[awkwardlyyours]

(I am trying to figure out if this is just my unique douchiness at work or if these are non-normal responses)

What happens when you tell your therapist -- assume pointedly but politely (no foul language, raised voices etc) -- the ways in which they've upset you?

My batting record is currently 2 for 2 of Ts not quite being able to handle it. So, I'm trying to figure out if my expectations are seriously out of whack.

Former T: was defensive all the time and finally ended with accusing me of being abusive towards her (never raised my voice, used foul language etc).

Current T: started out being defensive both times. First time around, became calm and caring after I emailed her saying how upset I was about her getting defensive.

Second time around (yesterday), she started out being defensive and when I argued back, she started crying. Said it was because of how bad I was feeling but I'm pretty sure it's because she felt cornered.

I didn't cry at all -- I thought we were just having an analytical discussion and I didn't see anything to be terribly emotional about.

You're welcome to comment on my situation but I'm curious about your experiences.

[stopdog]

The woman gets defensive. Which is sort of fun to watch and helps in that I don't feel the least bad about telling her how much she sucks. And just because she gets defensive does not make me wrong. A paid jousting partner. She was useless for the reason I went to see her -but was useful in other ways - this is one.

She's non defensive, tries to understand where I'm coming from, explicitly says she wants to hear my anger and hurt.

I've felt I've raised my voice, but I'm not sure if I have. Either way, she does seem to try to be open and non defensive, as well as tries hard to see why I'm hurt and why I'm angry even if she really doesn't understand intellectually why I find XYZ a hurtful phrase.

[Argonautomobile]

He apologizes. Sometimes grovels a bit. I'm sorry your T cried. I would have no idea what to do with that.

[atisketatasket]

No. 1 - stayed calm. Cheerfully said, "I've obviously done something to piss you off, do you want to talk about it?"

No. 2 - I never really got upset with her in person. But based on her recent letter, she'd run and hide somewhere till it blew over.

No. 3 - calm and chilled out. Sometimes it was obvious that she had no clue what she had done. And like 2, she knows I am upset with her now, but has chosen not to communicate at all.

DBC - Was usually rational. The time I really got upset with her, though, in our last session, and was doing everything from crying to throwing a stuffed animal across the room (an accident, believe it or not), she just froze up. (I would prefer crying to freezing up, btw, because it's at least a reaction I can respond to if I choose.) She also flinched at the stuffed animal.

CW - I may find out this afternoon. Stay tuned!

I voted "Gets angry / defensive" and "Is totally calm and chilled out" because I've seen both reactions (maybe just defensive, not directly angry expression), and everything in between. One of my therapists more often got defensive than the other. He's also the one who loves to work with/on anger with his patients and I always thought he loves that modality because he identifies with the concept personally.

[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

DBC - Was usually rational. The time I really got upset with her, though, in our last session, and was doing everything from crying to throwing a stuffed animal across the room, she just froze up. (I would prefer crying to freezing up, btw, because it's at least a reaction.)

CW - I may find out this afternoon. Stay tuned!

Ah, I'd take freezing up over crying any day -- like Argo, I have absolutely no idea what to do when people start crying. I mean in real life, I would mutter some inanities, say crap like "There, there, everything'll be okay" and offer them water etc. Since I couldn't do that (I did remind her to drink some water though to compensate for the fluid loss), I did the next best thing and switched to talking about my mother.

Good luck with CW today! I have major hopes for a cactus-y response.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I did the next best thing and switched to talking about my mother.

Pretty sure that would work with any therapist, any time.

eta: I would have said, "Why are you crying? There's no crying in therapy!"

Always very calm, willing to hear me out. It really wasn't a big deal to let them know if something was bothering me. Just fodder for discussion until we had it worked out which usually happened right away. I was never one to sit and stew about that kind of thing; much rather deal with it in the moment -- less drama and anxiety that way.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

She's non defensive, tries to understand where I'm coming from, explicitly says she wants to hear my anger and hurt.

I've felt I've raised my voice, but I'm not sure if I have. Either way, she does seem to try to be open and non defensive, as well as tries hard to see why I'm hurt and why I'm angry even if she really doesn't understand intellectually why I find XYZ a hurtful phrase.

This is pretty much my T. I have shared profanity rants that I wrote up regarding the upsetting event well after I had gotten past my mad. I do not talk about my anger, hurt, being mad when I am still feeling those things, so usually it is a calmish discussion. She does a great job of keeping it about me which I find refreshing. She has apologized some times and not other times. She has modified things most the time and clarified boundaries on a few times.

[growlycat]

I have seen concern, a desire to understand better, bafflement, defensiveness, sighing, but not crying yet. Kashi warned me that he will shed a tear if I know him long enough.

[laxer12]

I've never gotten angry at my T and actually confronted her about it. However, I am almost positive that if I did, she would remain super calm and try and talk through it. Actually, she might even be happy that I finally displayed some emotion towards her instead of trying to be stoic.

Last week I said that I was pissed at my dad and she praised me for that. I think she would respond appropriately, as she always does.

[granite1]

last session when i snapped at her she stayed calm and said wow you really are mad at me arnt you? and then waited for me to respond

T1 used to get very defensive. Here's an exchange between him and me:

Me: "When you laughed at me, I felt belittled"
T1: Well that's just projection, because that's not what I meant at all.


T is the opposite of that. He always takes care to validate the way I see him behaving and will readily reflect and apologise. It's one of the things I admire the most about him.

[Myrto]

My new therapist got really pissy two weeks ago, claiming I was being aggressive and curt. I wasn't. I actually went and listened to the recording of the session and I can objectively say this was all her and I wasn't being aggressive or curt at all. I was completely baffled. But I decided it didn't matter: in my experience therapists have very thin skin despite what we may assume about them. So I decided to shrug it off and let it go. She can be useful and insightful most of the time so even if she was wrong, I decided not to argue with her.

[kecanoe]

T1 says calm and chilled. Asks questions. Asking questions is pretty much his go-to strategy; he thinks being curious is a good thing.

T2 apologized the one time it happened. And has been very careful to not repeat the mistake.

T3 hasn't made me mad. I sometimes get annoyed with her because she over explains. When she does that I just say that I want to talk about ___; she asks why I want to stop talking about whatever it was that she was going on about, I say that I understand what she was saying. She says ok, and we move on.

[ruh roh]

I don't know. She has indicated I get upset with her frequently, but my experience of her is that she's a great therapist, so if there's a breakdown of any kind, we work it out in a sometimes messy way.

[healed84]

My t welcomes it! He like to hear when I am mad at him and what triggered it. I told him I needed him to be an adult and show up when he is scheduled too and he said I hear that and I will try to don better.

[anais_anais]

I said something else--

I've never been angry with L (or at least not even remotely enough to confront her)

The couple times I've been angry with M, he wasn't defensive but also was not what I'd call chill. He was very concerned and serious and worked hard to help us come back to a balanced place. If he'd been chill in either of the situations I'd brought up, I would have felt like he didn't care. But if it were a small thing, say something more transference than logic-based, I'd hope that everyone would be calm and "chill," yes.

I also picked something else. With my current T, we've only had one real issue within the relationship, and I only really half-heartedly expressed my frustration within the next session.

He did a really good job of taking ownership of how he handled the situation poorly and said that my feelings of frustration toward the situation were valid.

Also important to note that one of my major issues that I'm addressing in therapy is my inability to set proper boundaries and how that makes me a doormat in a lot of my relationships IRL. So my response to T making a mistake was to be apologetic and remorseful for my reaction to the mistake. Hmm.

[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

I said something else--

I've never been angry with L (or at least not even remotely enough to confront her)

The couple times I've been angry with M, he wasn't defensive but also was not what I'd call chill. He was very concerned and serious and worked hard to help us come back to a balanced place. If he'd been chill in either of the situations I'd brought up, I would have felt like he didn't care. But if it were a small thing, say something more transference than logic-based, I'd hope that everyone would be calm and "chill," yes.

I haven't been able to get either of my therapists to see this distinction -- I've always provided what I thought was logic-based (very pointed) evidence (sometimes to the extent of including dates, times, exact words said and so on) and still been either told it's transference (although the facts weren't completely denied by the therapists) or given some random other reason (that in current T's case currently seems to keep changing session to session).

I'd hope though that mine's an isolated experience and more therapists are able to pick apart the one from the other.

[anais_anais]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I haven't been able to get either of my therapists to see this distinction -- I've always provided what I thought was logic-based (very pointed) evidence (sometimes to the extent of including dates, times, exact words said and so on) and still been either told it's transference (although the facts weren't completely denied by the therapists) or given some random other reason (that in current T's case currently seems to keep changing session to session).

I'd hope though that mine's an isolated experience and more therapists are able to pick apart the one from the other.

That sounds so invalidating AY, I'm sorry.

[anais_anais]

Actually, you know, one time when I was definitely transference-angry, he did even say: "the rational adult Anais doesn't need my apology but I'd like to apologize to the little Anais who's feeling confused." It was very helpful. Then, I have a dissociative disorder so idk if that approach would work for everyone.

[skysblue]

I feel a lot of gratitude for my T in that she receives my upsets very calmly. I believe she understands that my emotion is showing us another avenue for exploration. And, it is.

And I believe she loves it when she's able to witness an emotion of mine in real time instead of me just reporting to her emotions I've felt.

She views my anger or any other emotion directed at her as an opportunity to delve deeper. I so appreciate her wisdom and guidance.

I feel safe with her and if I had a T that became defensive I would lose the feeling of security that I have with her and I would probably not see that type of T anymore.

[unaluna]

Lately ive been feeling like ive been spending too much time on safe ground with t. Just reporting that im doing fine, exercising a little, not eating too much, doing a few chores. Its time for me to jump into my own life. Without scaring myself off!