Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

Sorry you had a hard session, Ruh Roh.

My son was accepted to another university; I think this is the one he's decided he wants to attend. It is a bit smaller, still in commuting distance, and has a more personalized music program. I'm glad he's decided to commute rather than go somewhere where he would have to come up with room and board. We have his tuition completely prepaid, but not room and board; that would be on his dime. After talking to his cousin who is still paying off her college loans twelve years later, I think he realized there was wisdom in commuting and hopefully getting out of college debt-free. We are fortunate to live in an area with several excellent universities nearby within commuting distance all with excellent music programs, so that helps a great deal. Yes, it would be nice for him to have the whole college dorm experience, but college has become so incredibly expensive anymore. The financial prospect of college debt is an important consideration.

I'm a bit brain dead. I'm scoring SAT essays online right now in the evenings, and reading bad handwriting on a computer screen hurts my eyes. But the little extra income helps since my husband just finished up one surgery and is headed into another in March, not to mention the added expenses of having a senior in high school (choir trip to Disney, AP tests, cap and gown, portraits, private lessons, etc., etc., etc.) It is actually a pretty easy gig; I just sit here and grade in my jammies. It's just hard on my eyes.

Finishing up my second week with a new set of students -- all AP classes this semester which is really nice. HUGE classes, but good kids. I'm enjoying them. They've already started harassing me; I think they've figured out my odd sense of humor. We'll get along well.

My mother is AGHAST that my bra strap accidentally showed. Er, we're at HOME with no one but family around...

Her concern is ??? because I thought she made it clear before that I'm a lying "derogatory term starting with w used to refer to sex workers".

Did your mum call you that? I am so angry I wish I could jump on plane and tell her what's what!

Yeah, she first called me that when I was a teen. Together with the S word ending in lut.

I've nothing against sex workers or people who've casual sex but it's WTF she called me those names when at that time I'd never even held hands with a romantic interest.

And apparently it's obscene for one's bellybutton to accidentally show when raising your arms too, to her >.<

i understand my family were the same

Hugs. Most people IRL whom I hint briefly to about this really don't understand.

I wish I could have stood up for myself when I was younger but as I was saying to my t words have power especially when you are young

I've applied for six jobs online and I've heard nothing all week.

(((CE))) I hope something wonderful opens up for you that will make the wait worth it.

((CE)) I find job hunting harder and more stressful than the actual job itself. May you find something soon

Thanks for the support everyone. It was a horrible experience yesterday, but I learned from it that my therapist had been right about how to approach a difficult topic. Her way would be safer, and I see that now. I'm just fortunate that she didn't respond by terminating. Instead, she gave me an ice pack and offered a way forward.

I have no words for that family of yours. Toxic doesn't even touch it. I wish you could get out of there, and hope that day comes soon.

When did you apply? Where I live, it can take them up to a month to get back to you... Hope you hear something soon Must be an awful feeling.

@QuietMind: For what it's worth... I wouldn't even be aghast if that happened in public. I mean, celebrities show "way more private parts" to the whole world all the time...

My BF is out of town for the weekend, I have the whole apartment for myself. Not sure if I like that. Why is being home alone so hard? Didn't bother me at all when I was a child. Anyway: Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

I agree with what you said to your T. Words have power, and it definitely can be hard work unlearning the harm.

I'm glad my brothers and me sorta band together as adults though we had terrible sibling rivalry and mutual sibling abuse as kids and teens. My father is learning that his children will sharply call him out sometimes
Job hunting is tough and stressful. I hope you'll get interviews soon *hugs*
Agree, job hunting is stressful. I hope you get calls for interviews soon CE!
I'm really glad your T didn't terminate. I hope the ice pack helped - did you injure yourself when you hit the door?
Hugs. I definitely have plans to leave though they'll take some years to come to fruition for complicated reasons. In the meantime my T and forums has really helped me in learning how to disengage where possible in neutral ways (think some people call it "grey rocking") and taking their words less personally, being assertive in small ways where it's safe. Meds also definitely help with the chronic anxiety though I tend to be pretty emotionally numb.

It's mostly verbal stuff directed at me now, which grey rocking helps a lot with. Definitely glad the physical stuff ended when I was 23 some years back.

Ruh Roh..I'm glad your T was supportive of your difficulties yesterday. Seems like she's worth her salt.
Quiet Mind...I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry about the way you are being treated. It's awful living in that environment with someone like that. A bra strap. Come on. She obviously has plenty of skeletons in her closet.
CE...Something will come up on the job front. Finding a job is a grueling long process. Just keep it up and something will pop. It took me 6 months to find a more suitable job. I hope it does not take that long for you, but when looking for new employment patience is a virtue.
Art...thinking of you and son today as he starts his therapy journey.
Hey everyone else. I had more thoughts but I'm at work. I had a dream about XT last night. I dreamt I saw her in a store. I'm the dream we both had our hands on and picked up the same pair of jeans at the same time. I looked up and it was her. In the dream I let go of the jeans, told her she's got a lot of f u c k I n g nerve the way she handled things, I threw the jeans down and told her to F off. Then I woke up.
I went to bed last night very angry about how much my physical appearance changed and how much weight I put on due to doctors catapulting my body into early menopause. I can't get the weight off and I can't stand the sight of myself. Diet and excercize don't work, percription diet pills from the doctor didn't work. Changing the hormone pills that I'm on didn't work. Following a precise diet plan from a dietitian did not work. I'm so embarrassed to even leave the house everyday. I work for a very health conscious family. They are marathon runners: they didn't know the prior me. The smaller version of me. I feel like I'm trapped inside this body that is not mine. Except it is mine and I'm at a loss on what else to do to get back to a healthy weight.

Good point!

is it because you're used to his presence so the place feels strangely empty?

Weirdly, I've heard of Tuvan throat singing-

https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=RDq...PI&mode=NORMAL

and overtone singing...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?a=&featu...&v=p1T3QArgcLk

Hi, couch.

I am in my small room. No bus today (was supposed to be my last day) as I had an eye dr appt this morning. I had to get up earlier than I usually did for the bus, but I need to be able to see.

I will get home earlier than I have been in the past this afternoon. I should actually have time to make some pasta or something to eat. I have fully cooked porkchops in the fridge that I bought at the store the other day. The instructions say to pan sear for "x" amount of time or back for 8 minutes. I hate pan searing things, so 8 minutes is not long to wait for food to cook. Maybe I will cook a pork chop and some egg noodles.

My vision did not change much and doc said if new glasses were not in the picture right now, I would probably be okay with the "old" ones. I got new glasses though. My insurance allows me to get a new pair of frames and lenses every year. The school board has 2 plans for vision...basic and enhanced. Basic is eye exam every year and frames and lenses every other year. Enhanced is eye exam every year and frames and lenses every year. Enhanced is only 2 buck more a month than basic, so it is worth it to get new glasses every year.

It's Friday, so I may get some kids from Squirrel Teacher today as he uses Fridays for quiz days. That is normally when he sends kids to me. None, yet, but I'm sure I will get some later.

Well, first hour is over, the bell just rang. One period down, 6 to go.

I'm going to go check in to my online classroom. See if anything new is worth responding to in the discussion boards.

Morning couchies, today's supposed to be my last day working til 7pm, and last I heard, I don't have to work Sunday woohoo! A 2 day weekend! I know I've worked only 4 Sundays but it feels like more! I'm trying to focus on the good stuff and not worry/ruminate about my son, trying to remember that it's true that I could spend 24 hours a day worrying and it wouldn't change anything for the better - all it does is wear me down and make him worry about me and I don't need either one of those, do I? Y'know I just realized something. I think to me, if I don't worry, I feel like that means I don't care. Like, worrying is the only proof that I care? I don't know if that makes any sense.

I gotta go get ready for work, have a good morning/evening couchies! I'll probably pop in later on break or lunch as usual. Hugs to those who want 'em.

Art - everyone worries. But you often seem to turn worry into catastrophizing.

Play with a kitty awaiting adoption in real time from your computer-

Home - iPet Companion

Home - iPet Companion

Art - only 4 sundays???

Sunday- Friday lol!

Yes atat, for me worrying=catastrophizing. Perhaps i need to figure out how to worry without the other component....?

Husband has been home since June. He's trying, doesn't make it less difficult. T said we were playing 'games' because I haven't been open with him about what's really 'going on'.

T switched phones and was transferring texts when she realized there were 5,000 texts from me in 2 years.... and that the relationship needed to change because she was walking with me every single day (at her request might I add) and she couldn't do that anymore, she didn't realize how enmeshed it had become. What irratated me - that I have yet to bring up is she keeps focusing on the 5,000 texts from me.... I just transferred phones and I have a total of 11,000 in our conversation.... meaning sure 5,000 from me but 6,000 from her. So I'm not the 'problem'. I guess I just wish she would say that she sent me that many as well, not just how many I sent her. Does that make sense? Anyway, we are working through things.

Had to change pdocs in Nov since mine let me down big time and I got 'lost' in the system because of it. T was pissed, more than pissed, at her. I like the new one so much better. I feel bad for the previous one, like I am not giving her a second chance or that I'm leaving her. T makes it known that she was the one that abandoned me especially during a big crisis, and she was wrong.

What else is new? I have blackberry colored hair now. Therapy is getting harder as I'm starting to say more about my past. I'm dissociating more, or maybe I just realize it more now that I know what's happening. Working on working together with my inner system, and that's really hard. I've never been open about this with anyone (except 3 people) so me to post about it is a rather large step. I'm still embarrassed about it but I want to accept myself and heal.

I've missed the couch and I hope everyone is doing okay.