When it is time for me to call the shots!!

This is like, impossible for me to do. My T emailed me today, told me to write all my feelings down as if I were telling him them. Write them for myself. Then he says a appointment is up to me!

Oh my god, I don't have a clue on what to do, I am not ready for this.......I feel like I am headed for the water falls and cannot stop, and cannot steer away from it........I know it is up to me, my call on everything now, he is going to make sure I stay on the right path, but I am feeling that the training wheels came off way to soon.......and I can feel myself regressing..........

Would you tell him?? Would you suck it up and just go with it? So confused!!

It isn't feeling right..........it isn't feeling like I have control, more like I have no control.....I haven't been able to work on anything, no inner child work, no calming things......nothing.......I feel like he is behind me, but miles away!!

Would it help to write down all your feelings about his request? Maybe that can be your first step. You can go into more detail with your fears and concerns.

BB

i think you should tell him exactly how you feel. i don't know if you read about the problems i had recently with my T. He did something that really didn't feel right to me and it hurt. It scared me and i felt like he was asking too much too soon among other things. i wrote and wrote and wrote about it... i needed to know just why it upset me, what it was that was hurting and why. And then i took a risk and told him i was unhappy. i told him why. It was very emotional and difficult and it took a couple of sessions or so... and now it will take time to rebuild what had gotten damaged, but telling him was the best thing i could have done.

You should address this is session... write back and tell him you feel he is expecting too much too soon...pretty much what you said here... and then, in session, ask to explore it. Think hard about what he is asking and what you expect you can do at this point and what there is in between. i understood what my T wanted me to do, just as you do with yours... but it was too far. i told him i was trying, and i gave him ways i was making efforts but hadn't gotten as far as maybe he wanted. (which of course lead to a discussion on me feeling like i was a disappointment)

he wanted me to find my own ways to reassure myself, to look for real evidence, etc... but had not prepared me, just as with you... i wanted that too, but i wanted something in between calling him every time and being completely on my own.

what i asked for was a voicemail or a written list... things i could refer to as ways to reassure myself instead of calling...

maybe you can work together to find a middle way too. Maybe there are ways you can take a baby step forward that feels ok, but will still be a step.

i'm not sure what that would look like... if you could picture a small step forward, what would it look like? Can you take 10 minutes at the end of a session to discuss together what next time will focus on? Maybe you can make list on your own but ask him to use your list to direct the session and see where it goes?

what my T said that gave me a lot of comfort... well a couple things... he said that he was open to feedback about what i felt was not working for me. He said i had a right to that, that he didn't have some rule book. He said the process is always very individual no matter what.... and the big thing, he said that the discussion we were having was "negotiation" on how we would work together. He was very aware that it was hard for me to object.

i think you might be surprised how useful the discussion about this can be.

i hope you do what is right for you now, whatever that is.

confused, I find your therapist's email puzzling. It seems very directive to me, "make this list!" whereas you are supposed to be choosing the path for your therapy, not him. He seems to still be running the show. What a confusing double message he is sending you. And yes, of course, an appointment is up to you. Isn't it always up to the client to decide if they want to return for another appointment? If you don't have one on the books, just call and make one. (How do you usually do it?)

If it is you who are supposed to be choosing the path, at your next session, just tell him that right now you don't want to make the list of feelings, that it doesn't feel comfortable or productive to you, but you would like to talk about _________ (fill in the blank--maybe it will be your feeling trepidation about choosing the path, feeling like you are headed for a waterfall, etc.).

confused, you are doing great, and I can understand why that email from your T was unsettling.

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I haven't been able to work on anything, no inner child work, no calming things......nothing.......

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Sometimes it is good to work on things as they come up, rather than having a set agenda, such as "today we will do inner child work." If there are more important things to talk about, don't skip over them for a pre-set agenda. The inner child work can wait until next time or the time after that. (My T and I have been talking about doing EMDR anger work for over a month now, but never seem to get to it, as more important stuff keeps coming up. We'll get to it maybe one day. And if not, it's OK.)

I'd make an appointment to discuss the concerns you put here. Whether you write a list or not, make an appointment and tell him exactly what you feel and what you are hearing in his message. It may be he is sending a message that he didn't mean to send in such a way?

why don't you just give it a go. He will be there if you fall over but maybe he thinks you are ready for this, you just don't yet realise it. New things are always scary but if we all avoided trying these scary things we would never get anywhere. I prefer to try something, give it a go - people can do amazing things when they have to and I find there is no better motivation than someone pushing me. You are already amazing by getting this far.
Look at it this way, what is the worst that could happen? you obviously already feel pretty crappy at the moment, and if it doesn't work out, you have just wasted one or two sessions which isn't much really.

I can call and make the appt, usually at the end of my session he just says same time same bat channel. We are then set for our following week. He didn't do that this last session, and hasn't mentioned anything about a session until I did in an email to him.

I know alot of this is me, my insecurities and hang ups about being abandoned. He says he is with me to the end, then I get mixed messages from him. He tells me to do this and I am calling the shots, he says that I have gotten so much stronger over the past 15 months that he has confidence in me to be able to take us into the next phase, but how come I feel so alone........like this is all me now, I feel myself hiding again.........I don't trust me........he is there to direct me down the right path if I need it........but doing the work on my own scares me, he isn't there to bounce this stuff off of, there isn't anybody there to talk about my feelings or how scared I am...........

So I end up getting mad, and angry at him, and saying things to myself to reinforce the fact that I don't want him in my healing anymore.........but then the next hour I am crying because I cannot do this and he doesn't seem to care........I am so confused.........

There was a reason we hid this stuff for years, because it is so painful, and it hurts so much........the hurt is unbelievable...........going through it without help, isn't feeling good...........

He told me that I have done the hardest part, disclosing to my family, to him. I let the secret out, and it doesn't have the power over me it used to. Then how come I feel so bad?? How come all my emotions and feelings are so scrambled and I still hate me!! Is disclosing the hardest part of all this for everyone??? Or is it the feelings and emotions surrounding the abuse that are the hardest?? Disclosing was hard, don't get me wrong, but this part feels like I am losing me again.........or still..........Am I the only one this is happening to?????????????????????

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confused4ever said:
He says he is with me to the end....

but doing the work on my own scares me, he isn't there to bounce this stuff off of, there isn't anybody there to talk about my feelings or how scared I am...........

So I end up getting mad, and angry at him, and saying things to myself to reinforce the fact that I don't want him in my healing anymore.........but then the next hour I am crying because I cannot do this and he doesn't seem to care....

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confused, why do you say there isn't anybody to talk to your feelings about? Your T said you can continue therapy with him and that he is with you to the end. Why does that make you feel like you can't talk to him? Can't you still go to your therapy sessions and talk and share with him and receive his support? It sounds like his suggestion that you take a more active role in choosing your healing path has made you feel like you can't talk and share with him anymore. I don't think that's true! He is waiting for you to make an appointment. He knows you don't have one on the books and he reached out to you by email, probably because he wants you to come and see him so he can help you through this. I hope you will make an appointment soon and go and get the reassurance that being with him and talking and sharing can bring. (((hugs)))

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He told me that I have done the hardest part, disclosing to my family, to him. I let the secret out, and it doesn't have the power over me it used to. Then how come I feel so bad?? ....

Is disclosing the hardest part of all this for everyone???

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Even though you've disclosed, you are still processing. It may take a while. Your T can help with this. Disclosing is hard for me, but the aftermath is hard also. You are not alone in this. My T used EMDR with me (after disclosure) to help speed the processing and healing. Different Ts have different approaches to this. Please ask your T what he can recommend that you do together in therapy to help with this. Sometimes it's hard to choose unless we know the options.

I know, he called me today, happened to be the worse day I have had in awhile, and he decided to call.....part of me was glad to hear his voice, the other part wanted to scream at him. I know that alot of this is my issues of rejection and abandonment, I get the slightest hint that this is it, and my emotions kick in and then I am out of control. Our sessions just aren't the same, he is not there with me, there hasn't been connection, not like there was before. So with that and what he has been saying I took it and ran with it, and have been fighting with myself for pushing even my T away.

I know he is waiting for me to make an appt, he asked me today if I was going to, and if I would promise to let him know.........I just have to do it.........