[rainbow8]

I've had some hopefully minor medical issues lately and​ have been in pain. I just started Meloxicam last night and was feeling tired and still achy today. So I updated T about my conditions after I did a little slow breathing with her.

I really wasn't up to anything heavy so we did the eating a raisin meditation and T asked if I wanted to work on my eating issue. I need to lose weight but I gave up. I'm not that motivated but it's probably a good idea.

All too soon the session was over and I felt blah. I left but went back in (T didn't have a client there yet) and asked if she could say I love you to me again because I felt empty. She did and I said "I love you too." It's not that I didn't know it but I felt blah in general, and didn't think I accomplished anything in the session. It felt like I was looking for something to hold onto, but I know it's not T anymore. That makes me sad.

It's been hard to get away from talking about not feeling well! I also don't know what more I want to work on. I don't know if we finished EMDR topics, and shame stuff. I seem to just need T to be there for me, yet I'm sure some topics are unfinished. I didn't feel like talking about my husband again. I did say I wanted to do things in a hurry because I feel like I'm going to die soon. I hope that's not true. I didn't feel up to discussing that either.

I feel conflicted. I don't need T as much but she's so much a part of my life now. I don't think of her the same way as I used to. I think I ought to make a list of what else I want to work on and see what T thinks. I hate endings!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Why does it have to end? Maybe you just need more time in between sessions? You can still have T's support even if you don't work on actual issues. That's why my T and I are reducing, but continuing therapy.

Perhaps it is time to consider spacing out your sessions to see if you are ready to manage on your own.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Why does it have to end? Maybe you just need more time in between sessions? You can still have T's support even if you don't work on actual issues. That's why my T and I are reducing, but continuing therapy.

Maybe. I was fine these last 2 weeks but I feel very sad at the thought of spacing out sessions. I will miss 2 sessions because I'm going away in a few weeks. I know T won't change how she feels about me, but I'm​ struggling with the idea of seeing her less. I have a big lump in my throat.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Perhaps it is time to consider spacing out your sessions to see if you are ready to manage on your own.

I could do that but it feels like a loss and I'm grieving already.

[granite1]

a few weeks ago my T and i talked about therapy and my trauma. that maybe it isnt possible for me to be able to talk about trauma and when i asked her then what is the point of me coming to therapy .she said that she felt it was a good thing for me to have someone to talk to that doesnt think i am bad .and that she was not going anywhere. so maybe that is the same kind of situation with you and your T . there is no reason you need to stop seeing her if you dont want as long as she is willing to see you . i think the problem comes when a person feels they need to create crises so they have something to talk about .its not bad to have someone to talk to about every day things if the therapist is willing to be that person .

[rainbow8]

I appreciate your reply, granite. Thank you. Yes, I'm not sure I need T right now but I don't want to lose the consistency of having her be there. I think the lack of intensity is depressing me a little. Something is missing in my sessions and I'm grieving. I have to adjust to my new relationship with T. I didn't need her to tell me she loves me yesterday. I felt disconnected from her. That's what happens when I go every 2 weeks. I have to get through this stage. I can't go backwards where T was everything to me but I miss those days. I've always been a nostalgic person. I have to realize that I'm progressing even though it's bittersweet. I've got physical concerns but T isn't helping as much as I thought she could. I'm seeing her limitations and I don't want to. I want to remember all the things she's helped me with instead. I'm not sure what is going on with me.

[DelusionsDaily]

Rainbow...in about the last year and a half I have reduced my sessions to once every other month or even less often with the option to call and schedule an earlier appointment if I need it. For me I compare it much to learning to ride a bike without training wheels, there are always there to put back on when you feel you need them but eventually you get to a place where (at least I hope for me) that I won't need them. However, in the case of T she can be kind of like a PRN in medication(more of an as needed than a constant), obviously this only when you are ready. I started reducing sessions kind of as a test and as I became more comfortable it got easier to stretch them out more.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Delusions. I'm glad it worked for you but there's no way I can see my T only once a month or less. I'm not ready. I have to do it more gradually and first I have to discuss my conflicted feelings about seeing her less often. It hurts me right now. Every 2 weeks may be doable. I'm not sure.

[Pennster]

Rainbow, it sounds like you are not feeling well physically - that's likely to affect how you are feeling overall. it sounds like you are putting a little pressure on yourself. Do you want to cut back right now? It doesn't really sound like it.

I think Granite makes good points about it being helpful to have someone to talk things over with. Making a list of things you still want to work on sounds like a great idea as well.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Pennster

Rainbow, it sounds like you are not feeling well physically - that's likely to affect how you are feeling overall. it sounds like you are putting a little pressure on yourself. Do you want to cut back right now? It doesn't really sound like it.

I think Granite makes good points about it being helpful to have someone to talk things over with. Making a list of things you still want to work on sounds like a great idea as well.

Thanks, Pennster. You're right. I have some medical issues, hopefully not major, but I'm stressed and depressed a little bit.

What is going through my mind is wondering if seeing my T is worth $100 a session. When insurance paid, no problem. But this is a ridiculous amount to pay out-of-pocket, I think. I can't take back my decision to pay it to her because she knows I can afford it. I feel stuck!

I like having her there for me, like granite said. It's the attachment thing! I don't like growing away from her. I wish I could do it all over again. I know that's weird! I want the relationship to become closer like it did before. Now it's a normal kind of relationship. I like that but I have to pay for it.

I really do have to make an honest list of what there is to work on. And also accept that I don't HAVE to cut down sessions yet it. I will miss 2 sessions soon so it's naturally happening. My old T would say I'm still a work in progress, I think.

[velcro003]

You still seem stuck on this money issue, is this part of it? $100 for a therapy session out of pocket is actually not expensive in the therapy world. If you can afford it, I am not sure what hte problem is?

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I really do have to make an honest list of what there is to work on. And also accept that I don't HAVE to cut down sessions yet it. I will miss 2 sessions soon so it's naturally happening. My old T would say I'm still a work in progress, I think.

Maybe do completely the opposite? Not to do any list and plan what you want to work on but rather try to give up control and just follow your feelings and thoughts in the session? They could lead you to places that you wouldn't even know to plan to go to.

Could it be that perhaps you have covered all the surface stuff that you could consciously think of and are now ready to go deeper?

[granite1]

rain i dont get the money thing was it not you who offered to pay your T more saying she was worth more and that now you can afford to pay more .i think it is kind of unfair to you T to offer this and then you seem to judge her for accepting it .

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by velcro003

You still seem stuck on this money issue, is this part of it? $100 for a therapy session out of pocket is actually not expensive in the therapy world. If you can afford it, I am not sure what hte problem is?

I can afford it but I don't like spending it. I feel like I'm buying friendship right now. I hate having thoughts like that! I have other friends but they are too busy to listen to me as much as I need. So I still need T but it seems a lot to pay for someone to just "be there" for me. I think I have to talk to T about feeling depressed about my life.

Originally Posted by feileacan

Maybe do completely the opposite? Not to do any list and plan what you want to work on but rather try to give up control and just follow your feelings and thoughts in the session? They could lead you to places that you wouldn't even know to plan to go to.

Could it be that perhaps you have covered all the surface stuff that you could consciously think of and are now ready to go deeper?

I doubt it. I've seen my T for 7 years and we've gone pretty deep. Many sessions have been without a plan. I've been spending too much of my session talking about physical pain lately. I have to stop doing that.

Originally Posted by granite1

rain i dont get the money thing was it not you who offered to pay your T more saying she was worth more and that now you can afford to pay more .i think it is kind of unfair to you T to offer this and then you seem to judge her for accepting it .

I'm not judging her for accepting it. I'm judging myself for not having a better attitude about it. I judge myself because I never earned much money in my life even with a Master's degree which is more than T has. I'm bitter. I know. I have to let the past go. Usually I feel like I get more from my sessions. I'm just going through a rough time now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I judge myself because I never earned much money in my life even with a Master's degree which is more than T has.

Off topic, sorry! In the US, I thought ALL Ts have to have a minimum of a masters? Except for religious counselors. So your T isn't really a T?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Off topic, sorry! In the US, I thought ALL Ts have to have a minimum of a masters? Except for religious counselors. So your T isn't really a T?

I think I made a mistake in writing that.

She's a degreed, licensed social worker.

[velcro003]

yes, which i thought all social workers have master's degrees?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by velcro003

yes, which i thought all social workers have master's degrees?

I know there's an MSW but I know my first T was a social worker but I'm not sure she was an MSW. My T has a bachelor's in another field, not related to social work. It doesn't matter much. What bothers me us me. I have a degree but never worked as a professional for various reasons.

My T emailed me back from Friday and said we will work on my complicated feelings about cutting back or not. She knows it's complicated. That made me feel better.