Couch 140: Knocking pans

I think the cow incident helped alleviate some of the transference anyway in my case.... not sure i really understand why but I'll take it!!

So I should ask MC if we can have next session at a farm? There is a dairy farm about 10 minutes from the office!

Oh bloody hell I sent it.

"Hello...

I am absolutely agonising over writing this e-mail to you. Which is partly why it's technically not even still Monday now... sorry. My plan was to e-mail you at around my usual appointment time, but I spent a long time in the hospital waiting room and by the time I got home it was long past 4.30 anyway.

I don't really know what to say, or how to say it, but also I don't want to give up the opportunity of having a little bit of contact with you, since there's another week to go before I see you... ugh. I feel really silly.

It's like two parts of myself are arguing. My ego and my id, maybe. Or my adult and child. I feel like I have to be so restrained, avoid embarrassing myself... I feel bad for asking to e-mail you in the first place, I feel like it's an extravagant and/or pathetic request. But then also... I want to just go crazy and type all the things that I can't say to you in person.

Except I'm still just about connected enough with the idea of you as a 'real' person that I can't bear the thought of how anxious I'd be next time I see you if I did that.

So. I'll just tell you about today, like I said I would. I was eventually seen almost two hours after my appointment time. The outpatients department had closed up - the receptionists had gone home, the cleaners were mopping the floor around my feet...

The doctor was good - he listened to me, he gave me time and space and respect. He seemed to know his stuff. I'm being sent for more tests. He made me another appointment in another three months.

It went as well as I could hope for, I suppose. I don't even know what I'm hoping for anymore.

I felt deflated afterwards... I always feel that way after my hospital appointments now. Like I'm expecting something big and important to happen and it's never going to.

I've just felt sad this evening. So sad. I'm sick of it all.

Really I might as well just send you an e-mail saying "HELLO IT'S ME! REMEMBER ME? I EXIST!"... that would be the most truthful thing I could say. Guess I've said it now.

Oh dear I am actually going to click 'send'...

Luc"

Do you think it has to be cows or will any farm animal do?

I would love to see my T with a cow.

well, it was probably the whole unexpectedness of it that was the important part. not so much the cow... she was supposed to be standing in her office doorway saying "come in" when I got there, not herding cattle across the road! haha eta and i think i mentioned before, maybe it also had to do with it making her seem more human - you know, like oh she has weird **** happen to her too - or something.

Good question! Or perhaps he could just be out in the courtyard shooing away a bird or squirrel. I did see him moving a drainage pipe thing back into place during one of the times we walked in the courtyard because I was panicky. That didn't help though. So might have to be a living thing.

This is perfect. Well done, Luc.

Luco I think your email was perfect too. Well done.

I agree, Luc! Sounded very open and honest. And I know what you mean about sometimes just wanting to be like "Hi, I still exist!" Or "Do you still exist?"

Bravo Luc, well done. It was a good email.

If I had transference, I think it would have to be goats for me.

Transference really gets my goat

And to think I choose to that for a living on a daily basis!

**** it, never mind, sorry.

But I won't help my sister. When she calls, I'm like..nope...no way...just worked all week. Call somebody else.

Your MC is Australian?

So couchies - y'all saw the pic I posted yesterday of me with my son? So you know what my hair looks like right now. Well I've got this growing urge to get it cut again, shorter this time, I dunno something short and spiky and fun, but I don't want bangs, I don't know what I'm even thinking I want it to look like! Been googling but haven't found anything that strikes my fancy. Any ideas?

I'm feeling ok. My lips are really dry and I'm tired and i have no cigarettes. And my back hurts... Well my whole body. But anyway it's not so bad

I'm dying to go short right now too. I'm personally thinking something like this, but obviously not the color, because apparently I can't be a professional adult with fun colored hair. outs:

ooh i like that color!!

When I have the days when everything hurts I like to climb into bed and dim the lights and listen to this

Nope! Jewish guy from New York/New Jersey area. Not sure what's up with him using that phrase so much, though it's generally only in text or e-mail, not spoken. So maybe his phone is Australian?

Is he younger or older? I know that there's a generational linguistic difference between "you're welcome" and "no problem." Not sure if "no worries" would also fall into that.

I've never had an urge to change my hair color