[MissCharlotte]

So of course I was obsessed today about calling T. Finally, lunchtime came around and I called him and he picked up the phone. He said it was nice to hear my voice.

I said I wanted to make sure he was back and he said, yes he was back. I told him I was depressed and had crashed this week. I gave him the rundown of a few things that happened (my son's surgery, my sister's surgery, etc.). He said that was a lot to manage. He also said that now that I was finished school and working full time I would experience a whole different perspective. He said it would be easier. He said he would be around and I could call over the weekend if I needed to. Then he said, well I guess I'll see you on Tuesday and I choked a goodbye and hung up.

He didn't hear me. I wasn't able to convey how low I had sunk and how I am on such overload. I wasn't able to tell him about the SI urges and suicidal ideation I had experienced this week and how much pain I was in. As nice as it was to hear his voice we didn't connect. Maybe he did, but I didn't.

I cried alone in my classroom, sort of. I called my SIL (who I love dearly and who is a T herself). I told her I wanted to quit, that I didn't see the point in experiencing this pain...She explained that this "is" the trauma state, that I had too much invested to give up now. We talked for a while.

I called T back. I left a message that at the risk of feeling like an idiot, I needed to talk to him again...that he seemed so far away and that I felt ashamed when we spoke. He called back (I was with students) and left a message that we could talk either very late tonite (but unsure of what time) or tomorrow morning early while he was in the car. He said he was sorry I felt that way. He asked if I would let him know that I got the message and how I wanted to handle this.

I called again and left a message that I would call him early tomorrow morning.

Don't know what's next. Therapy is so hard.

[MyBestKids2]

(((((((sister)))))))))

sorry you are feeling so so depressed and didn't feel connected with T. sending gentle hugs if thats ok


Dee

[ECHOES]

((( sister )))

I hope you re-reconnect with him again soon so you'll feel better.

I think making the second call must have been so hard! It's hard when feeling ashamed or too needy or whatever, but you know you NEED to call. So, I'm in awe of how you did what you needed to do for you. It's hard enough to say "I need".. "I need more" is even harder.

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sister said:
So of course I was obsessed today about calling T. Finally, lunchtime came around and I called him and he picked up the phone. He said it was nice to hear my voice.

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What a perfect thing to say. I bet it was nice to hear his as well.

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He didn't hear me. I wasn't able to convey how low I had sunk and how I am on such overload. I wasn't able to tell him about the SI urges and suicidal ideation I had experienced this week and how much pain I was in. As nice as it was to hear his voice we didn't connect. Maybe he did, but I didn't.

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I think you just need to slow down a bit and leave some stuff for the session. I am understanding just how you feel. I will probably feel similarly when I talk to my T next week. A lot has happened during this time for you. You have been through a lot in addition to the baseline pain of just having T away. Yes, you have experienced a rupture. Let the phone call be the first step of the repair.... just hearing his voice, knowing he is back. More work will get done in session.

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I cried alone in my classroom, sort of. I called my SIL (who I love dearly and who is a T herself). I told her I wanted to quit, that I didn't see the point in experiencing this pain...She explained that this "is" the trauma state, that I had too much invested to give up now. We talked for a while.

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Don't give up! I admire your strength and have thought of you quite a bit during my own separation from T as I try to manage my everday life. I'm glad you have your SIL as such a strong support.

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I called T back. I left a message that at the risk of feeling like an idiot, I needed to talk to him again...that he seemed so far away and that I felt ashamed when we spoke. He called back (I was with students) and left a message that we could talk either very late tonite (but unsure of what time) or tomorrow morning early while he was in the car. He said he was sorry I felt that way. He asked if I would let him know that I got the message and how I wanted to handle this.

I called again and left a message that I would call him early tomorrow morning.

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I like that he's making himself so available. Every single time I call my T I feel like an idiot. I'm glad you took the idiot-risk and called. You are taking care of yourself. Be well.

I wish I could think of the right words to say. I'm sorry it's so hard and painful. I can relate. I hope things get better for you.

i think you should be so proud of yourself! It sounds like even though you didn't connect on the level you needed to on the phone, that you do have such a wonderful connection with him overall. He sounds like he is very caring and genuine. To call back must have been very hard... i am struggling with calling issues myself.

i am sorry that you are struggling and in pain. i hope you can get the connection you need.. even just a brief touch can sustain you.

me too... my T "didn't" hear me either... so 2 sessions later.. after much agony on my part... I finally got thru.. (with a little help from a wonderful PC.. person.. ahh Clyde's advice)... thank goodness.. I thought I wasn't gonna "make" it.. but kept at it (I was ready to give up .. it hurts so bad))..... grrrrrrrrrrr the heartbreak of disconnect..

so hang in there... and you are so brave to call back...

[sunrise]

sister, what great news your T is back, that he answered the phone himself when you called (wow!!!), and that you will speak with him again tomorrow. He is really concerned about you and ready to provide a steady presence.

I think it's OK you didn't connect on the first phone call. It is sooooo hard to connect over the phone. Don't let yourself think it means you've lost ground with the relationship. You haven't. I bet it will be easier in person.

sister, please do something nice for yourself. Like maybe a lollipop or a popsicle. Or whatever you like! You deserve some pats on the back for making it through his absence. Hang in there, sweetie. You'll be seeing him soon.