[Demunie]

Have you ever broken a promise to your T? If yes, why? Did you tell them? How did they react?

[captgut]

What kind of promise?
I stopped taking my meds without permission.
Maybe that's all

[Demunie]

In my case, not to hurt myself

But I'm interested in everyones experience

[thesnowqueen]

Can't really remember if I have or not! Re. self harm, the arrangement is that I contact T before doing anything. However, the T I am seeing is new and I'm not really comfortable doing this... I have so far managed not to, but it may be something I need to discuss :/ Perhaps it would be helpful to talk about it in order to examine what led you to need to SH so much that you had to disregard the promise?

[captgut]

He asked me not to kill myself before he pays off mortgage..of course it was a joke.
I didn't promise anyway, because I'm not sure I can keep this promise

[ScarletPimpernel]

T and I don't make promises to each other. The only thing that could be seen as a promise is my safety contract with her. I have to call her before I do anything to myself (SI or SUI). If I didn't follow it, I'd feel like I was breaking a promise.

I also feel like lying is breaking a promise and vice versa. So I try my best to tell the truth. Though I do tend to lie by omission to my family. But to T, Pdoc, and fiance, I'm always open and honest.

[nottrustin]

I dint think she has ever asked me to promise anything. I have promised to try to do/not to do or consider things. But even when I tell her I will try I know whatever happens she supports me and we will with through it.

[captgut]

Originally Posted by Demunie

Have you ever broken a promise to your T? If yes, why? Did you tell them? How did they react?

Demunie
I can't stop thinking about your post
You've broken a promise not to SH, right?
I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I think, you should tell your T, if you didn't. It's not a kind of "you've broken a promise, you're bad!". Your T cares about you.. If you don't tell, you'll probably continue to blame yourself for breaking a promise. But you're not guilty..

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Can't really remember if I have or not! Re. self harm, the arrangement is that I contact T before doing anything. However, the T I am seeing is new and I'm not really comfortable doing this... I have so far managed not to, but it may be something I need to discuss :/ Perhaps it would be helpful to talk about it in order to examine what led you to need to SH so much that you had to disregard the promise?

I'm not sure if that's a good idea. What if he throws me out for it? (I'm 99% sure he wouldn't, but you never know). Breaking promises means breaking trust. I want to be reliable and I hate it if people don't trust me. What makes matters worse is that nothing happened. I just hurt myself because "I can".

Originally Posted by captgut

He asked me not to kill myself before he pays off mortgage..of course it was a joke.
I didn't promise anyway, because I'm not sure I can keep this promise

I hope you can... Hang in there.

[stopdog]

I don't make promises to therapists. The therapist has said she promises X or Y, but has rarely gone more than a week or two before breaking said promise. I told her to quit using the word until she got a better understanding of what it meant

[LonesomeTonight]

Yes. I had Googled my marriage counselor back in early December and found his wife's Facebook page (it was pretty locked down, so I could only see current and past profile pictures). I told him about it via text, and he called me to ask what I'd found. He was concerned that I'd actually found an update page that his wife's sister posted about his wife's health condition. I confirmed it wasn't that, and he asked that I not go digging around anymore. I said I wouldn't. Also in the call, he said he'd probably have to take some time off soon, but he wanted to make sure I knew if he canceled, it wasn't related to my Googling.

And I kept that promise until about a month later, when he did have to cancel at the last minute. I said something to T about the cancelation, and she seemed really sad and said she really wished she could tell me what was going on. I had a really bad feeling. So I did Google his wife, and the first thing that came up was her obituary--she'd passed away about 10 days earlier.

I was scared that MC would be angry at me--and he would have had every right to be. When we had our next session (we'd let him know we knew with brief condolence e-mails before that), I apologized to him, saying I wasn't looking for forgiveness, that I just felt really bad for breaking a promise. He said he wasn't angry with me. The next session, something came up about it again, and i said I didn't understand why he wasn't angry, that he had every right to be. He said again that he wasn't. And that even if he was--and he wasn't--it would have been OK. And that he wouldn't have terminated us or anything.

[junkDNA]

not really an explicit promise, but i have lied numerous times. mostly about taking my meds and using drugs. i always eventually fess up , though.

also, he can pretty much tell without me saying anything because i get psychotic. and if he directly asks me, like, are you using drugs again? i answer honestly

[MBM17]

Usually I do what he asks me to do, but a few times I have committed to doing an assignment and purposely not done it. That's rare, though. I'm generally very compliant, honest, and a hard worker, so this situation doesn't come up much.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Demunie

I'm not sure if that's a good idea. What if he throws me out for it? (I'm 99% sure he wouldn't, but you never know). Breaking promises means breaking trust. I want to be reliable and I hate it if people don't trust me. What makes matters worse is that nothing happened. I just hurt myself because "I can".
.

Sorry - only just saw your response I'm not sure if you have seen him yet but I think he would see it to your credit that you were telling him about it. Nothing might have 'happened' that lead you to do it, but there would have been thoughts and ideas that preceded the self harm that should be examined. After all, we don't do everything we 'can' do so there is a reason you decided to do that - even THOUGH you strongly believe in keeping your word.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by captgut

He asked me not to kill myself before he pays off mortgage..of course it was a joke

I tell my t, hes the doctor, im the comedian - i will tell him when he has made a joke!

I feel like he wouldnt expect me to do anything he cant do, so i dont worry about him expecting perfection.

[captgut]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I tell my t, hes the doctor, im the comedian - i will tell him when he has made a joke!

I'm sorry I can't understand
Maybe my English is too bad!

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Sorry - only just saw your response I'm not sure if you have seen him yet but I think he would see it to your credit that you were telling him about it. Nothing might have 'happened' that lead you to do it, but there would have been thoughts and ideas that preceded the self harm that should be examined. After all, we don't do everything we 'can' do so there is a reason you decided to do that - even THOUGH you strongly believe in keeping your word.

Thx snowqueen. I guess you're right. I saw him yesterday but haven't told him yet. I have a really hard time bringing the topic up in general. Maybe I'll try next time I see him. Or he'll realise it himself, I can barly move my hand now because everything is swollen, lol. We'll see.

He asked me to extend my promise for 3 more months (had promised for 4 weeks before) and I just said yes, without further discussing it. He used to make me promise when he went on vacation, what made sense to me. But those 4 weeks and now 3 more months just seem cruel to me He should know that I can never do that.
I'm sorry, I'm venting.

captgut - understanding unalula is an art only very few master

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by captgut

I'm sorry I can't understand
Maybe my English is too bad!

Oh goodness. I should not post when i only wake up to go to the bathroom - i dont make sense! Sorry!

[captgut]

(((((Demunie)))))
3 month is a long time. I hope you can do that...But if you think you can't, he should know it, you're right.

Don't make him think you're doing well while you don't! It's really important...

[Demunie]

When my father found out about my SH years ago, he said that I had misused and betrayed his trust. We never talked about it again. Guess that's one of the reasons I'm so reluctant to tell... don't want to misuse Ts trust

I never made any promise to therapists but broke my decisions and promises to myself (some of which I told my T's) many times. A lot of that was when I was struggling with addiction and related issues.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Demunie

When my father found out about my SH years ago, he said that I had misused and betrayed his trust. We never talked about it again. Guess that's one of the reasons I'm so reluctant to tell... don't want to misuse Ts trust

A T is not the same as your parent. It might feel that way at times. But your T is there to support you. Not to be, like, parent of the year or something. Your T should be there for you no matter what (ideally, your parent should be, too, but that's not how it always works, unfortunately--I know from my own personal experience). But your T shouldn't judge you or feel disappointed in you. Your T should just want to help. So please share with your T...

Possible trigger:

I say this as someone who has self-harmed and been afraid to tell my T...but both she and marriage counselor were very supportive and nonjudgmental. MC even explained to H how it was different from wanting to commit suicide. How it can be a coping mechanism and provide some sort of relief/comfort, even though it's maybe not the healthiest choice. They both care, but didn't judge and didn't act differently toward me, aside from my T expressing a bit of concern.

[thesnowqueen]

The whole point of these kinds of 'promises' is to assist you in stopping a destructive behavior. There really is NO other purpose to them. I know that having made such a pact with a T is one of the factors that assists me in abstaining from SH. However, if T is pushing this to a level which is totally unrealistic then I think its going to exacerbate the situation. Feeling bad because you have let him down - or feeling like you need to keep info from him - is only going to make the situation worse. Could you change the promise to that you will message him first if you are going to self harm? Rather than that you won't self-harm? Perhaps you could also discuss what it would mean if you were not able to keep your promise. What would it mean for the relationship?

[captgut]

Well, I was giving you all these "wise advice"... But I just SI-ed again, and I m afraid to tell my T lol

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

A T is not the same as your parent. It might feel that way at times. But your T is there to support you. Not to be, like, parent of the year or something. Your T should be there for you no matter what (ideally, your parent should be, too, but that's not how it always works, unfortunately--I know from my own personal experience). But your T shouldn't judge you or feel disappointed in you. Your T should just want to help. So please share with your T...

Possible trigger:

I say this as someone who has self-harmed and been afraid to tell my T...but both she and marriage counselor were very supportive and nonjudgmental. MC even explained to H how it was different from wanting to commit suicide. How it can be a coping mechanism and provide some sort of relief/comfort, even though it's maybe not the healthiest choice. They both care, but didn't judge and didn't act differently toward me, aside from my T expressing a bit of concern.

You're right, of course they aren't supposed to be a parent. It's just a connection I realised yesterday (to be honest, I was more asleep than awake, probably wouldn't have shared it otherwise...). I'm glad your T/MC reacted that well.

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

The whole point of these kinds of 'promises' is to assist you in stopping a destructive behavior. There really is NO other purpose to them. I know that having made such a pact with a T is one of the factors that assists me in abstaining from SH. However, if T is pushing this to a level which is totally unrealistic then I think its going to exacerbate the situation. Feeling bad because you have let him down - or feeling like you need to keep info from him - is only going to make the situation worse. Could you change the promise to that you will message him first if you are going to self harm? Rather than that you won't self-harm? Perhaps you could also discuss what it would mean if you were not able to keep your promise. What would it mean for the relationship?

Discussing what happens if I break the promise sounds like a great idea, I haven't thought of that. This way I could bring up the topic and it'd probably ease my anxiety around it...

Originally Posted by captgut

Well, I was giving you all these "wise advice"... But I just SI-ed again, and I m afraid to tell my T lol

Hugs... Sorry if I triggered anything, wasn't the idea