[AnxiousGirl]

Hey all, I hope everyone is well.

I sort of have a rant (or whatever you want to call this).. So for the past like 5-6 months my health anxiety has been absolutely dreadful. Ive fully convinced myself I'm dying and I'm like living my life as if I am (which is terrifying). Anyways, like many of you know I'm pretty shy and stuff so even though I've been seeing my T for like 2 years it's still hard for me to talk (which is normal for someone who is anxious all the time lol)... So yeah I had a session yesterday and I was really quiet/reserved because I had A LOT going on in my mind so I was more focused on that rather than the actual session and stuff. So after my session when I got home, I realized that it must have been frustrating for the T to have me go in and just say one word answers and stuff so I figured hey let me email my T and say sorry I was quiet and whatever and tell her it was because of the stuff going on in my head. So I emailed her using one of my email addresses but it didn't go under my sent folder so I emailed using another (my emails have been bouncing back a lot so I didn't know if she got it). So I sent her like a page of sorry and apologies and she emails back saying she got the email and can't always reply and that shell see me next week -__-. That's it. Then it hit me, like I probably think about my T 95% more than she thinks about me. So basically I feel like an idiot and I sort of don't feel like going in next week but I'm going to wait a few days before calling and cancelling the session. And also during a previous session a few weeks ago she said something along the lines that like I'm really closed off (which I 100% am) and that I haven't shown any emotion in 2 years seeing her. Like whats wrong with that? That doesn't mean I don't feel things.. Just because I don't show it.

So yeah I don't know what this ended up being but I just wanted to put it out there.

Hope everyone is having a better time than I am currently

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

Hey all, I hope everyone is well.

I sort of have a rant (or whatever you want to call this).. So for the past like 5-6 months my health anxiety has been absolutely dreadful. Ive fully convinced myself I'm dying and I'm like living my life as if I am (which is terrifying). Anyways, like many of you know I'm pretty shy and stuff so even though I've been seeing my T for like 2 years it's still hard for me to talk (which is normal for someone who is anxious all the time lol)... So yeah I had a session yesterday and I was really quiet/reserved because I had A LOT going on in my mind so I was more focused on that rather than the actual session and stuff. So after my session when I got home, I realized that it must have been frustrating for the T to have me go in and just say one word answers and stuff so I figured hey let me email my T and say sorry I was quiet and whatever and tell her it was because of the stuff going on in my head. So I emailed her using one of my email addresses but it didn't go under my sent folder so I emailed using another (my emails have been bouncing back a lot so I didn't know if she got it). So I sent her like a page of sorry and apologies and she emails back saying she got the email and can't always reply and that shell see me next week -__-. That's it. Then it hit me, like I probably think about my T 95% more than she thinks about me. So basically I feel like an idiot and I sort of don't feel like going in next week but I'm going to wait a few days before calling and cancelling the session. And also during a previous session a few weeks ago she said something along the lines that like I'm really closed off (which I 100% am) and that I haven't shown any emotion in 2 years seeing her. Like whats wrong with that? That doesn't mean I don't feel things.. Just because I don't show it.

So yeah I don't know what this ended up being but I just wanted to put it out there.

Hope everyone is having a better time than I am currently

Sorry your anxiety just keeps getting worse. What do you think it would take for you to tell your t what is going on? Either what is in your head while at t or about the health anxiety?

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Sorry your anxiety just keeps getting worse. What do you think it would take for you to tell your t what is going on? Either what is in your head while at t or about the health anxiety?

My T knows about the health anxiety, it's just that I don't know if she knows the severity. Like I tell her straight up I worry about my health 24/7 all the time but I feel like if I don't cry or show emotion she's not getting the full severity of it. I mean I cry before and after sessions just not during.

[Elio]

AnxiousGirl - Yes, I feel like I think about my T 95% or more than my T thinks of me. I think that is ok. There is only 1 of her in my life and there are many of "me's" in her life. With my attachment and lack of other supports in my life, it makes sense that I think so much about her. I get angry about it from time to time, too; usually when I am not feeling as connected to her or when I feel distancing is happening.

What do you do with the things you feel? Where do they get expressed (behaviors, hobbies, physically)? What do you think is leading you to be so closed off? Do you think your T was just trying to get you to be curious as to why you feel like you can't show your emotions?

What is wrong with not showing any emotions...? hmm the only thing that comes to my mind is that emotions are how we connect to other people - even when talking about intellectual things, it is our passion for those things or passion for intellectual discussions that connect us. I don't know - not sure it makes sense. Maybe the question is why do you feel you can't or that it is wrong to show an emotion (from time to time)?

[Elio]

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

My T knows about the health anxiety, it's just that I don't know if she knows the severity. Like I tell her straight up I worry about my health 24/7 all the time but I feel like if I don't cry or show emotion she's not getting the full severity of it. I mean I cry before and after sessions just not during.

Ah ok, emotions are expressed, just not in therapy. Why not? fear? shame? embarrassment? overwhelming?

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by Elio

Ah ok, emotions are expressed, just not in therapy. Why not? fear? shame? embarrassment? overwhelming?

I think it is fear. Like getting "out of my comfort zone". The only people who have ever seen me cry are my parents. Like sadly I've lost 2 people I really looked up to (one extremely) and I was around like 12 for the first and 18 for the other (I'm 21 now) and for both I didn't shed a tear in front of anyone. I cried alone in my room, and I had a session with T the next day and talked about it without crying.

It's just because I'm not used to just letting go when others are around.

[laxer12]

I'm sorry, that kind of response from a T would really mess with me too...

I don't think it's 100% necessary to show a ton of emotion in therapy. However, I do think it's important to talk about things that bring up emotions in you, regardless of whether you express them in session or not. I've seen 3 T's over the course of about 2.5 years (had to stop seeing the first two due to one of us moving away) and I've only cried twice. Both times were during the last 10 minutes of my last sessions with the first two T's. However, I have shown just enough emotion (like watery eyes), for them to pick up on how I'm feeling.

I think it is a misconception that you have to break down in therapy or outwardly express all emotion. A good T will pick up on the little things but it's important to be willing to talk about the stuff that caries those emotions.

Have you ever talked with your T about how it's hard for you to open up and express emotion to other people?

[unaluna]

Nobody is saying you have to cry in therapy. I rarely cry in therapy. Woody Allen said in Annie Hall, fifteen years and he never cried.

But. Theres always a but! Going in and giving just one word answers? Thats acting like the worst student ever, isnt it? I cant imagine you acting that way with your teachers. Do you do that with your parents?

Its like the only place that it is safe for you to be yourself, to not be intruded upon, is in therapy. No words enter you, no demands for grades, no germs or illnesses can get into you. Youre not an idiot, youre a genius. You protect yourself there.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by laxer12

I'm sorry, that kind of response from a T would really mess with me too...

I don't think it's 100% necessary to show a ton of emotion in therapy. However, I do think it's important to talk about things that bring up emotions in you, regardless of whether you express them in session or not. I've seen 3 T's over the course of about 2.5 years (had to stop seeing the first two due to one of us moving away) and I've only cried twice. Both times were during the last 10 minutes of my last sessions with the first two T's. However, I have shown just enough emotion (like watery eyes), for them to pick up on how I'm feeling.

I think it is a misconception that you have to break down in therapy or outwardly express all emotion. A good T will pick up on the little things but it's important to be willing to talk about the stuff that caries those emotions.

Have you ever talked with your T about how it's hard for you to open up and express emotion to other people?

My T knows about the issue I have when it comes to opening up, like it's nothing new to her. It's just she's been trying to help me overcome it and like slowly I guess I'm being more open (telling her how horrible I feel with my anxiety) but the emotions are whats missing I guess...

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Nobody is saying you have to cry in therapy. I rarely cry in therapy. Woody Allen said in Annie Hall, fifteen years and he never cried.

But. Theres always a but! Going in and giving just one word answers? Thats acting like the worst student ever, isnt it? I cant imagine you acting that way with your teachers. Do you do that with your parents?

Its like the only place that it is safe for you to be yourself, to not be intruded upon, is in therapy. No words enter you, no demands for grades, no germs or illnesses can get into you. Youre not an idiot, youre a genius. You protect yourself there.

Thanks for the reply. I know what you mean, I just for some reason don't feel safe in a lot of situation or places. I definitely don't do that with my teachers or parents :P But therapy seems to be really weird in that aspect. And I don't want to switch therapists because I like my T (sometimes haha) but yeah. I don't know, letting emotions out is way too hard for me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

Thanks for the reply. I know what you mean, I just for some reason don't feel safe in a lot of situation or places. I definitely don't do that with my teachers or parents :P But therapy seems to be really weird in that aspect. And I don't want to switch therapists because I like my T (sometimes haha) but yeah. I don't know, letting emotions out is way too hard for me.

Can you talk with her about giving her one word answers? Like, give her a one word answer, and then stop and talk about it. Make that one word the topic for the whole session, nothing else! Make therapy interesting for yourself, not just another thing you HAVE to do.

Im reading a book by the magician Penn Gillette, about how he lost 100 lbs, and in it he talks about how he does EVERYTHING crazy and big and wacky, so why would he lose weight any differently? That kinda sounds like the opposite of what im saying. But you can GRAB therapy and make it whatever you want. Its a huge gift! Its not a burden.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Can you talk with her about giving her one word answers? Like, give her a one word answer, and then stop and talk about it. Make that one word the topic for the whole session, nothing else! Make therapy interesting for yourself, not just another thing you HAVE to do.

Im reading a book by the magician Penn Gillette, about how he lost 100 lbs, and in it he talks about how he does EVERYTHING crazy and big and wacky, so why would he lose weight any differently? That kinda sounds like the opposite of what im saying. But you can GRAB therapy and make it whatever you want. Its a huge gift! Its not a burden.

Haha thanks for the reply. Honestly, the only way I can be open with my T is through email, or when I'm not really looking at her during sessions. But after the last email I'm done sending emails because whatever, it makes me feel worse and clearly she's not really liking them either. So what I'm basically doing, since I have 0 choice, is to push myself each session. I just feel hopeless and mad because of the time it's taken and still I'm not open. Again, nothing to do with the T, just my personality sadly.

[unaluna]

Sorry to nitpick you, but you dont have to look at her!

Do it the olden times way! Why not?

Youve heard of Tiger moms? I get the impression that your parents think they have a tiger child so they sent you to therapy, but its just another tiger demand to you.

Like you had no real childhood? The t I see is primarily a child psychologist, and you know im like 65. But i missed my childhood. I think the way you "miss" your sessions - youre there but youre not there - replicates something, like maybe missing your childhood? What do YOU think it means? Its such a strong pattern, it must mean something.

[thesnowqueen]

Do you think your health-fears and your fear of expressing emotion is related? Are you concerned not being able to fully control others perception of you? I personally worry a lot about judgment but therapy is the one place I feel ok about expressing everything. It must be really hard never having such a space

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Do you think your health-fears and your fear of expressing emotion is related? Are you concerned not being able to fully control others perception of you? I personally worry a lot about judgment but therapy is the one place I feel ok about expressing everything. It must be really hard never having such a space

The only way I see them being related is that if I cry talking about my fears regarding health anxiety I don't think I'll ever stop crying. At home I'm a mess everyday crying about it. But besides that I just feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable it's scary.

[BudFox]

People are usually more comfortable opening up or being vulnerable when the other person is doing the same. In therapy the other person sits and observes and scrutinizes instead. This lack of mutuality is a barrier to opening up because it blocks trust and blocks authentic connection.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by BudFox

People are usually more comfortable opening up or being vulnerable when the other person is doing the same. In therapy the other person sits and observes and scrutinizes instead. This lack of mutuality is a barrier to opening up because it blocks trust and blocks authentic connection.

Wow I never thought about it that way! I like that point of view though. Though oddly enough when I would talk about some sensitive things, I would notice my T tearing up yet I still wouldnt even look at her. Thanks for the reply.

[thesnowqueen]

Something I meant to say and forgot is that it sounds like because of the complications with your email system your therapist ended up receiving your email more than once, and that she interpreted that as you expecting an immediate response. I think that is why she actually responded in such a testy tone! You could send a one line email explaining that you re-sent due to your email system being unreliable.

Given that it is so hard for you to open up I'm really sorry that the electronic difficulties (and her interpretation) resulted in such a discouraging response. Instead of sending another email it would be EVEN BETTER to go to your next appointment and discuss that experience, if possible? Also let her know that you find it easier to communicate in writing and see what can be done about this!

[Elio]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Something I meant to say and forgot is that it sounds like because of the complications with your email system your therapist ended up receiving your email more than once, and that she interpreted that as you expecting an immediate response. I think that is why she actually responded in such a testy tone! You could send a one line email explaining that you re-sent due to your email system being unreliable.

Given that it is so hard for you to open up I'm really sorry that the electronic difficulties (and her interpretation) resulted in such a discouraging response. Instead of sending another email it would be EVEN BETTER to go to your next appointment and discuss that experience, if possible? Also let her know that you find it easier to communicate in writing and see what can be done about this!

In terms of options in how one communicates in therapy, there can be a wide range of things. I have read on here where the communication is in written form during session - maybe not all the time but when things get tough. Others do a distraction activity while they talk, play games, take walks...ect.

I write in a journal between sessions and I give portions of the journal to my T and she reads them between sessions. Periodically, I will ask her about her thoughts on what she's read and periodically, she will make a comment that indicates that she's read the journals; however, she rarely brings up something from the journal to talk about. Sometimes I read to her parts of the journal or have her read them in session if I want to talk about them. I have also had "play" sessions where a portion of the session was play - being read to and playing remote control cars. We've also started moving the furniture creating a more enclosed setting and sitting on the floor. All of these activities have been things I've asked for and are ways to experience and open communication. I don't completely know what the sitting on the floor is about, I have some sense as to what it is and I know it is something I needed/wanted. Those sessions feel different.

As my T says, the time is mine, how do I want to spend it... your time is yours, what do you want to get out of them and what will help you get there, put you at ease to get there?

[AnxiousGirl]

Thanks for the replies everyone. When I first started therapy, my T and I agreed on emailing between sessions since I was having a hard time talking about a few things. Emailing has definitely helped a lot since I can write things I can't actually say in session. Sometimes though I feel like I'm being annoying and sound stupid (which I feel in this last email incident) so what happens is that I call/email cancelling like 3 sessions in a row due to anxiety. I feel anxious a lot and plan on doing that. Last time I did my T called me to see what was going on. I don't even know if I'm a client that can be helped at this point. (Which I mentioned to T but she disagrees and says I can get over what I'm feeling).

[MBM17]

Are you concerned about her lame response to your email?
Or her saying you are closed off?
Or something else?

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by MBM17

Are you concerned about her lame response to your email?
Or her saying you are closed off?
Or something else?

More of the email. But I feel like at this point, everything.

[unaluna]

If you were running track or taking gymnastics, you wouldnt be expecting to go to the olympics after 2 years. Youre hanging in there, being thoughtful, writing writing writing! Thats more than most of us did. Esp for your age.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by unaluna

If you were running track or taking gymnastics, you wouldnt be expecting to go to the olympics after 2 years. Youre hanging in there, being thoughtful, writing writing writing! Thats more than most of us did. Esp for your age.

Thanks for that. I just get really discouraged often. It probably comes from my perfectionist attitude which my T and I are both aware of lol.