to your T to help untangle it all?

It make a lot of sense to me, what you are saying.
I am always worried that my therapist will disappear.
Even though I think I could survive at this point without him, I don't want to. He just means so much to me. Our relationship took a long time to develop and I constantly worry that it is tenuous. I have talked to my therapist about this. He's said things like, "Where would I go?" And I'm like, "I don't know. People just disappear." But, you know, he hasn't. And even if something happened to him, like could happen to anyone, I think this is just the risk we have to take to have this kind of connection.

Makes total sense to me. Why wouldn't you want someone like that to stick around? He sounds like quite a good t. It sounds like it would be safe to talk about your flashback with him. I hope you find a way to contain it, it sounds horrible.

I relate to so much of this! Wish I had a more helpful response. I guess what I can say is I shared a lot of these vulnerable pieces to my T (appreciating her presence, her skill so much, getting pulled back further inside myself sometimes laughing as a defense, seeing where "the work" is yet scared to bring her into it, fear of becoming so strongly attached if we get any closer from said "work" because I know our relationship will end at some point) Ugh so hard to summarize just saying I resonate with some of those pieces. Anyway I had a really good session few days ago sharing all this. It was really scary, couldn't look at her all session but all in all it was powerful and beautiful to talk about the relationship/attachment for a session and how I see what needs to be worked on next but is scary. My T was really touched hearing how much I appreciate her, and felt honored being let in to my sacred inner landscape. Just going this far meta-processing was just what I needed. There is no pressure to actually talk details about the "Thing" ever. Even as a therapist who likes to push a little, she knows I'm already being challenged just going this far.

Again I know, different experience, don't mean to project...but I felt called to share in case this gives you option of how to move forward

I get this feeling. I really do. I wonder sometimes if my fear of him being gone is more of a fear of my no longer being 'seen' by him. As in - yes, I DO fear him leaving or just disappearing in the mist....but if he did, what would that mean for ME? Well, for me, that would me I wouldn't feel seen anymore. I wouldn't feel seen and heard by someone on such a deep level. I wouldn't feel loved just for being who I am and accepted and understood..flaws and all. So while I do fear losing my T, sometimes I think I fear losing what I gain from him more than losing him (if that makes any sense at all).