[chaotic13]

Is it an acceptable practice for a psychologist to sacrifice the needs of one patient to help another?
Here is the situation. I sought therapy for myself and my son because my husband had become very verbally abusive. The effect of this abuse on our children had finally forced me to respond, put aside my own fears, and seek outside help. Our marriage has been deteriorating for some time and I am really angry with him and have become depressed to the point of almost indifference towards him. I met with the therapist individually for a few sessions, and then she met with my son, and finally my husband. My husband responded with remorse, extreme emotions, and immediately started taking steps to change his behavior. I think his response to her during his session surprised her. I met with the therapist again afterwards and reported on his progress. Although he had made significant changes over the two weeks, the effects of the last year were still lingering within me. She stated that he desperately needed my affirmation that he was making progress. She stated that he was a “physical guy” who needed me to show him affection. This was extremely difficult for me at this point because I am still angry and upset about the affects of his behavior has had on me and our children. Submitting to his needs created great conflict within me personally. After supporting him physically, I felt empty and like a fraud. I was just acting at this point--saying things to ease his fears about our marriage, when inside not believing it myself. I realize that he was trying really hard to change and that she was using me to reinforce this change in order to protect my son. But I feel like my needs were sacrificed in the process. I was the one who sought help and my husband is the one who gets the support. I have not been very successful in admitting and expressing my feelings. I had completely closed down emotionally over the past year and was just starting to try to get myself to be able to feel again. To her credit I may not have articulated the extent of my despair and anger very well during our sessions. Her asking me support my husband was ultimately like asking me to suppress my anger and ignore my feelings for the good of the family. This seems now like a step in the wrong direction for me personally.

Should I be looking for a new therapist? Can one therapist treat more than one member of a family without a conflict of interest? Am I wrong to be feeling this way?

Hey there. It sounds to me... Like you need to talk to your therapist about how you feel. You see sometimes when the behaviour starts to come right then things start to come right more generally. Sometimes that happens... But sometimes it does not. That you feel like you have had to put aside your emotions etc and 'submit to his needs' means that things haven't come right. I just mean to say that your therapist might well not know how you feel about all this. But that you do feel all this is understandable and it isn't wrong.

Would you be able to print out your post and give it to your therapist? I would say that it would be better to try doing this before looking for someone else. I don't think that you are wrong to be feeling this way... But I do think that you need to clue your therapist in on how you are feeling.

[sunrise]

mckell, that was a very articulate post and I think you should show it to your therapist. She will see the problem immediately. Hopefully, she will have ways to deal with what has happened and help you mend your relationship with your husband in ways that do not make you feel like you did. Sounds like a very painful situation. Hang in there, because I think it is a really good sign that your husband is trying so hard. Now, if only your needs can just not get lost in the shuffle.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Should I be looking for a new therapist?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think you need to let your therapist know what is going on with you before you abandon her.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Can one therapist treat more than one member of a family without a conflict of interest?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes. It is helpful if she has appropriate training to do that. some therapists do not treat multiple members of the same family as it goes against their philsophy and they don't have the training for it. My therapist is a family systems guy and this approach allows for treating multiple family members in different combinations. He has a lot of background and training in this. Maybe ask your therapist this very good question.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Am I wrong to be feeling this way?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No, you are very astute to know what is wrong with what has happened.

[ECHOES]

Well, I give someone credit where credit is due and it's good your husband is showing progress. But.... someone who's been abusive for that long doesn't just magically change in 2 weeks. It's a process of learning new ways to respond to others in different situations and it will take time.

And hurt certainly doesn't diminish in 2 weeks. Verbal abuse cuts very deep and rebuilding trust is a process.

I think it's perfectly understandable how you feel right now. Also it takes time to get to the feelings about the abuse if you've had to supress and deny to get through it. Those feelings can be harder to bring up than to supress, even in therapy and it can be a start just to say that you feel that you haven't been able to really express your feelings fully.

Your therapist would be better serving you to help you talk about your fears, anger, depression, conflicts, lost trust, unmet needs. She would want to encourage you if and when YOU feel ready to meet his physical needs.

I think I would feel that the therapist is putting his needs first. She needs to know exactly how you feel about this. Taking a copy of your post with you to the next session might be helpful to begin talking about it.

You want to feel supported by your psychologist. It's why we seek them out. Help her by telling her all the things you said here.

[chaotic13]

Thank you all for your insight. I know that I need to speak up and verbalize what I am feeling. This seems to be a barrier that I need to push through in order to make progress. I think my husband was able to drop his defenses and express himself and that's why his needs were addressed. My sons confidence and behavior is improving also as a result of her intervention. I guess I can't complain about therapy, if I don't speak up for myself. I think the fact that I really don't know what I'm feeling or wanting from one minute to the next is a big part of the problem. I think I've opened up a can of worms by seeking therapy myself. However my unhappiness is compelling me to continue regardless of how uncomfortable I am. The therapist I chose has been nothing but kind and empathic and has proven that she is trustworthy and will not disclose private information even to my husband. When I look at things logically, the problem likely lies with me not her. I guess I just need take your advise and find a way to open my mouth. Thank you all.

[ECHOES]

It can be hard. I spent many sessions saying "I don't know what to say." Sometimes saying that is the beginning.

Don't put blame on yourself though. It isn't about blame. Perhaps she is giving you the room and time you need. She knows that it is hard for people to open up. She knows that not knowing how we are feeling can be reason itself to seek therapy.

Just tell her how hard it is for you to "open your mouth" and let her help with it from there.

[withit]

I had a similar situation many years ago. I was seeing a t and asked her to help me improve my marriage. She met my husband, we had some joint sessions and some separate (apart from my own individual therapy with her) and I remember one time she told me to do something that would benefit my dh. I told her right then and there that I felt she was ignoring my own needs, that she knows it is hard for me to 'submit' to his needs when I am emotionally unable to do so. Her response was that I asked her to help with the marriage and doing so would be 'for the marriage'. I heard her good and well. And then I realized that I was no longer able to 'do for the marriage'. I'd become too burnt out, and as you know the deep wounds of verbal abuse take a looooooong time to heal, if ever.

I suggest as other posters have already mentioned, to express your thoughts and feelings to the therapist and see if you can come up with some creative way of dealing with his needs vs. your inability to 'submit' to his needs vs. how much CAN you do for the marriage, if you can.

This is tough work, but if your marriage can ultimately be salvaged in a good way it will be worth your efforts. Needless to say, don't lose sight of your 'self' along the process. After all, marriage is about two whole people coming together.

Best of luck to you!

[sunrise]

mckell, are you continuing to see your therapist in individual sessions as well as in couples? Please don't give up the individual. Those sessions are just for yourself and serve a different purpose from the couples. It may be much harder for you to articulate your needs to the T in front of your husband during a couples session than it is in your individual sessions. I have had both individual and couples sessions with my therapist. They are different animals! You can get the support you need in your individual sessions to make the couples sessions even more effective. Good luck.

[chaotic13]

She wanted to see my son again tomorrow. I don't know if I will get a chance to talk with her after is appointment or not. I don't want to take away from his treatment my interjecting my own issues into his sessions. If I could cry at this point, I think I would be doing so at this very minute.

I think I just need to focus on the fact that the arguing has stopped and I should be thankful for that.

Thanks again for everyone's insight and suggestions. If I get the chance tomorrow I will force myself to express my feelings.

[ECHOES]

mickell,

If you would like to see her separately, let her know.

Tell her you would like to see her and make an appointment while you're there tomorrow. Then you'll have your own time and you'll have her all to yourself for your needs. But do tell her, let her know. The only way she'll know what you want is if you tell her, express it.

hugs,

[chaotic13]

Just thought I send out a quick thank you to all of you who responded to this post. I met with T today briefly and actually stated "out loud" some of the comments I wrote above. This was very difficult andt seemed to get me at least moving forward with my communication skills. Thanks again for all of your encouragement and for reminding me that she is not a mind reader. I have to speak up to get my needs met. I have another session schedule just for me.
TY

That is terrific!!! I feel really proud of you. It can be really hard to say how one feels... I find it really very hard myself... Takes a lot of courage and bravery. Well done