newbie looking for support

I'm new to posting here, though I've lurked for awhile. I could use support and perspective on my current situation.

I have been in and out of psych hospitals for suicide ideation and/or attempts for many years. Most recently I almost "succeeded." So, it makes a lot of sense that my T is scared.

I don't think meds have been particularly helpful. And, I worry that psych meds have just become another tool in my self-sabotage tool box.

I'm really trying to break out of a really bad cycle of suicidality. Removing meds from the equation feels like one way of getting out of this cycle - knowing that removing meds from the equation might mean needing extra support and vigilance.

My T is generally very supportive and is available by phone when I need to talk with her (while, that is a difficult option to exercise, I've committed to taking care of myself in that way when I need to.) I've been working with her for almost four years.

The dilemma is that we can't reach agreement about the meds - which would be fine if I thought I could still reach out for her support. I worry that if I don't take meds, my need to reach out to her at times won't be legitimate. I worry that if I do take meds I'd be doing it to maintain the support I have in her, rather than because I really think it's in my best interest long-term.

I have been on at least twenty different meds in the last six years. I have been off all meds, except for a benzo, for three months.

I am not in an easy emotional place. I definitely have suicidal thoughts, but no worse than when I've been on meds. I understand her fear. I know that I don't have the "right" answer. Even while I understand her fear, I am concerned that it is an obstacle in my attempting to break out of an old pattern. (which is always a scary proposition!!)

I am not opposed to meds, in general. I don't feel like they are offering any relief for me right now, and might actually be in my way at this moment of the struggle.

My T is not my med prescriber and I am working with that separately with a pdoc. So, really she doesn't have to be involved in the decision. Ideally, I'd have her support or barring that, a commitment to work fully with me despite disagreeing with my choices about my treatment.

I'm stuck here. It's not fair to need her to check her fear, but it's sort of what I feel like I need. At other times I have needed her to react out of that place of fear to help keep me safe.

I can't imagine how difficult her job is.

I know that I don't want responses that are just about how I should take the meds because they are inherently good- the situation is more complex than that. Other than that, I'm open to most any kind of response.

Thanks.



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Hi doubtful, and welcome to PC.

Could you enlist the aid of your pdoc in communicating with your therapist on why you have eliminated many of your meds right now? Maybe he can help explain to her how your suicidal ideation is not worse now that you are only on a benzo, and in fact, maybe some of the med cocktail was contributing to your problems. Maybe your T can be reassured if she hears from a professional that you are not worse now that you are only on a benzo.

Congrats on getting free from some of your meds that were not helping. I believe meds can be very helpful, but if you and your pdoc realize they are not helping, I see no reason to hang in there on them.

I had a counselor before my current therapist, and she was vehemently opposed to meds. I'm not a gung ho med person myself, but I am open to them. It interfered with my therapy to have her so in my face with her anti-meds view. I was really feeling down, severely depressed for months, barely getting through each day, and she said she wouldn't treat me if I took an anti-depressant. I just felt like my therapy shouldn't have these constraints and she should stay out of the meds area--she wasn't an MD, after all, so she should stick to her area of expertise. Anyway, I think it can cause problems in therapy when the therapist interferes with a well thought out and considered approach to meds by the client and the client's doctor.

Maybe you don't even need to discuss your meds with your therapist. Just keep that topic out of the therapy room. I have never discussed meds with my current therapist. If your therapist brings it up, just deflect the question by saying, "Thanks for your concern. I'm working on that issue now with my psychiatrist."

Hi Doubtful,
Welcome to PC!! You will find lots of loving and supportive folks here and even a pain in the *** or two. Just like anywhere else I suppose...

All kidding aside, am struck with how you really have an understanding of what your T goes through and must feel, etc. in working with you. You mention her fear, reactions, opinions, thoughts, etc.

I'm wondering about YOUR fear, feelings, thoughts, etc. Are you afraid for yourself? Do you want to get well and stay out of the hospital? Do you know why you want to kill yourself?

I think if you get closer to some of what you think and feel, you may begin to get some answers.

Whether to take meds or not is ultimately your decision if you're an adult. I know some pdocs and Ts will get pissy if a patient is constantly suicidal and NOT on meds. You might ask your T and pdoc if the decision to not take meds is truly your own.

I'm here to support you. You and only you. I am glad you found PC and I look forward to getting to know you better. I really hope you do stay safe and at least make a committment to YOURSELF to find out why you feel like ending your life is your only way to end your pain. I'm living proof that that is just not so. I've been where you are now, and, I've also recovered. Life isn't perfect, but it doesn't totally suck either.
Take good care,
Okie

First of all, I am so sorry for all of your pain and struggle. I have a lot of compassion for your situation.

Switching medication in and of itself can cause much emotional instability.

You seem to have a great deal of insight into your situation, and I feel a lot of success of any type of treatment is the client's "buy in." Unfortunately, therapists and psychiatrists have to work according to a predetermined "standard of care" that has different levels and if a person is suicidal, it's pretty much accepted that person needs to be on medication. And our current medical system is pretty jittery about lawsuits and such and that doesn't allow for much in the way of looking at creative solutions for individual situations. Your therapist may very well understand and possibly agree with your decision not to be medicated but can't say that because of ethical reasons.

I'm not sure what your diagnosis is, but have you looked into DBT? It was designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, but many, many people utilize it for other things. Mainly, it does seem to cut down on suicidal behavior. One advantage it has is the use of groups which would be another source of support. Since you seem concerned about your therapist's single role as support, maybe this would be a good thing. I have not done this myself, but I watched a talk by the creator of DBT on suicidal behavior and was impressed about how this particular therapy cut down on attempts WITHOUT the use of medication. I think I have the link to the Internet video you could watch. Again, Borderline Personality Disorder has an unfortunate and undeserved stigma, especially considering its causes are from horrible childhood trauma, but this treatment addresses any kind of distress and in particular suicidal issues from any reason or disorder.

Good luck to you.

This is the link to the lecture on suicide treatment I mentioned in my post if you're interested . . .

http://www.researchchannel.org/prog/...=16248&fID=573

thank you for your kind and quick responses.

sunrise, i like your suggestion to just keep my T out of the med discussion. it seems challenging because i feel like tapering off of meds and being mostly med free has been one part of a fuller picture of breaking out of my patterns/cycles. it feels like a loss (however small) to not have her tacit support in a component of my plans to help myself heal.

okie, i think you're totally right. i am afraid! i am really afraid to give up thinking of suicide as an option. i am also afraid of the dark places i go to. overall, i am really afraid to break out of my pattern (for a whole host of reasons). i guess that's why i have such empathy for my T - we both have to tolerate a fair amount of anxiety. i wish she was empathising with more than just my fear!

caramee, thanks for the video link. i will check it out. i've done dbt light. were it was just the classes, no individual therapy. i liked a lot of what i learned. i wish my insurance covered an actual dbt program.

i think in part this feels so distressful because i'm simultaneously dealing with feeling not very connected to T. we are rarely SO not on the same page.

thanks again.

Welcome, doubtful.

You sound like a very kind and sweet person to worry about your T and have compassion on her. Could you tell her how you feel not connected to her when she opposes your getting off meds. Is there a way you can express your reason and ask her what her fears are.

Maybe more communication will get you on the same page.