Ok. So it is 1:08 AM which means that it is technically Friday. This means a few of things:

1. It has been one week since I have seen/spoken to T.
2. I have made it one week!
3. I will be seeing T in exactly one more week from today.
4. Um, that's still a whole week.
5. Today will be a bit more difficult than others because it is our regular appointment day.
6. Four more days until I can talk to him on the phone!

It's going to be strange because I took off from work tomorrow cause I need to leave my car for inspection. Figured I'd give myself a four-day weekend. I want the day to be lovely and relaxing but I don't know how I'm going to feel. A four-day weekend is kind of intimidating to me at this point because the only thing that has been getting me through this is my non-stop cycle of school, work, intern.

His return on Tuesday poses a problem for me. Of course I am completely dying to talk to him. However, I really don't want it to be like.... "Hi. You've been home for exactly one second. Call me when you get into the office. Don't bother unpacking."

I don't know when to place "The Call." I need to make sure he's still there. That he's still my T.

This is the longest I've ever gone without getting mad at him. What could be wrong? lol

By the way, the other night I was having a really hard time and I took the suggestion that I have heard many of you mention in which I had a "conversation" with T. I never did that before because I didn't think it would serve a purpose. (But apparently sleeping with his %#@&#! book every night does). Anyway, I started this "conversation" with him and I got really into it. I was very focused and for some strange reason, it helped. Why do you think that helps?

Oh, it's 6:28 PM. That means that had this been any other Friday, it would have been 28 minutes after my session. And that means that I have officially made it through no-therapy week.

Now all I have to do is wait until next Friday for my regular appointment. Cause no more Tuesday sessions.

But Tuesday he will be back. He will be back. He said he will be back. He will be back, right?

[sunrise]

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2. I have made it one week!

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Pink, you have done great! Hang in there, only one more week.

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I don't know when to place "The Call."

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Why don't you surprise him and not call the day he gets back? Wait a day. Or two. He's still there!!! He still luvs ya.

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Anyway, I started this "conversation" with him and I got really into it. I was very focused and for some strange reason, it helped. Why do you think that helps?

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If you can carry on a conversation with him when he is not there, it shows you have internalized him. He's there inside with you, keeping you company. It helps you not miss him so much 'coss you got him there right inside. Yay for you!

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He will be back, right?

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Absolutely.

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sunrise said:
If you can carry on a conversation with him when he is not there, it shows you have internalized him.

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Either that, or it shows that I have completely lost it.

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He's there inside with you, keeping you company. It helps you not miss him so much 'coss you got him there right inside. Yay for you!

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I really never even thought about it this way. Thank you for pointing this out. I still feel so disconnected though. But you are right... there is a small piece that I have kept close enough to be able to do this.

During the course of the week I have managed to generate a list of embarassing things that I feel I have to tell him when he gets back. As mortifying as they are, each is significant:

1. Wishing he gave me something to fulfill the child needs, like a stuffed animal.
2. Sleeping with the book. (I will most likely bring a paper bag with me to put over my head after I tell him that one).
3. Having conversations with him when he's not there.
4. Crying. Enough to require tissues.
5. Calling his voicemail to not only hear his voice, but also because of the need to hear the specific date of his return over and over again.

[WinterRose]

I know you probably don't feel like it - but I think you deserve a cheer! You've done so well and he's almost back already.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's September 1st!! That means T will be back this month. When I would call his voicemail and he said, "I will be out from August 25 to September 4th" it sounded sooooooooo bad. Different month. So far away. Now it's better because at least it is September 1st. He's returning on the 4th, I will see him on the 7th.



Return session:

Him: So how's it been going?
Me: Great! There were no problems. You should go away more often!

HAHAHAH, YEAH RIGHT!!!

[ECHOES]

(( pink )) love your smilies!

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Now it's better because at least it is September 1st. He's returning on the 4th, I will see him on the 7th.

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It's almost as if he's on his way back already!

Thanks, I stole 'em from WinterRose, haha. (Thank you Winter!)

Hmmmmmmm I'm still not mad at him. I wonder if I'm ok... lol

It's getting closer and closer, yay! Only a few more days, you can do it!

[WinterRose]

You're Welcome. Fun, huh?

[MissCharlotte]

Hey PInksoil,

So, you're right behind me. My return phone call(s) now being processed. My return visit on the 4th just 3 days away.

You are doing great--better than I did. Your T will be back next week and before you know it you two will be back together, you with nice shoes and he with an awful shirt he bought on vacation. Maybe it will have stripes on the sleeves and say someting like "I went on vacation and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." (Get it, T-shirt?)

It will feel like old times....So keep up the good work...he will be back soon and you can sob into the phone like I did. Yeah, I also said i would never do that, so there....

[sunrise]

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sister said:
(Get it, T-shirt?)

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That's so bad, it's good!

[lauren_helene]

Yeah Pink! You made it a week.

He'll be back before you know it and I agree with Sunny, try not calling his first day back.

That's nice he gave you a book, hold on to it tightly.

As for the conversations with T, well we all do what we need to and it keeps him or her alive in our hearts.

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sunrise said:
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sister said:
(Get it, T-shirt?)

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That's so bad, it's good!

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Horrific. I LOVE IT! HAHAHA

[Lemon]

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By the way, the other night I was having a really hard time and I took the suggestion that I have heard many of you mention in which I had a "conversation" with T. I never did that before because I didn't think it would serve a purpose. Anyway, I started this "conversation" with him and I got really into it. I was very focused and for some strange reason, it helped. Why do you think that helps?

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That's interesing Pink. I am constantly having conversations with my T in my head. Not intentionally, I just am always imagining telling her about things that have happened to me or how I feel about things. Then I imagine her response. I find it annoying at how often i do this, it feels like too much sometimes. Do you never imagine how a convesation will go with your T or how you'll describe something from your past to him? Or when you said you'd never done this before was this imagined conversation somehow more intentional and that's why it was different and more helpful? I'm curious because personally i wish I could have a few less of these 'in my head' conversations.

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Lemon said:
That's interesing Pink. I am constantly having conversations with my T in my head. Not intentionally, I just am always imagining telling her about things that have happened to me or how I feel about things. Then I imagine her response. I find it annoying at how often i do this, it feels like too much sometimes. Do you never imagine how a convesation will go with your T or how you'll describe something from your past to him? Or when you said you'd never done this before was this imagined conversation somehow more intentional and that's why it was different and more helpful? I'm curious because personally i wish I could have a few less of these 'in my head' conversations.

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Whenever I think about T, it is just that-- about him. Or I may think, "Oh, I wish I could tell him this right now..." I think about the content of things, I process things.... but I have never actually had a mental conversation with him. Not intentionally, not unconsciously. I think it is because I am always so consumed with analyzing and processing the content of off stuff... that I never let myself go and experience is like that. I had to force myself... really force myself to do it. Only because I've read about it on here... many of you said that you do it and it helps. I didn't understand. So I forced myself to have this "conversation" with him. Well, I didn't really imagine him saying anything back. So it was more that I was telling him stuff. I guess the closest I've ever come to doing something like that was once when I wrote a letter to him. (Didn't give it to him... just wrote it). I think that same as I am in therapy, I tend to be very intellectual about what's going on... so just like I have trouble free associating in therapy because I'm always trying to make sense out of my nonsense (I read that in Winnicott, I love it) I have trouble letting go when doing the work at home. I guess that's why I write poetry the way that I do. It serves that purpose. Completely raw.

Long answer. Sorry. I really started to think about things here. Thanks for the question. I think I needed it.

[WinterRose]

Hey pinksoil - my problem is that I give the letters - I can't seem to hold onto them - my version of acting out. And that overflows into 'real life' occasionally. I intellectualize in person and emote in writing. I love to think and tend to think about thinking as pdoc says. I also can't quite have a conversation with T or pdoc in my head. I've done it with other people, but not them. I just can't imagine it. It's too hard to guess what they'll say.

[MissCharlotte]

Lemon said:

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I'm curious because personally I wish I could have a few less of these 'in my head' conversations.

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Oh me too! I have many conversations with T. Sometimes, like Pink, I just hink of him but often I have full fledged conversations. I remember telling T about a conversation I had with him in my head and he said, "How'd I do?" But in all seriousness, sometimes I want him OUT of my head and when I get him out I panic because I can't conjure him up! What's up with that?

Pinksoil, you're almost there. I like the idea of the nonchalent Wednesday call. Personally, if I could just sleep from now until Tuesday evening I would be one happy lady.