[slowandgentle]

I've been having trouble with T for months now around feeling he is disconnected, distracted, and really not there for me. We talked about it a few times, and it sort of felt resolved, but then I hit a really bad patch a couple of weeks ago.

Basically, he just wasn't there for me. I never ask for help outside of session, and never directly ask for his help if I am feeling s***al. He didn't return my texts or emails (we don't do that very much, so it's not like it's routine) and couldn't fit me in for an appt. We did finally talk on the phone for 15 mins, again, the theme was whether or not he was truly there for me.

Next session he basically ignored it, made not effort to work on a plan to help me stay safe, and was...I don't know...just not there again.

I was not going to go back after that. But I really didn't want it to end like this - still not really knowing whether it was my perception, transference, reality, or a mix .

So this week I talked with him. Told him I had been extremely angry after our last session (not like me at all), that I felt really let down, and he was starting to feel like another person in my life who was supposed to be caring for me, but wasn't doing their job. I said I was back because I wanted to use this as part of the WORK, and really get through it this time instead of walking away with more unresolved hurt in my heart.

He was brilliant. He agreed that we could work with it, and told me the most precious thing of all: my perceptions aren't off. He didn't go into details (he knows that would drive me out the door in 30s flat), but said that he had been 'full' for the past few months. It didn't feel like he meant from a work perspective but from a stress-cup perspective. It felt like it was something personal. But anyway, it was incredible to have my perceptions validated, to know what was real, and to know I am dealing with somebody who respects me enough not to ******** me, tell me it's all in my head, or make me feel crazy.

He acknowledged that he hasn't been paying enough attention and he has been careless with me (that's a big thing for me...being cared for).

[ruh roh]

I'm glad you worked it out and that he was able to validate that your perceptions weren't off.

[LonesomeTonight]

Wow, I'm really glad to hear that your talk went so well! That was brave of you to lay everything out there, but it definitely sounds worth it. I had wondered if he had something personal going on, too, since it had seemed like an abrupt change. Sounds like maybe he wasn't aware of how what he was feeling affected his work then, but he gets it now. Which is really important.

[cinnamon_roll]

That is a wonderful gift you gave yourself there, slowandgentle. Good for you that you chose to try and resolve it with him.

I had a similar situation with my current T like this. She 'abandoned' me right at the start when I'd just seen her for a few weeks. I'd actually decided that I couldn't trust her after that. Tried to find another T. But realized that it would be 'better' to try and clear things up with her directly. So after a couple of months I'd decided to give it another try with her.

Just her taking responsibility for what she did and saying, yes you have every right to be angry at me, and I'm sorry for this, was incredibly healing and empowering. If anything it made the connection much, much stronger.

Hoping the same will be true for you.

[satsuma]

I think it's great when a T is secure enough and honest enough to acknowledge their part when something has happened, instead of trying to be a "blank slate". Or denying that they could do anything wrong, which is not believable. I think it's a sign of a good T.

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by satsuma

I think it's great when a T is secure enough and honest enough to acknowledge their part when something has happened, instead of trying to be a "blank slate". Or denying that they could do anything wrong, which is not believable. I think it's a sign of a good T.

Yeah, for me it's a huge thing because I grew up in a family where my reality was almost automatically denied. It felt massively respectful that T did this - he knows how important it is to me.

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Wow, I'm really glad to hear that your talk went so well! That was brave of you to lay everything out there, but it definitely sounds worth it. I had wondered if he had something personal going on, too, since it had seemed like an abrupt change. Sounds like maybe he wasn't aware of how what he was feeling affected his work then, but he gets it now. Which is really important.

Yeah, he sort of said as much. That he was grateful to me for telling him as it was a bit of a heads-up for him re other clients, too.

It did feel really brave and I was so proud of myself: I had talked it through with T2 first (I have one for the psychodynamic stuff and one to help me actually stay in therapy without freaking out, and also as another set of eyes: after bad XT I feel very vulnerable that no-one is seeing what happens behind closed doors).
It was fantastic to do it so deliberately and mindfully and carefully - rather than. just walking in there with my feelings in a chaotic mess, anxiety sky bight and not knowing where or how to start.

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

That is a wonderful gift you gave yourself there, slowandgentle. Good for you that you chose to try and resolve it with him.

I had a similar situation with my current T like this. She 'abandoned' me right at the start when I'd just seen her for a few weeks. I'd actually decided that I couldn't trust her after that. Tried to find another T. But realized that it would be 'better' to try and clear things up with her directly. So after a couple of months I'd decided to give it another try with her.

Just her taking responsibility for what she did and saying, yes you have every right to be angry at me, and I'm sorry for this, was incredibly healing and empowering. If anything it made the connection much, much stronger.

Hoping the same will be true for you.

Thanks..I think the immediate benefit is realising that I am entitled to check things out, I do have a right to ask for what I need (whether it is fulfilled or not) and in a practical sense, I learned to sit down and work out how to approach that sort of situation and what I would do, depending on how he responded. It was a much slower, more mindful approach than I have ever taken in the past. And it worked.

Really Happy to see things worked out for you. I always sensed your therapist cared for you, though I realize none of us on the outside know what's really going on in anyone's therapy....

So glad he owned his role. I think when therapists do that, it sort of clears the slate for positive feelings, helps you get unstuck from the negative feelings so that things can move forward in a positive direction. (Also thinking that's true of relationships outside of therapy too.)

I wonder what took him so long....

[slowandgentle]

Thanks, Skies - I think for him, it was one of those situations where you think you're holding it altogether and then realise things are leaking out. He did thank me for bringing it up, and said it would make him more mindful for other clients.

Why so long? I don't know. I think he has just been massively preoccupied -at least, that's the way it has felt. The big thing for me right now is to work out what to do about the anxious and obsessive thoughts that these sorts of situations lead me to...inconsistent caregivers make me crazy in that way.

He was talking about being able to use this as a lesson in dealing with imperfection in people (not in a self-defending way), and talked about how I had 'bumped up against his humanity' which I thought was a strange turn of phrase, but anyway.

I need to somehow say yes, that's fine, but I need a certain level of baseline consistency in order to not go crazy here. One day we'll work on the imperfect caregiver thing, and for now, I don't expect perfect. But I DO need consistent and predictable - at least, to the best of his abilities.

All in all, it was an amazing experience of taking a risk in a relationship and asking, not just assuming. Feeling I even had the RIGHT to ask was such a breakthrough for me. Feeling very proud of me right now

[dlantern]

Sometimes T know more is in there. Try to find a likeness of what he stated over the years that has hurt you, not being there. It could in a role that you wasn't there for someone and someone wasn't there for you etc. When you feel safe too if you are going to savage the therapeutic relationship reframe it that way.

[slowandgentle]

Thanks, Dlantern, that's really helpful: rather than going in all theoretical, I can talk about examples of ways that people who are there and then they are not, have led me to becoming hyper focused on them above all else, and continually searching for what I have done to cause it, and what I can do to get them back. I just don't want that level of obsession about him. It helps that he is very good about not sharing anything about his life (though he has stopped wearing his wedding ring).