Would you hold back from saying certain things...

to your T if you feared that in saying it you might --

a. Come across as manipulative and / or
b. Really may be trying to be manipulative (although not consciously)?

Basically, are there things you don't disclose -- related to therapy -- because you fear that saying it will have the T feeling manipulated (even if that's not what you're doing, consciously at least)?

A quick example of when I've done this --
When things really started going south with former T, I didn't tell her that I was drinking myself into a stupor pretty much after every session because I wasn't able to cope otherwise. I feared that I'd come across as putting the blame for my feelings on to her (while things in therapy were the proximate cause, I knew it was obviously related to something much more ancient).

Of course, everyone's idea of what's not kosher to tell and / or what feels manipulative is likely to be very different. But, am wondering if others do similar stuff? Thoughts?

ETA: The poll question is more direct and only addresses one case -- that's because of the character constraint. Read the post before responding, please!

Not during therapy, I just didn't care if they thought I was being manipulative. But in reaching out to try and reestablish a brief contact with No. 3 so I could get some closure with her after the Smaug episode, there were things I wanted to say that I didn't because they might seem manipulative.

So. Yes. And also no.

No. I am not all that good at covert manipulation. I tend more towards the directly confrontational. And I don't mind being confrontational with a therapist.

No. I'm not really the manipulative type and have never had a therapist accuse me of manipulative behaviors.

I manipulate them by NOT telling them, by hiding stuff, first from myself, then from them. But i dont think thats what you asked.

. I have no interest in manipulating my therapist. Itit's a waste of her time, my time, and my money.

Yes I've withheld things that I think could be seen as attempts at manipulation. Usually I don't tell T how desolate I feel between sessions.

i am very honest and open with my T, think he more manipulating than i. his new technique of having me sit on his lap during our sessions seems unusual for someone with sexual abuse issues.

Yes - it was related to SI, which has been a problem for me occasionally. I don't like that I did/do this, and I think it's kind of multi-faceted: I myself have sometimes not been quite sure whether manipulation is an aspect of this. I doubt myself.
Now after working with T for many years I'm more comfortable being open with this because I know how T will respond. T doesn't blame me, but says that I'm coping in the best way I can at the time, but points out that this is a way that ends up making me feel bad, so it is not really a good way for me to cope. So T deals with it, without making a huge drama, and there's no manipulation, judging by T's response.

I don't hold anything back from my T. There's no point to. If I can't be honest and she can't fully accept me, then she's not the T for me. I do sometimes worry when I ask for help that she'll see me as being manipulative (especially recently with our spacing out sessions). I just tell her my fears or worries. I brought it up this last session, and she reassured me that she never has thought I've been manipulative. She sees me as an honest person. So I know it's safe to be needy and she won't judge me for it.

I do hold back a few things, because I don't want him to feel like I manipulate him. I don't tell him about SH/SI whenever he could have any reason (intense session, vacations, ...) to feel guilty for it. I don't want him to feel like he has to take care of me (or that I can't take care of myself).

It's obvious that I shouldn't protect him, but I can't help myself

I voted "maybe", not because I am unsure but because I did withhold quite a lot of things from my therapists, but not at all driven by fear of sounding manipulative. I actually was manipulative and aware of it, much like in my everyday life around the same issue. All of it was centered around my drinking problem, relapses, and the consequences many years of that had on my life. When I first entered therapy, I was about 1.5 year sober and happy about it, I started therapy to address smaller issues, anxiety, and out of curiosity. When things started to become complicated was when I relapsed and hid it from my T. In my case the drinking had nothing to do with therapy, or managing my feelings related to sessions - I was addicted to alcohol for many years prior. Then I admitted the relapse to the T at some point, but not the full extent of it. There was similar with my second T as well even though I very openly sought him out to help with my drinking problem in the first place, as a primary issue.

My experience was also that it is, indeed, pretty much a waste of time and money to go to therapy while hiding the biggest ongoing culprit of all. I was not afraid of coming across as manipulative - I was very used to it and just repeated my well-known behaviors with the Ts in certain periods. In my experience, most addicts become master manipulators in order to maintain the habit, and so was I. In part it's driven by deep shame and also a compulsion to get away with the behavior. I did manage to break it eventually but there were still many things I never discussed with Ts.

In general though, I think that both of my Ts attempted just as many manipulative acts, some that were beyond the scope of the inherently contrived nature of therapy whether they were aware of it or not. I think that therapy can really become a web of disingenuous behaviors if the participants are so inclined. Observing all that can be a valuable lesson on its own though, at least I've learned from mine. Those lessons are the primary reasons why, I think, my time and money was not wasted at all. And I did find the process of therapy helpful with many smaller issues and obsessive tendencies to variable extents. Also, my Ts never said that I was manipulative, it's me thinking it.

The same is true for me as well. I have no interest in manipulation.

No, absolutely not.

1. It's my T's job to hold the line. No one can manipulate you if you don't allow it.
2. My T can't help me if she doesn't know the truth.
3. So called "manipulative " behaviors are usually rooted in deep seated unmet needs and play out in all relationship in your life--- so they need to be exposed and dealt with
4. My relationship with my T is deep and honest enough that I can say something like. " I'm doing x and part of me feels like i am doing it to get a reaction from you" or whatever

I think holding things back defeats the whole purpose of therapy

Una -- yeah, that's not what I asked but only because I hadn't thought about it that way. So, feel free to talk about that as well.

Bay -- thank you. That's really helpful and clarifying. I've been working through a lot of stuff related to her and the sessions and since things got rocky, I could now be overthinking things a fair bit (in a misguided attempt to keep the peace so to speak).

No. I think my T would know if I was trying to manipulate him and would not go along with it.

OMG!!! I'd freak out. I hope you feel safe with this? I can't even allow my T to stand too close to me when I leave the room, let alone sit on his knee. Are you comfortable with this?

I voted OTHER because when in therapy, I always hold back on certain things. I filter. Why? Because I've never felt total trust in any relationship. I don't think it has anything to do with concern or worry about manipulating the T. I just feel really really strongly that I like my privacy on issues. I don't put the blame on the T, it's just my make-up.

I do feel, however, from my years around many Ts and psychiatrists, that when they are frustrated or struggling with a client that they often chalk it up to "manipulation" rather than viewing it as "Hmmmm something's going on in our relationship. Makes me curious. I need to think about, examine my part/role in this road block." What I believe is happening is that it's waaaaaaay too easy for people to get licensed in the professions of psychiatry and psychology and start seeing clients.

Yes.. Especially suicidal feelings. I also hide other things like my drug use among others. But it's not out of fear of being thought to be manipulative. Sometimes i just don't tell people things.. Ever. Like my best friend doesn't know i quit my job last tuesday.. I don't know why i haven't told him. I do similar things with pretty much everyone
I guess i am just very secretive?? Thinking about it now i really don't understand it.

(((JD)))

I sometimes tend to not talk about stuff as well (apart from the fear of being manipulative) -- for me, it's that I can either manage my own feelings or deal with someone else's responses.

Even if they are being supportive (and that includes Ts), I feel like it's an additional thing that I need to "manage".

And, I almost never have the energy to do both (deal with my own stuff and someone else's feelings / thoughts about it).

Yeah wow. That pretty much sums it up!

No, But T Say New Comforting Technique. So I Try To Believe. Think He Too Friendly With Hands On Me.

A big red flag. Really really. :/

I love this response. Yep, this is it in a nutshell for me. Most Ts don't understand that their clients carry an intense burden of feeling as though they need to "manage" the feelings going on in the space between themselves and their client. Unfortunately, they often feel as though THEY carry the burden without realizing that their client comes into the relationship feeling as though he/she is responsible for doing that--mainly because the client has done that all her life in their own social situation.

I put maybe... I am very manipulative by nature. I am always, usually not consciously, manipulating people with the things I say (or don't say) in order to manipulate how they view me or to make them think a certain thing about me. I don't really know why I do it, and I don't know how to stop. It's not malicious, but it's untruthful...
With my old T, I manipulated her to make her think that I had bipolar disorder. I don't, but I wanted to be diagnosed with it because to me it was preferable to tell my parents that over my actual diagnosis of major depression (don't ask me why).
With my current T, I try to be more honest, but I can feel myself holding back certain things because I don't want to change the image she has of me which I have carefully manipulated in her mind.