Couch 141: The Inversional Hexachordal Combinatorial Couch

I think I'll be in limbo for awhile. lol.

Part of me hates to think how much I've forked over in 5.5 years...

My first reaction - do i have to take a shower first?

i multiplied $100 for 365 days, and then times it by 7 (years)

no we don't care about that 'round here

a post i made about my therapist 5 years ago. it cracked me up:

"i am a member of an intentional community and i've been realizing more and more that it seems to foster dependency and might be a cult.

i have a therapist here and we used to be real close but now i only view him as angry because his pride is hurt that he cannot cure me.

i think he is a narcissist and is judging his self-worth thru my illness"

Yes - showering is not optional. There is caring about showers. Definitely.

AHHHHHHHHHH my flatmate is back with my friend and some other people and I'm not sure if this is good because more people being around will help me be less anxious about the storm or if it's bad because I don't want people to see me have a massive freakout over a thunderstorm like a pathetic... child.

The storm is getting close now.

I think I will hide under the duvet and have a cry.

I don't want IRL people. I just want you guys.

...and T.

"as i was left to be awake all night and well into the morning now I was thinking a lot about psychology. i came to the conclusion that the field is a pseudo-science and by that i mean that nothing is based on fact. it is all theoretical. and it can never be based on fact because it isn't capable of it. you cannot prove pain and suffering, you can only express it. and in the same vein, one can only interpret and trust these expressions as a listener or therapist or psychiatrist or what-have-you. pain and suffering are mental in they way that they are manifested and controlled by the brain and body. biology; a true science. but it enters the pseudo realm when expressed and then subsequently attributed meaning to by an outsider. yes you can sympathize, empathize, and understand someones discomfort. but you cannot experience it for yourself. reality is subjective because it is all based on perception. my reality is not your reality at this moment in time. my pain is not your pain even if we both went through the same traumatizing ordeal. even if we are identical twins. Siamese twins!!! we each have our own brains to rely on and sometimes these organs malfunction and misfire which causes pain and suffering. but it cannot ever be a fact. it will never be proven.

this isn't to say that i don't believe in psychology or it's benefits to heal pain and suffering. i can see how the process is scientific because of the way one diagnosis, interprets, attributes meaning to symptoms, and then applies it to a scientific model. all i am trying to see and believe by this is that i do not want to be a label. i do not want to be post-traumatic stress disorder. psychotic. majorly depressed. addicted. eating disordered. these are not my names and i will not respond to them if called out to me. they are also not excuses for my choices and behavior, no matter how aberrant or abnormal they may get. i cannot label myself psychologically impaired because if i do i am then succumbing to a self-fulfilling prophecy. one that casts me out of the social system and into the stigmatized and marginalized sidelines. a system that cannot sympathize, empathize, or understand. a system of which i fear terribly. although i am not ashamed of who i am and what i have been through and although i am, at most times, an open-book, if you will; i fear the repercussions that accompany such pseudo-scientific diagnoses; repercussions that come from external sources (i.e. society) and internal sources (i.e. self). i will not be deemed disabled and i will not give in to being impaired. i will thrive in my pain and suffering. i will express it as much as possible to any length because i know that good can come of it and that i may eventually heal it."

9/12/2012

"i have to be up in 6.5 hours. i have to be coherent in 6.5 hours. i have to gain control of my thoughts in 6.5 hours.

i took the luvox at 9pm. i am being held hostage by my mind. i cannot get comfortable.i rotate counter-clockwise through all my usual sleeping positions. all the while my mind is spinning and weaving a story for me. a story i don't understand. a story that doesn't make much sense. a story that is not being told by me. sometimes it's like a game that my mind is playing on me. word association. a word comes up, then another somewhat related, then another, and another, and another. endless.

what am i going to do with myself right now? how can this be solved? does anyone truly understand this torment? not just the insomnia but the also the obsessive and intrusive thoughts? the need to recount my activities i did today in order with as much detail as possible? remember and recite every conversation i had? when i mess up and remember something afterward i have to go back. i have to start all over. but then again even when i am done, when i have totally accounted for everything that occurred during my waking hours, i do it all over again. i'm not done. my mind is not done with me. as i reluctantly feel my mind starting to retrace my steps once more i hear my own thought, a thought that i have, that i control, that is me, "what the **** am i doing?"

an eternity is a night of no sleep when all you want is to not be awake anymore. "

I don't understand the point of the diary postings - does it relate to something going on?

Can you put headphones on and watch something or listen to music

I need to go calm down

WHAT?! the preceding question was, do you plan on going to heaven?!

Cleanliness is next to godliness. There is definitely showering in the heaven I go to. I don't want to spend eternity next to or mingling amongst the unshowered.

Did you say, "It is harder for a pastor to enter my house than for me to enter the kingdom of heaven"?

or I've been to paradise but I 've never been to me.
Or
Do I have to climb a staircase?
or
Well I might not go to heaven
But I've been in Oklahoma

Why arent you a doctor? Well, i know why - you got waylaid, pushed off your path, kept from fulfilling your true potential. But you are one smart person. Its not too late, youre only 30.

I didn't think we were going to have bodies in heaven.

No. Sorry.

Arent we just automatically dainty there?

Gonna put earplugs in. I like to be a little bit aware of the thunder though 'cos the anxiety makes me feel like I have to be aware or I might die.

Thanks for sharing your diary entries, I found them interesting and moving to read.

If you ever retire from lawyering, maybe you should become a professional matchmaker.

As for thunderstorms, I adore them. They make me feel alive. It must be all the electricity in the air. So I will enjoy storms on behalf of anyone who doesn't want to.