[lauren_helene]

I had a brainstorm this afternoon and initially it seemed like a great idea. Now I'm like what the $#@! am I thinking?

I've been keeping an online mood chart and journal. So, I created a full report of all 'symptoms' and summarized (in pencil) what was going on with me each day from Aug. 10 until today.

This is ALMOST full disclosure of what is in my head when I hit these peaks and valleys.

Full disclosure would be printing out those journals and handing them to him. I'm not there yet.

Pink, you are coming to mind right now. I'm scared... I'm not sure I can even give him what I have now.

How do I know if he even wants this information? He knows I'm tracking and he's never asked...what am I thinking?

[purplemoon]

Alemada,

That has to be hard. Maybe he is waiting for you to bring it up first.

[sunrise]

almedafan, why don't you bring up the topic and see if he is interested in going over your charts with you. It could be he is very interested, or maybe if he sees it more as a tool for you to use on your own?

Good luck at your session.

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almeda24fan said:
Pink, you are coming to mind right now. I'm scared... I'm not sure I can even give him what I have now.

How do I know if he even wants this information? He knows I'm tracking and he's never asked...what am I thinking?

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I realize that as I'm replying to this, your session is undoubtedly over. I was going to tell you to bring it with you no matter what. This is what I normally do when I have something that I am unsure about sharing. Because if you are even considering sharing something with your T it means that part of you wants to. At least your unconscious part. So when you bring it along, that helps things a little. Then you can really make the decision right there in session. Or sometimes even holding what you want to share helps to bring things out. I am a very extreme person. I tend to do either nothing at all or all of it at once. I did not give him one poem, I gave him a manuscript. I did not "test" out the couch or ease onto it, I jumped right on and ended up having a very intense, regressive experience. Sometimes the extreme serves me well in therapy, other times not. T is also learning how to deal with this-- i.e., how to help me ease into things so they won't be so painful vs. occasionally saying, "Come on! Just take a chance!"

Did you take a chance tonight?

I am anxious to hear what happened. I hope you had a good session.

[lauren_helene]

Yes Pink I did it! I walked in thinking if Pink can give her T an entire book of her most intimate thoughts, I can surely give him the chart and summary notes.

I was beyond scared because I thought he would be disappointed in me about what I posted the other day. He said at one point 'why are you so ashamed about this' or something like that. I just said I thought he would be disappointed, he didn't say he wasn't disappointed but maybe he didn't need to.

He didn't ask me many questions about what I wrote and then he gave it all back to me. He then said he didn't think it is productive for me to be tracking my moods daily since it is triggering obsessiveness etc. I did talk this over with him before I did it and he told me how to track moods from -5 to +5 but I guess he's seeing that I shouldn't track to this level of detail journals and all.

I told him that I felt like I was further along than I am. He said 'maybe you aren't right now'. He did comment on how depressed I seemed and I am but guess what? I have no idea why. He said I could write down what is happening at the time that I crash like that and bring it in to him.

The session went okay, nothing earth shattering happened. I asked him if he still thought seeing him again this week would be okay. He said that he didn't think he could fit it in with two days left to the week. Believe it or not, this didn't bother me.

I just said okay next week then. He suggested a book Mind Over Mood and he showed it to me, well sort of. He was standing too far away and I couldn't read what he was showing me. Again, normally I would be hurt but tonight not so much. Normally, I would want to say 'uh you can sit here and I won't jump you' but I didn't get the urge to say that.

I feel odd right now. I did tell him that I am not sure what to do when I get as bad as I did last week and that I don't want to be calling him or in fact, seeing him twice a week. I didn't say the last part. Just in case I change my mind on that one!

That is when he gave me the book. I'm looking it over and it's your favorite topic Pink CBT!!!

So we've come full circle, I started with CBT and it's back again. Although, he says he's been doing this with me. I think the book will be good from what I see so far. It's much more expansive than have a thought, write it down and then talk back to it.

We'll see how it goes

I still can't get over this odd feeling...I hope it comes to me soon.

Yaaaaaaaay CBT! Did I ever tell you about my dream in which T was wearing a cognitive behavioral therapy hat?

Anyway, I am proud of you. Interesting point that your T made about the tracking triggering obsessiveness. Maybe it would be better if you tried just writing some free association journals. Can you type without looking at the keyboard? What I do is I type out journals with my eyes closed. What comes out is amazing. I put music on in the background (usually one of the CDs he copied for me) and I just close my eyes and write-- it is like the equivalent of what is supposed to happen on the analytic couch. My unconscious is doing the writing. I often don't even remember or realize what I wrote until I look back later on. This is very helpful for me and sometimes I bring it into therapy and talk about some parts with him.

What do you think about this odd feeling? Did you feel connected to him?

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
Yaaaaaaaay CBT! Did I ever tell you about my dream in which T was wearing a cognitive behavioral therapy hat?

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No but the mental picture is funny :0)

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pinksoil said:
What I do is I type out journals with my eyes closed. What comes out is amazing. I put music on in the background (usually one of the CDs he copied for me) and I just close my eyes and write-- it is like the equivalent of what is supposed to happen on the analytic couch.

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I like this idea! My choice in music is: aerosmith, pink, aerosmith etc. I'm guessing that isn't the music you meant

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pinksoil said:
My unconscious is doing the writing. I often don't even remember or realize what I wrote until I look back later on. This is very helpful for me and sometimes I bring it into therapy and talk about some parts with him.

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I am going to try this, what a great idea!

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pinksoil said:
What do you think about this odd feeling? Did you feel connected to him?

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No I didn't feel connected but I also was fine with it. Maybe I'm withdrawing from the process mentally and shutting down? I'm not sure.

[sunrise]

Sounds like your session went well, almedafan. I will be curious to hear how you do with the new book. I looked it up on Amazon and it had many, many accolades.

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Maybe I'm withdrawing from the process mentally and shutting down?

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That kind of sounds like how I get when I am depressed.

Hope this book and approach are helpful for you.

[lauren_helene]

Oh good, I'll look it up too. I just bought it yesterday from Borders.