Going to buy T a plane ticket and send him back on vacation.

So it took me about 3 seconds to get angry at him. Classic.

I left T a message around 2:30. When I got done with class I turned my phone back on and saw that he hadn't called. I was half-annoyed, but he has never failed to get back to me on the same day that I have called so I was still expecting that I would hear from him. And I was sort of glad because that meant I could pick up the phone if he did call.

When I drive home from school, there is this park/wooded area that I cut through. It is the only point in the drive in which I do not get service. It takes about two minutes to cut through there. Well as my luck would have it, T manages to call during the two minutes in which I do not get service. So the phone does not ring... and I discover a voicemail on my phone once the service returns.

The voicemail.

Hi, it's M. Yes, I am back and it has been awhile. Well, I was just returning your message. If you need to, you can call me back and I'll try to get back to you. Alright, R, buh-bye.

WHAT

That's it?

The message was interesting because when he said "Alright" at the end (as if the message was even long enough to include a beginning, middle, and end) he sort of giggled when he said it... but not in a mocking way at all... sort of in a maybe he found my "do you still exist" message somewhat endearing. BUT STILL. It did not help.

I tried really hard to say to myself.... this is what I was asking for. A message. To say he is back. His voice. That's all. But I guess I was hoping for a little more:

Hope everything is going well.
Glad you called.
See you on Friday.
I missed you so much I tried to make my wife cut the vacation short, but she wouldn't do it.

Ok, maybe not that last one.

The week before he went away he had left me a message in regards to some confusion about whether or not I was going to still see my pdoc over there... Now that was a taking-care-of-business type call and he still said in the message, "I hope your internship is going well today" and "We can talk about this on Friday" and "Be well." Now this was a I-haven't-seen-you-in-two-weeks-and-I-have-no-object-constancy type call and he said none of that.

So I got mad. Quickly. If I need to call, I can and he will "try" to call me back? HA! There is no way on this earth that I would call him between now and Friday's session. No.

That's when I decided I was doing better before I spoke with him and that I'd like to send him back on vacation.

I'm setting a boundary. T is no longer allowed to use the phone. He sucks at leaving messages.

Yes...And -- perhaps now that he is "really" back, is it OK to get mad at him for daring to leave in the first place? And you probably nailed it when you said you wanted him to say, "I missed you so much..." -- even if you were half joking. I'm reminded of a young child (not that I think you are acting young) who holds it together all day at school or childcare and then mom comes back and the child has a melt down. And the teacher says, "I swear, she was doing fine before you arrived." You've held it together for so looong -- and the anticipation of hearing his voice and feeling his safety is so great -- and then whoa Nelly - the disappointment of it being too casual. And too short. And you missed his call. And it wasn't personal enough.

Yeah - I'd be upset too.

Vacations call up so many super hard emotions. They remind us in such a visceral way that our therapists have "other" lives - ones that don't include us. That doesn't mean they don't care. My therapist tells me frequently that missing someone means you are close to them and that you care. And that is a good thing. However mad you are, I hope you can allow yourself some sense of peace that he is back, he does still know your number and he made the time to call you back.

((Pinksoil))

This sounds so much like my first phone call I think you were eavesdropping!!



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I tried really hard to say to myself.... this is what I was asking for. A message. To say he is back. His voice. That's all. But I guess I was hoping for a little more

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Damn if this isn't what I was thinking. I have three theories. 1. Maybe those of us who have object constancy issues, don't have the capacity to ask for what we need because we haven't experienced getting or keeping what we need and 2. T wants you to express your needs and 3. T's are not good at staying connected either and they drift off during vacation and come back impersonal and disconnected.

You'll just have to call again and leave a better message, modeling for him how it is done effectively. Like, %#@&#! you you idiot!

Peace & Love....

Pink! I had a feeling he'd leave a message like that and I don't know why.

The 'alright' at the end is interesting with the chuckle. I'm guessing he knew you weren't going to like this voice mail. He's just warming you up for Friday methinks.

I could be wrong, I usually am. That is kind of how I feel about it. No way that I am calling again. this week anyway

I love the name of this post...

Give him hell on Friday!

Thanks guys, for validating my angry emotions. At least I know I'm not being (completely) irrational. Part of me does want to call back, sort of like a "do-over." Incidentally, do you know how many times I have told him in session, "I am NEVER calling you again!" Many, many times. I never stick to it. I think I should just let it go and talk about it on Friday. Hey it's 11:28 PM. In 32 minutes it will officially be Thursday and I can say, "My session is tomorrow." I just want to let things unfold. I will try to think about the state I was in 28 minutes after our last session, 2 weeks ago. And how I made it to this point... I can wait, I can wait.

MsLittleSister, thank you for your insight. You are right on when you said it's like a little kid losing it when mom comes to pick her up at daycare. The most prominent part of my personality in dealing with missing T has been the child.

oh why do i keep listening to the message and torturing myself??

i keep trying to regroup and let the message help me by hearing his voice but it keeps annoying me more and more each time.

in fact the last time listened to it i said "shut the %#@&amp;#! up" to the message, lol.

this is not how i want to spend my first session which is now 26 hours away. yes, i'm counting the hours. yes, i am pathetic.

Can you leave him a message saying how you feel and how you felt about his response to your call before? That way you can discuss it on the phone and not have to use the time during session.
I count the hours down to therapy as well when I am really needing her.

Pink I'm so sorry. Why do they never respond the way we want. Sometimes I think JERK JERK JERK. He really isn't a jerk just not giving me what I want/need. Is it possible he was trying to be theraputic. I don't know sometimes I just don't know what to think about T's. They are an odd lot - no offense to anyone. It takes a special type of person to be a T, so that last comment wasn't meant in a bad way. I hope your session goes well.