Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I so want to deal with this by myself, T. I so don't want to bother you on a Friday. I'm trying to think about what you would say to me. I don't want to bump into her. I wish T1 would **** off out of my life.

I am glad I am not the only one that feels this way about their t.

Dear Dr. S, Just wanted to say, I love you. - me

Well I haven't emailed you, I won't now. Send me a good thought though, eh?

T- I think I can understand the bewildered feeling , especially because of the things that have come up. And I've just done something that usually makes me go. and it's something I need to work on because it follows me ( what you resist persists and all that ) So I'll see the very stable and solid you on Monday.

T,

If even people I pay for caring don't care, then who does?

Dear Dr. H,

We had a wonderful session today, BUT I EFFIN' FORGOT TO ASK FOR YOUR EMAIL. Literally, that was the FIRST THING I planned to ask you! What the hell!

*bangs head against wall*



It's okay. lol. I'm not pissed. Just kicking myself for being so forgetful.

You don't know this yet, but I really want to send you an email with embarrassing stuff that I don't feel comfortable telling you in person. Also want to talk about my childhood (bullying, child mental illness etc.), parents neglecting me, and how my MI continues to affect me socially. (Well, I can't 100% blame my social problems on my Dx's because some of my problems are my own fault, but my Dx's have still affected me and I want to learn how to work around them.)

You've abandoned me

Dear Cactus Woman:

It seems that I have forgotten to cancel my Monday appointment with you. Guess I'm coming, cash in hand.

You got a second chance, girl. So show me what you got.

ATAT

Drafted email...

Hi Dr. S,

My surgery is still slated for check in time of ***am and it has moved to south OR. I should be in my room by time you are free, if there are no delays getting me into the OR.

- me

Thinking.. do I need to send this to you?? Why am I sending it to you? Because when we last talked, it was a wait list and everything was speculative. But do I need to confirm that things are on target or would you figure that I would only contact you if there was a problem?? Am I wanting to contact you because I'm scared, ok terrified in this moment. in the little engine that could... "I got this... I got this".. ***** sigh... I don't have any PRN anti-anxiety meds. Could you just knock me out until Tuesday?

I haven't told you but I am stable enough that I could move to once a week instead of our current twice a week. I don't want to, but I should. I enjoy meeting with you and feeling accepted and feeling like you actually want to talk I me. I am still very depressed, we both agree.

Please say something to me
Even if u wait til sunday

I need to know you have not given up

I'm trying to remind myself that you suggested not meeting with me because you really want me to stop using drugs

And I try to remind myself of the texts you sent on wednesday

It just really hurt that your response to my reaching out last night was to email me a bill

It felt so cold.

I'm alone and suffering but I AM STILL GOING. I haven't broken down. Well, not totally

Things have felt so rocky with you for the past couple of months

Please help me T. Don't just leave me High and dry..,

Me.

JunkDNA, when I reread the post you made after you saw T, it seems like he threw not seeing you out as an option, and then was clear to say it's up to you, you are in control of whether you do or don't. I think if you reach out again by phone and schedule an appointment sooner than you planned, he will be there for you. Don't let the texting issues get in the way of the real relationship. Sometimes things get muddled when we don't talk in person.

Thanks skeksi

I will think about it...maybe see if he can meet on wednesday... Im scared but that's not new...

Thanks skeksi

I will think about it...maybe see if he can meet on wednesday... Im scared but that's not new...

Still very depressed sounds like you could still benefit from twice a week. Not that it is any of my business.

You. Are. The. BEST.

t, i have been sitting here for the past few minutes trying to do another active with The Predator and it's just not going anywhere. I keep on seeing him as a part of me that has tricked me into thinking stuff that isn't true. but then at the same time, i think that just maybe he helped me see some stuff that is true that i have been steadfastly avoiding seeing. and then i start to feel nervous so i stop. we need to have a really difficult discussion next week and it's all about you and i and this convoluted thing they call the therapeutic relationship. i kinda wish i'd asked for a different day so i could be your last appointment of the day and schedule extra time.... i think we're gonna need it.... but i scheduled for the middle of the day instead cuz i'm off work that day. while i want a longer session, i think me coming there not tired from a long day of work will be better even if i can have only 50 mins.

when i heard your voice on the phone the other day, you sounded so happy. it made me smile. part of me thinks you were expecting me to call sooner rather than later, but then another part of me thinks you thought i wouldn't call at all. I'm really glad I'll be seeing you a week from today. I feel like I've been away for months and it's been only 16 days!!

Dear t,
I was drunk last night.
Luckily I don't have your number, but I posted a review about you on the site.
I feel extremely ashamed, I don't want to reread it.
There is nothing bad, but I'm bad.
Please sorry

Thanks for your support. I trust you and I look forward to our work together.

This is torturous. Please get out of my head

I am feeling so anxious and I'm not sure why but I think it has something to do with you because I'm thinking about you a lot.
Either you're what's making me anxious or else you are my go-to thought when I am feeling anxious.

Watching some of your online video eased the anxiety somewhat so i suspect it's the latter.

I miss you, T

Dear R,

This is only tangentially related to what we're working on, but I think it's pertinent. I nearly had a meltdown in The Range today, prompted by a display of Easter cards. I sighed and turned away, but remain frustrated at my inability to allow myself to feel that emotion. This self-preservation stuff has a cost.

T i have done some difficult work this morning at my training. I will share with you on friday since part of it is the realization that i may indeed need a diff t. I don't want to leave you. But i may need to.